Sunday, July 29, 2007

Who is being stupid?

I want to discuss Chris for a minute.

He's a nice guy. Going to AA has changed him into being that nice guy. Prior to that, he could relate strongly to the pathological liars of the world, namely P in my recent world. Now Chris can't even tell a white lie. He is a good person.

Last time I saw him was two weeks ago today at our picnic. We talk a lot, listen a lot, and got along very well. We were together 4.5 hours that afternoon.

One thing he said stood out. He said, "I am new at this," meaning dating while not addicted to something, also while not being in the game-playing mode. "If I do something stupid," he stated, "I don't mean to. Could you just tell me and set me straight?"

His words have haunted me. I don't know when to play that card on him.

He's turned out to not be the best communicator. I know turmoil at his job is largely to blame, but I think he is to blame as well. He talks about being spacey and lacking focus. Maybe that's the real culprit.

Anyway, we emailed quick notes a few days after the picnic; his focus both on how much he enjoyed the butterflies then on the tenseness at work as the progression to his boss being fired is unfolding. Several days later, I emailed him a quick note early last week asking if he's the boss yet, then saying I saw the butterflies again but had a much better time with him. To respond, he went to the trouble of bringing his lap top to work (not usually used there) so that he could use their hook up b/c it was down at the house. He said he'd call that night and invited me to call.

I did call at 9, but he was having a meeting with his boss who still didn't know he was being fired for being a bully and sexist pig. Then he called me an hour later. He started by saying that he's in turmoil, then added emphatically that he's not drinking or anything again, although it's not a default thought for me to have. After talking and learning that his boss was opting not to come in the next day, so I convinced him that it could actually be pretty smooth, he felt more calm. (He's the probable replacement, but I am realizing that he's not emotionally in the proper place for this responsibility even if he is technically very proficient.) He then asked how I was and I said very tired, In fact, I barely got out of bed this week. He asked if it's depression, but I said I didn't know. I do know that I am very lonely and I have no energy. We talked about other stuff, so it didn't end with either of us on a down note.

However, he didn't ask about the weekend. It was my weekend without J and it was very long. My birthday is coming up and I will be spending it alone. I will be without J all week and next weekend as well. I don't see the loneliness thing going away any time soon. I won't even regale the PMS.

Honestly, I don't think he's not interested. I think he's overwrought emotionally with his job, only able to focus on one thing at a time. I also think that him being in AA and mostly hanging out with AA people, to include co-workers, he doesn't have much of a chance to develop as a well-rounded person. He would agree. He recently told me that I am the most normal person he knows. ME!?

So I am back to the "tell me if I do something stupid" comment he made. Well, he's doing something stupid. If someone told me they were bored and lonely, I'd call to give them company. He's being stupid. He's unable to focus beyond his job (which is not a difficult or high stress job, just the situation right now is odd), his boarding arrangements, or is AA meetings. Oh yeah, he was screwed by his last long term girlfriend who got the house and his car, the latter he just learned about last week. The house was purchased with his lump sum, so he's lost it and the leverage to buy around here, just as I'd feared selling my house and going in with P would do to me. That said, he is coming around financially and feels good at getting to this point.

So, who's stupid? Him for not calling? Me for wanting him to call? Me for waiting for him to call? Me for not calling him?

Last time, the email and me calling when he asked prompted him. I don't want to have to prompt.

He's being stupid. I should tell him.

But I won't. You know one reason why? Well, two distinct things of the same realm. I have issues like AA to confess to him, but we've not arrived there and I am glad. Over the last month, I've thought of going to friends mode with him, expressing that so I'd not have to tell, but it wouldn't be fair for him to think something was wrong with him, not me.

In fact, I am so desperate for company (and I don't mean sex) that I keep thinking of Ted and know he'd come running. Yup, he's the one who thought P was justified in finding new, that he didn't cheat, that we were on a 'break' all those months. As much as I want company and think he's a cheapskate in a rug with issues I could handle, the main reason I haven't called is that he felt I had no justification to be hurt about P.

I'm the one who's stupid here. I am ever so human.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

More of the same

My mother called this morning after they left. I'd hoped all could be polite, but it did escalate a bit. My sister claims she's just a different style of mother and feels that our mother is a control freak. My mother'd tried to give her $50 for gas money per their previous agreement, but my sister left it in the bathroom. She also turned down the money coming from our grandmother, which would have been a few car payments.

I cannot fathom my sister growing a backbone and turning down money. She's always broke and letting people pay her way - this after years of her with the big house, new cars, fancy big adult toys (as funny as that sounds - boats, four wheelers, etc), and great semi-annual vacations which led to bankruptcy and divorce. I have no sympathy for her.

As it stands, she's seriously dug her grave. My mother says she's writing her out of the will, which isn't significant, but it is healthy enough. As mad as my mother has ever gotten, I've never heard talk like that before. I tried to talk her out of it, although I know that's not in my son's best interest. As it would be, though, it sure would uncomplicate things at that time with my money-grubbing sister.

Wow. Just wow.

Friday, July 27, 2007

TG they leave tomorrow

My mother is miserable. I will drone on about it.

My sister, her 13yo daughter, and a 13yo friend have been visiting a week. They drove down last Friday. It's not just the week's length part so much (although I was quite wise to book our trip down there only Wed to Sun in a few weeks), it's the attitude.

I truly dislike when hosts are treated as the help and as bottomless pits. (Ex encountered that earlier this summer and I am still fuming over his step sisters.) My mother is told when they are hungry and is not assisted, except my sister did take over doing the dishes. (Doesn't matter if my mother has a dishwasher, it will not be used.)

She feels taken advantage of in part because one thing went awry: she wanted to surprise them all with a trip to Di.sney w/a couple nights stay. My sister, who I've always called "Miss What Have You Done For Me Lately," said it'd been a goal for the trip, then she had a car repair and would not be able to afford it. My mother had been excited for weeks about the surprise. She feels like it has bitten her in the ass.

All three of the visitors have such a sense of entitlement and they are not gracious or thankful in the least. She'll get YIPPEEs out of them, but she deserves thanks. Martyr or no. It probably didn't help that very early the first evening they were there she said the girls are spoiled and my sister piped up that she feels guilty about their lifestyle, i.e. divorce, bankruptcy, alcoholic ex husband, bad decisions all around for which others must pay. Bad dynamic then and now. My sister does not mother.

Strangely, my sister, who is an RN (a seemingly giving breed who I have found to be pretty selfish, sorry to step on toes) would not even discuss my grandmother who just passed; my mother wanted some compassion and commiseration. In fact, all my sister wanted was to hunt for some souvenirs out of the china cabinet. (I can see how hard this will be once our parents die and she gets her grubby hands on everything.)

My mother was especially hurt about her house. She just bought it in May and it is a great feat for her. I admire how much she's accomplished on her own. My sister and the girls did not even compliment her on it or congratulate her on her purchase. They didn't say anything about her decorating or remodeling. Nothing. Jeez, even if you don't like it, you ought to oooh and ahhh over it. They need a few social graces thrust down their throat.

So their visit is a bust and we follow up in a few weeks. My mother said she's crankily kept her mouth shut for days, gone on mute. She's afraid if she says anything that it'll all tumble out and really get ugly. If I were my sister and had an ounce of self worth, I'd have left already.

The really funny part is that there is some sum left from my grandmother's estate (actually money that came to my mother, so she's being generous sharing) and my greedy sister would have gotten a check if she'd have had sense enough to behave. My mother asked me what she should do and I replied that it could be a 'go to' account next time sister asks for money.

Although I do have a better relationship with our mother, I know I better mind my p's and q's in a few weeks and make J do the same. He's already great about thank yous, quick hugs, and spontaneous 'i love yous', but he'll get periodic reminders, too.

As a housewarming, I've already purchased my mother a few wind chimes for her yard. I'd bought some for half price for my yard and she'd commented that she'd like a half price wind chime. Easy enough. I feel like maybe I should get her something else as a housewarming, but I'm not sure. Suggestions? She wants me to paint something big for a tall wall, but I will not be prepared to do that there. Goodness knows after the fiasco last Xmas when she didn't like how I depicted her as an angel, there's no telling how she'd like my interpretation of a still life or something.

With our trip coming up and because she's a FL resident and gets a discount at Sea.World (two for one right now), I put that stuff on her card. (If my grandmother were still living, we'd have just gone for one day and spent more time at the ranch like usual.) Also doing one tour each day, including one where we get to touch a penguin, something she was very excited about, that she'd always wanted to do that. I booked/paid for the rooms and plan to book/pay for a dinner/show for each night. One is a special Shamu and the other Polynesian - I knew she's like the latter and J would like the former, so I'm doing both - I'm all about making everybody happy. I will be very conscious of paying for as much as I can.

Yeah, I'm just hoping the egg shells aren't too deep when we get there.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

7 days on the track, Bandito

Notice how quickly his second teeth have responded especially. They are lowering and lengthening as his front teeth are raising and shortening. It's easy to tell how much less angular the wire has become as well.

I can't believe how minor his pain has been; he has always had a high threshold. His main discomfort is wearing the head gear with the pressure on his back teeth. He's up to about 9 hours a night, though, way ahead of schedule. Ex instituted a new rule for their house last night: if he's playing xbox, J must wear the contraption.

For some reason, however, since last week J is now hirsute.


Blogger is infuriating me. Posts do not come up after I publish them. To make something appear, I put out a fake, test post to bump it up or something. Then the new post appears and I remove the test post. Tonight, even that didn't work, so I have a limbo post someplace.

Similar happens with comments. It appears as 0 comments on the main page, even if there are a few comments there. Most recently, I responded to Val in the comments, got an email of it so I know it went through, but it doesn't even appear on the comment page.

Is there some reason everything is disappearing? I have become disenchanted with blogging and do not need this frustration to put me over the edge.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Scared the bejesus out of me

In honor of J's cartooning class, a cartoon from life...

driving along, minding my own business, just moved over from the merge lane, going about 60.

yellow motorcycle careens by on the right just as the merge lane ends, removes years from my life.

my knuckles turn a bit more red and my hair starts to frizz bigger as the cop passes on the right in the gravel. at least i saw him in the rear view.

i'm gone, they're gone. police helicopters, however, are now circling.

Monday, July 23, 2007

RR Tracks

J got his braces on Thursday. It went very smoothly. Afterwards, we went for Mexican and you can see evidence of corn chips in his new tracks.

He chose black and red alternating rubber band decorations. His head gear coordinates as well with its checkered flags and it hasn't been too much of a fight since.

Within 24 hours, I could see a major difference. Now after four days, I have a strong inkling of how beautiful his smile will be. It is so quick, I can't imagine what will take a year!

Money well spent.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Virtual World Tour

Per The Impatient Patient and fellow blogging homies...

This represents the last few weeks of our lives.

J in swimming lessons

Butterfly Garden Flora

Memph: Super Vampire Cat

Cabin Swing Stealing While Camping

Our Little Campsite

Moon Bouncing for the 4th

Bushes I Painted Because I Knew a Subdivision Would Be Going In: Little Did I Know It Would Be Only Two Days Later

View To The Top

Spence: Super Dryer Cat

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Chris' due







Sunday afternoon, I had a date with Chris. We went to see the butterflies, walk the park, and have a picnic. Despite all his difficulties in the past, he is such a polite person and such good company. We can talk and talk. I told him that I'm crass and he says he likes that, too. He's a funny combination.

I related about a girl at the pool party who'd gotten a new tattoo and was showing it off. It was a tramp stamp of a three leaf clover with Celtic windings filling the leaves. I told Chris all I could think of was some guy banging her from behind thinking about how he'd gotten lucky! Chris said that's not crass; that's funny. He doesn't dish, but he can take.

The other night on the phone, we were talking about his old beat up Vol.vo. My son overheard the conversation and it later wound up a long discussion about Vol.vos. Mr. TV Marketing Sponge spoke encouragingly about their five star crash rating.

Bully for Chris, I guess, in J's eyes. It was the first J knew of Chris (somehow he'd missed our previous conversations and I hadn't mention our dates on J's off weekends) and J seemed a bit surprised. The way he acted, I think he'd probably like to meet him. I think I'll wait a while, as Chris and I need to be something more.

What exactly is the question. I surprise myself liking him like I do. I'm not attached, I just enjoy him. A pleasant surprise. I told him the other day that I have a Morm.on conscience named Norma on my shoulder demanding that I take it slow. It seems to suit him as well.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Ted redux

[image removed]
I went to a pool party Saturday night. It was my treat after a long, hot, sunburnt day not selling anything. The drive was long, but I needed a pool and a party. I will not post pictures of me in a bathing suit. This one guy got a little shutter happy with my bad sexy self. Overall, the people were great; I met new ones, and I got up the nerve to swim after it got dark. The pool was lit, so I didn't get away with much, but it was fun and refreshing.

The only shadow on the evening was Ted showing up, but it wasn't a big shadow, thank goodness. Now with his cheapo reputation of not driving and with him living even twenty minutes farther away than I (adding up to at least an hour and a half for him), there was no way I could have predicted him arriving late for a grand entrance. He came, of course, as I was in the bathroom changing into my bathing suit and even sat on the deck of the pool observing me swim and trying to win the inflatable banana race, which I literally sucked at.

He seemed very pleased to see me, kind of followed me around a bit. His face just plain beamed. It was clear he misses me. I didn't mention it here, but he IMed me a 'Happy 4th' message as well as an 'Are you watching this incredible Wimbledon final with Nadal and Federer?' message last Sunday while J and I were camping. I was pretty surprised, two messages in a week after he'd taken a month off from his random emails which willfully acknowledged that he knew I didn't want contact from him.

I knew I'd have to face him eventually. I handled it well on Saturday. Maybe the bottle of wine and relaxing pool helped. Enough time has passed that he didn't bother me, except sort of as a mosquito. He was like a puppy, so happy to see me. He tailed me, inquiring about me and my son. He made fun of my sunburned face a few times. One time, our mutual friend of the same name, Ted, above left, just curtly exclaimed, "Aw, you two!" as he wanted us to behave like friends, or whatever. This Ted was the only other person who knew more had happened "romantically" between us.

At closing time, I said my first round of good byes, could have lingered for another round of hugs as is often the case, but chose to dash out so that Ted would not be tempted to try to follow me home because I would need his help and guidance so much to get back.

I do just fine on my own, thank you very much.

Chris gets his spot on the blog tomorrow. I like his gentle spirit very much. Not a bossy finger pointing in sight.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Cheater post/re-post

Lorrie has a new post about getting, forcing, cajoling, or tricking her daughter to read (or not) and what is healthy in this regard. She has several comments in addition to mine.

As you know, J is a very well-behaved kid: polite, kind, and big-hearted. While these characteristics are lovely, we wish he would show more initiative and be more pro-active. He frustrates us how he floats through life. I suspect it relates to his ADD and mixed mild dyslexia, although his grades are good, teachers happy, and he qualified for the gifted program in math for next year. [The latter is a benefit of having such an observant and overall positive teacher for third grade as opposed to second.]

Here's what I wrote at Lorrie's:

Unlike ex or I as kids or me now, my son doesn't pick up a book without a threat. We fear what we consider his lack of motivation. I do get him animal magazines and he'll look at those for the pictures. However, it's not a matter of him being able to read.

As a parallel example, I have regaled him about how his father and I used to pour over our scout books (reading!) in order to actively figure out getting done our next badge. J is perfectly content to let us or the den decide his next activity, never even picking up the book unless I trick him somehow.

Like your example, and I've fretted the issue, he starts violin in the fall through school. After years of prepping him that it'll happen in the 4th grade and him coming on board with it over the last six months, I almost dread it. I know he will not be motivated to practice. [And I don't anticipate classroom time will be enough. He needs to learn to read music. I have a feeling I will be re-learning reading music and will learn the violin in the process.]

Do I allow him to fail on his own? How do I milk the motivation? I do not want to pay him to practice, the only thing that seems to motivate him. I've called him "My Little Capitalist" for years.

I keep waiting on something besides xbox and tv to click!

What do you folks think? What has worked with/for you? Or, better yet, what might work for my elementary-aged kid?

PS-The craft show was more of a yard sale. It was a bust. Par for any of the crafters, I earned back half of my entry fee only to spend it at's coming home. Alas. I'm going to have quite the personal earring wardrobe or I need to find some more outlets.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

All's well

The doctor yesterday didn't see anything wrong with my eyes. However, last evening, I showed Norma and she freaked out. Literally. She didn't think the doctor knew what he was doing. However, my labs came back this morning and the doctor called to say that every single thing, from liver to kidney to blood counts to glucose, were all fine. My thyroid is on the low side of normal, which is higher than last time and these numbers are completely meaningless anyway, but all is fine.

I bought some aspirin today. My neck is creaky and my right abdomen hurts, all the usual pain I cannot ignore, as I try to stay away from Advil.

The best news about the office visit yesterday was him having samples of Seroquel again, a psych drug which psychiatrists cannot get samples for, yet this GP always has a slew. He gave me a box that I'll have to cut the tablets (challenging to cut a long 300mg capsule into 25mg bits, so I had to settle for closer to 50 on that pill; other pills in the same variety pack were 50-200 and easier to cut evenly), but this box will last over four months. That saves me hundreds. I'll have to invent some other medical emergency around Thanksgiving to get more free samples.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Beginning some time about two months ago, I started going to a podiatrist for pain in the balls of my feet. Things have gotten better with the inserts taking pressure off and 9-12 Advil a day reducing the pain and inflammation.

This weekend while out camping, J noticed my eyes are yellow if you pull back the lower lid - I thought I'd gotten a bug in one during the hike, so he was doing an inspection.

Of course, I've gone through the idea of liver cancer and every other disease, but I think it is the high dosage of Advil, a med listed that can cause jaundice. I can't see yellow in my mucous membranes or elsewhere, but jaundice may be a contributing factor to my tiredness and spaciness.

Remind me in two weeks after I limit myself on the Advil, but balance that with the foot pain increasing.

It sucks getting old. Just a few weeks to 45.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Camping, hiking, sliding, and eating

We set up Friday afternoon. I was quite proud about how (accidentally) coordinated we were.

Note Mom's Special Lemonade, a necessity each evening.

We did a hike Saturday morning. Went about 4.5 miles in 3 hours, not exactly record-breaking pace, but the path was less than optimal.

This fauna was so beautiful together.

I'd never seen a tree so hollow.

A more optimal section of the path.
This twisted bridge scared J to death.

Another hollowed tree along the path.

Followed by a nap, then another foray into the pool, totaling seven hours in two days. J was addicted to the slides, which meant I didn't have to get in the pool very much.

Each evening we ate the same things cooked on the grill:

Ribeye or New York Strip

Corn on the cob cooked in the coals

Sauteed mushrooms and onions


(PS: Note the blog entry precedes the unpacking of the car. Priorities, people.)

Friday, July 06, 2007

The great outdoors

We'd planned to begin camping yesterday, but I was able to bump back the reservation a day so we wouldn't have to camp in the 60% thunderstorm which never came through. So, out we'll go today. In the past, we've camped for one night many times, which means no cooking was involved and I didn't have to worry about filling the day. This trip will be very different.

Of course, I haven't prepared in the least, but that's nothing a grocery store visit won't tackle. (That defaults to the idea that I am forgetting a lot of non-grocery items and other issues.)

We'll be putting up my new craft show canopy as a dining tent and J will get scouting credit for using a knot on a guy line. He'll also get scouting credit for jumping in the pool over his head and swimming, etc. This foray will be good for his new Weeblos requirements, which are quite numerous. I have all these little papers of instructions for knocking out these things.

Cooking... well, don't sandwiches make a great picnic, thus elevating camping to picnicamping? Per a scout requirement, we need a fire, so we'll cook s'mores. That counts, right? Maybe I'll get some corn to cook in the fire and charcoal to cook us steaks on the grill.

I feel myself getting carried away in a good way. Swimming and food. With some painting hopefully, too.

Oh, yeah. New idea! I'm going to get him to perform! My shy little boy! I recently got speakers for the MP3 player. I've also recently downloaded some nature sounds MP3s. I'm going to make J enact whale calls from the deep and bird squawks from the rainforest. I may save acting out breezy wind chimes for myself.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Um, yeah

July 1 is my father's birthday, but I mostly associate it with new goodies handed down from the politicians, one of which I saw in a parade recently. I think I will put that innocuous cushy little football he handed out into my blender. He's raising $200 million/year off of the residents' backs.

Read more about this year's buffet and how I hope not to go broke merely by being a [mostly law abiding and generally do gooder of a] resident. Remember, non-residents who drive right by my house doing the same things in traffic are exempt from the civil penalties, etc.

Hmmmm. Non-resident? What an iinteresting concept!

I also understand they tripled fees having to do with home ownership as well as vehicle inspection and emission charges. I can't investigate further or I will cry without the luxury of spilt milk.

This sure makes a move to FL even more attractive.

Monday, July 02, 2007


The appraiser was fifteen minutes early. Only the motivated do business at 7:45 on a Sunday.

Remember, my house stays a wreck, a symptom of ADHD. I had no choice, but I wouldn't have let him in unless he was bearing the gift of a step toward refi. As it turns out, the loan officer is out of town until the 5th, at which time J and I head of camping for two days, so I don't expect too much to get done for the next week.

True to my goal of EEG helping me have a cleaner house, I was actually able to get some stuff done. That's major progress and a boost to my morale.

I spent time on and off making jewelry. Have now made several bracelets and probably 20 pairs of earrings, too many of each I want to keep. How that? Entering a craft show, but wanting to keep bunches of the goods for myself?

The first craft show I'm doing is in less that two weeks; if I am juried in, the second is in about three months and I'd like to find one in between. I practiced yesterday putting up the $22 canopy from R.ite Aid. It is less than sturdy, but that lightness makes it haulable and put-up-able by me alone. It will work. Just hope it isn't a breezy day.

In the evening went walking with Norma. She and her son went for more, but I came home because of my extreme exhaustion lately - had not walked in two weeks. Passed a house in my neighborhood at which the people had put to the curb a long cloth bag plus contents. I figured if nothing else the bag would be perfect for the new canopy, but I found inside a used but nice large patio umbrella. I'll still use the bag for the canopy because of all the parts, but the umbrella could be handy, too. Need to check out getting a base.

Speaking of free stuff, I've been getting stuff almost daily from the recycling email list. Except for one desk chair which was nasty, I've gotten quality stuff and exactly what I've wanted. Amazing. Sometimes I just want to ask if anyone would like me to just take a shopping cart through their house and I'll haul stuff away. (This is kinda how I got such a cluttered house, though, ya think?)

What I want most is a couch, but I don't have a truck. Nice couches come up all the time. Sure would like a new one I didn't pay $1000 for. Guess that's worth a truck rental.

Finally, an end to the most boring post I've ever done.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

What else would I be doing?

I have the home appraisal for my refi at 8am. So I am typing a post instead of cleaning, rationalizing that I couldn't get much done anyway.

Last night I had my third date with eHar. I guess I should give him a name. Chris. That's a good name.

Chris is a very nice person, very polite, good listener. I enjoy his company.

He has an ex-wife after a ten year relationship and an ex-girlfriend from a six year relationship. The last one is what plays with his head and pocketbook as they bought stuff together, as in a house and car.

While he has been hit with some hard times, he is relatively smooth. Having the car which is in his name would help tremendously as well.

Last night was the first time I spoke of P or Ted and I filled in some details. Chris was incredulous. For one thing, he thinks the tie is meaningful. In his past life, Chris was a pathological liar, so he could see the lies of P and the warpedness of Ted, too. It was good talking to him. His AA status actually lends so much self awareness that he so much better a person for it. He is very grounded.

Last week, I sent him a link to my art website. I am amazed at how impressed he is by it. He likes very much that I have my own style and equates it to his own language of analogies in music. He says a guy might be technically proficient playing covers on guitar and execute every song perfectly, but unless he does so with his own mark on them, he is nothing more than a robot. He thinks I have a great style and that it is very distinct. When I asked him how he would describe this style, he said he didn't know the art words for it. So, of course, I put words in his mouth, or at least explained how I see it. My work has a lot of movement and the flow between objects helps create it.

Anyway, it is nice to be listened to and for someone to rave a little about my work. I remember with both P and ex, I would hear, "Of course it's good. You did it," which helped me very little and isn't especially positive. Pat pat pat on the head.

So things are going well on the Chris front. He's yet to kiss me. His barometer about what's appropriate in dating is broken. Well, mine always has been. I kept talking during the lean in, so it became a hug. I need to fix that brain-mouth wiring.