Saturday, September 29, 2007
I did my first oil class homework Friday - a B/W values study of a still life. I chose to do a still life of one piece, because it was my first oil, of course.
The first class I missed b/c of the EEG workshop. Then on Monday I said I'd be a real artist when I began painting, but class time was filled with canvas prep and gessoing that and paper. I had no surface dry enough, so I couldn't paint. The gesso paper prep was something the rest of the class had done the week before, so they were beginning their second paintings.
My bowl looks a little square, but for what the shape lacks, the tones work well. It looks great from a distance. I am happy with the depth and, as J put it, yin yang. What depth he has!
I guess I am a painter now.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I am also finding crap.
I am including it here because it is my record. I am not upset or hurt, not particularly. Seeins how P's been married for a year next week, well, it's time I'm over it.
But I still must record it.
This is what he wrote in my valentine last year. He'd been cheating on me for three weeks by then...
You are truly a great mother, lady, friend, confidante, and my angel. I
love you more than words can express.
All of my love,
He fucked me that morning. I think he did her that evening.
About 4-6 weeks later after he'd been with her for about two months, out of the blue he hand delivered me this note:
Hi My Beautiful Sweetheart,
As you read this, you need to know how much I love you. You are my best
friend, my confidante, my biggest supporter, my angel in every sense of the
word. You have, in the last year plus, become the true love of my life. The one
person that I can rely on to be, at times, brutally honest with me when I need
it. To be loving and true to your feelings when I need that as well. I know that
you feel the same way about me and sometimes I can't believe how lucky a person
I really am to have you in my life. I want you forever and can't imagine a life
without you in it.
I'm happy and honored to call you my love.
Remember, this was a few months after my blow up at Xmas. He's saying I was right to express my concerns. He's also saying that I was still the love of his life, his forever mate, regardless of me having broken up with him and "shattered" him so.
A few months ago, I would have lamented this. Hard. I cannot say I am completely without hurt now, but I can say my first and gut reaction is:
YOU FUCKING LIAR. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THE LIVES YOU WRECK.
There, I feel a little better. I still cannot believe how duped I was. I don't think I am alone in the duping. Poor Shancy.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I feel invaded and I need to find a way to tell her I'm a big girl now.
On the home front, Spencie, the cat, has become a bully of the older Memphie. The invasions can be violent. Memphis lives on or under my bed and Spencie has the rest of the house. I'm very glad Memphie finds a way to the litter box and food. Thank goodness he's a sparse eater anyway. Do you have any suggestions for having them get along?
/Invasions, I wish
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I was preparing my art bag for Tuesday and came across some old plein air paintings. This is of the local falls, a rather large one. I did two others in Aug 06 and should root around and find them, too. J was in camp and I painted three over two days. I like the looseness and use of color, the representational without being overly so. This is the style I hope to use in the plein air class - saturated color with seemingly few details, which actually take a lot to look that way.
I kept my mouth shut.
I remember a friend of L's who was working on his Eagle. When I learned his father was atheist (and family not religious), I asked him how he reconciled that with scouting. He credited his wife.
"One nation under Pam" was what he would say instead of "God," b/c Pam ruled his world and he worshipped her. It used to work well with P, but now I need a substitution and I think "chocolate" is too long.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
They tried to arrange dinner for us next Wednesday, but I have plans with Dinner Ted, so I said for him to call instead. Well, he called Friday around 6. Not only did he call, he'd driven to a mall near here (he lives about 30 minutes away in the next state over) to call and I felt obligated to meet him, not at all sure, but having nothing else to do either.
Well, he looks like a guy from the Allman Brothers band, just not so neat. He's a Vietnam vet and scruffily looks the part. He has a series of three skull tattoos down his forearm.
I could not be rude and figured it was something to do, so we had dinner in the food court and saw a 3:10 to Juma, a solidly good movie. Russell Crowe was both dastardly and charming. Christial Bale was his usual flat self; the man has no inflections. It did feel a bit long, but that may have been the company.
On the phone beforehand, I'd told him how I didn't like physical demonstrations on a first (or second or third) date, so he politely asked if he could put his arm around me during the movie. I replied, "No, I am too wiggly and need to move around," when I wanted to say, "Your BO and bad breath would knock me over. Thanks, but no thanks."
So we watched the movie. He liked it less than I. Go figure. I figured he'd prefer a Western. Anyway, we parted in the parking lot directly after the movie was over, he gave me a gift he'd given me when I got there (a bee-shaped hand massager b/c he's pervy - even offered that he's uncircumcised sometime in there; Norma had not let on how many sexual references he insists upon) and handed over a DVD he'd gotten for himself, Pan's Labyrinth, one I'd raved over and wanted to see. Nice gesture.
He's a nice man, just NOT for me. Norma is crazy. We went for a late walk afterwards and I filled her in.
So, to review about affection on a first date, I was to have had dinner tonight with Sushi Man, but he never called. I'm not heart broken by any means, b/c he'd weirded me out a bit about the PDA stuff. He went to kiss me upon meeting me. He tried to hold my hand. He tried to put his arm around me. He tried to kiss me upon leaving. I understand he probably felt rejected, but he should not have been trying.
I like to shake hands on a first date. What happened to that?
Touch me and I cringe. I must feel comfortable to touch. A switch turns in my brain, then I am a touch-a-holic. Anybody else that way? I guess I am very sensitive about my body space.
So instead of feeling uncomfortable around a misc man, I am going to J's opening scout ceremony out in the woods this evening. I don't anticipate anybody but a sweet-smelling 10 yo will be trying to touch me tonight.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Spent the morning sewing J's Webelo shirt patches. Fingers hurt. Hate patches. They go camping this weekend for their opening event.
Made another dinner date with Ted's friend Ted who I went to dinner with recently. I asked him about something, then he said I had to go to dinner to find out. Alas. Tough life. Anyway, they'd called on Saturday, dinner Ted calling on Toupe Ted's phone. Then Dinner Ted tried to hand it off and it sounded like Toupe running away. The I told them I was with my son, but to call me back in a few hours, which they did not. They were at a party thing at a marina. With the strains of the workshop, I would not have gone out, but I do want to know what was going on.
Need to get to the art store for some supplies (big surprise there!) b/c classes start Monday and Tuesday and I must get practicing on the eeg, my new friend and nemesis. My leg stopped jumping after treatment yesterday, so I really want that back.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
There's a lot of talk about brain structure and I wish there were more hands-on time.
Yesterday, I did my first assessment. That means I hooked up the electrodes to the amplifier, back to the computer, and up to the specific spots on the head. I cannot tell you how complicated that is and how many ways there are to mess up those five wires. I was lucky in that my partner has some experience. I hope she stays my partner today.
Today I'll also learn what my assessment said. The conditions were not optimal for the readings (afternoon, bouncing leg, less than relaxing environment, etc) and not much is expected, but I am curious to have this world-renowned practioner look at it.
I am debating on extending my workshop experience until Thursday. The first time I registered, I did until Thursday. The second, only until Tuesday, but I'd forgotten that. I think I need the extra help, but I need to still have a brain by then. All things considered, I think I could do it.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Please just don't let it be a waste.
During that time, I will miss my first oils class. I will miss learning how to stretch canvas. I emailed him for alternatives, but haven't heard back. Alas. I will feel behind the following Monday.
That next Tuesday is when I begin my plein air class. I will be hoping for continued good weather. Today I ordered a "few" art supplies to help with the class. "Few," of course, means over $300. Gosh, what a change in perspective. I know I'll get good use out of them, however.
Last night, ex was supposed to coordinate the taking of names and money for me for a scout thing I'm hosting next month, then faxing the form today b/c my fax broke this week. Note to self: don't ask ex to follow through on anything. I know a couple misc people signed up and a few less paid, no clue whom, and it's for something which must be registered today to secure out spot. Thanks, ex.
I have bad news about the $1500 engagement ring, but it is too drawn out to type. Suffice it to say, I will be receiving $0 b/c of a bank screw up I have no faith with get fixed. I figure I didn't pay for the ring, so it's no skin off my teeth to have nothing for it. Believe that??
Lastly, b/c of the workshop, I may not blog for a week. Depends on my stamina. Depends on my brain.
Take care, bloggers.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I could hear and feel it pop at 12:20 am, knew exactly what it was, kind of liking the smell. Alone in my own bed, I huffed and puffed breathing, thinking I was doing so well. Little did I know what real pain would come. I spent the day at my certified nurse midwife's, a hippie love child Ina Mae type with three kids herself. I absorbed the flow of her household, tried walking, pressure points, and nipple stimulation, but they didn't translate into contractions. Later I had two bowls of applesauce laced with castor oil; little did I know how its prostaglandins would ripen my previously long cervix into giving me a first baby labor lasting less than eight hours after the oxytocin was introduced.
Although I'd hoped for an unmedicated birth, the second I hit 4cm, I wanted drugs. I think they made me peppy with energy afterwards, able to greet the delivery guy who came to pick up J's umbilical cord blood for quick airline delivery to Arizona.
So, this was my day a decade ago, spilling over onto J's birth at 6:20am. J, my sweet J, had APGARS of 10 and 10, mostly because of his "lusty cry" which curled my toes and made me think he'd be a wild ride. Little did I know what a gentle ride motherhood would bring.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
The date was good, too, but kind of fatherly or at least he reminds me of my father, who was 11 when Daniel was born. Daniel is 55 and he seems 55, not a young 55, so he seems old school. I said we could go out again, because I do like his company. You know me, I figure the rest will follow and, if it doesn't, I'll end things then.
We're going out again in two weeks. I got my schedule mixed up a bit, but that's alright. I'm not in a burning desire to go out quickly.
After we ate, I told him I'd like to go for a walk. His high rise complex is close by, so we walked around there and through their common area. They have a bowling alley, indoor poor/hot tub, restaurant, pool room, etc, but most of the users are about 75. J and I would have so much fun there being the young folk taking advantage of the amenities.
We didn't talk about past relationships, so I am not sure why he's 55 and never married. I am curious how that happened, as he seems like a gentle, amicable guy. I guess I'll stuck around to try to figure it out.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Afterwards, we were supposed to go to an party at a club with the headliner and I ditched my car to ride with a few other women. We could not find this club. The GPS thing found it, but we were repeatedly unable to find it. Ug. I'd wished I'd not left my phone in the car b/c I have internet access and could have come up with the proper address instead of an obtuse, "You are here." In a British accent, no less.
Before the show started, I socialized with a few different women, two of which are teachers. One of the teachers was out on Wednesday night the previous two weeks. The other is one I know less well, but don't really care for. I think of Beth as a Princess getting attention. She got married to a good guy from the group maybe two years ago. They had a baby less than nine months ago, another son to go with her one a little older than J.
Well, she's seeking a divorce already. Why? Because he comes home from work and games, does not help with the house or the baby.
Okay, if the baby were a toddler, I'd believe it. Give it some time as he adjusts to fatherhood. But this baby barely crawls and she's making a life decision very quickly. Honestly, there's so much worse he could be doing, I hope this isn't it. I do not understand making such a harsh decision so quickly.
And, fuck, she's back in the dating mix. In fact, Beth 'jokingly' propositioned the man crowd for semen because she really wants a daughter. Nice to be so confident in one's late 30s.
Friday, September 07, 2007
I can only think of a few things that might be making me so nervous, besides chemistries I can't help, but feel very guilty for 1) having and 2) not being able to control. Oddly, suddenly having money from the re-fi and selling the ring makes me so jittery b/c I am afraid I will blow the money and be broke again. So I'm trying not to spend any money.
The other thing relates. I had to buy a laptop for the EEG workshop and I don't really want or need a laptop otherwise. I fear it'll be a $1400 waste, just as I fear my spaciness will make $1000 in workshop fees (and $1200 in software/equipment) a waste. Plus, I absolutely dread sitting in a chair for seven days.
I know these stressors sound minimal, but in my state, they are hightened in importance. Add to that the Dell computer I purchased yesterday from the outlet may not arrive until after half way through the workshop and I am a wreck. Remember for yourself, when Dell says 3-5 days free shipping, it means after they sit on the order 11 days first. All I could do was ask them to bump it up to next day shipping and, as I hold my breath, learn that the outlet should ship quicker than those being built.
On the good side, the event I hosted Wednesday went very well. There were eight of us for drinks, apps, and indie flick. It was relaxed and I think everybody had a good time and wants to do it again.
For those of you who might have forgotten, I feel my dating is limited because of disease, so I prefer to keep things in that realm. Dating clubs are common in most places. This one is pretty successful in getting people out and it is pretty easy to host an event. It's ready-made friends who understand.
Friends who understand. Who could ask for more?
I've come to the conclusion that if the computer doesn't arrive by next Thursday morning, I will go to the used computer shop and got a cheap laptop. I called today and learned I could get one for $400 that would probably suit my needs. I figure J could probably use it as his own or I could just take the thing back (minus %15 restocking) and not worry anymore. It's an option anyway that makes sure I have a computer for the workshop and it sure is nice to have money enough that it is a viable option. Not to mention that Wednesday is J's birthday! Or I could just return the Dell one when it finally comes - serves them right!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Yesterday I told my therapist that I would try to get in some EEG to get down my anxiety. I am going to the one that is helping with the upcoming workshop, not the one I got 60 free sessions. It might turn out that the latter caused my angst, her priming my focus/concentration for the ADHD test in July when speeding up those waves (beta) is contrary to my already high beta. She baited me for better results on the test.
Maybe I found the solution for myself.
This is all so frustrating b/c nobody works harder on mental health than I, yet I often get the shaft somehow.
I'll check back in and hopefully I will have a marked improvement right off. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Second, I really wish Chris were in a better place. I am going to try hard to call him more routinely. Neither one of us wants to loose contact.
Third, I have a date on Saturday night. This new guy is one I emailed when I joined the dating site for my birthday, so he is 'safe' for me to date on BOTH issues. He's a decade older than I and never been married. We're going for sushi, something I've always wanted a teacher to try. I'll admit he's seemed a little pompous on the phone, but I think I can get around it, as it is early and airs are common early.
Fourth, my son is actually showing motivation (without threats) in going to school. He's up early and getting a shower, eating breakfast. This morning we had so much time as to do an assignment that we didn't realize we had the matarials to do. He's excited about starting gifted math and violin, plus having us visit him for lunch. His father and I are amazed and hope he keeps it up.
Fifth, I see my psychiatrist in a little bit. Am going to ask for ritalin or something. Need to wake up and it figure it's the only way I can do EEG training is with it - oh the irony. Then after her, I see my therapist, then my GP. Hopefully there will be a plan for my tiredness.
Sixth, tonight I am hosting a singles thing. Looking forward to the appetizers, beers, followed by a movie. Can't wait. One of my favorite things in the world is a buzz and a flick, combined with safe driving. Hope my malaise doesn't interfere. Or this perpetually bouncing leg.
Seventh, ex goes for a follow up visit to a cardiologist today. He originally went to the dr for pink eye, then the dr heard a right side clog (didn't know that was possible to hear), then ex went for a stress test. Today is results day. I figure it it were really bad, they would have snagged him last week. I have really been affected by the thought of his heart going bad.
Eighth, so what's up with you? School? Hating following a bus in traffic? Break me out of this bubble and tell me what you're up to.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
This is really bad. I've been in a depression for about 2 months. It lifted yesterday, very abruptly as it does, but it seems to be closing down again. I needed to communicate with you in some way while I can and I don't seem to have the courage to call. Clearly I'm not yet ready to date and am truly sorry to have missed the opportunity to have gotten to know you even better than I have. If you are so inclined, I would be thrilled to stay in touch but certainly understand if you need to move on. Most likely you've already done so. It really sucks that I can't seem to shake this. The only good thing is that it seems to have no effect on my sobriety. I've missed you and I would like to talk to you but I just am so ashamed.
Imagine this. An honest guy. He seriously needs a hug.
I called him immediately and he was so relieved. He's had so much stress that he has wallowed. He sounded better on the phone than he sounded in the note. What vulnerability. Amazing.
ETA: School started today and my son was actually eager for it. He'll learn about when he begins violin this week. I am psyched about that and it will deserve its own blog entry.
If you'll excuse the typos, I'll try to blog more. I have a dr appt tomorrow to see about the tiredness, spaciness, and tadaaaa why my left leg has been shaking for over a week. I want my old self back, especially b/c I have a big EEG workshop coming up - a week in a chair taking notes and learning technical gibberish. Ug. I keep reminding myself that this IS what I want to do, then I think of the fun art classes beginning the next week.
Speaking of which, I have a grand set of oils. I am a real artist now b/c I finally have oils, no matter that I don't know how to use them!