Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Lifting a weight

It's been a good Fall for art. I sold three paintings and I won two awards. I feel good about the two shows that are concurrently running at the art place, am participating in just one other right now, but with plenty others on the horizon.

Things are coming together, but I still have distinct feelings of being the new kid on the block. I suppose I am, but I would like some respect. I feel uneasy.

In part, it's been problematic b/c I've suffered my fifth thyroid overdose, which makes one ravenous and gain even more weight, unable to sleep, agitated, mouthy, etc. I'm so ready for this to be over. As if. This week marks my four year anniversary of being diagnosed.

Speaking of anniversaries, I missed my five year anniversary of this blog. I think of this so often, what I've so candidly spilled here. Sometimes I feel quite shy about having been so honest.

This month, I resigned from the board position I'd held since April in a society I'd only joined last December. In the future, I must know the board cliques before I sign on. I came to realize that it was a group of little old ladies in tennis shoes and I had more lofty and professional aspirations than they did. Strange thing to me was that they had two shows a year, required attendance and reporting any absences to a board member, required committee work, and had a limit of the group to 30 so that the center could accommodate all of us for shows. Now these things seem like an organization interested in making shows both central and successful, but instead of a Show and Sale, they actually thought of it more like a Show and Tell. I could not devote so much time to nothingness anymore.

There are other related niggles, but I'll give it a rest. Last week was good, this week is a muddle and I can't shut off my brain.

My son is 12 and acting both 14 and 3. I learned at the parent-teacher conference that he treats his teachers like his mom, which isn't pretty as he rolls his eyes without rolling his eyes. It's time for treatment of his ADD to get his focus on and transition smooth, as his stubbornness and know-it-all-ness will only get worse. I am trying to find a doctor that takes ex's very well known insurance, but have not had luck as most take no insurance at all. The real progress is that ex actually agreed that something needs to happen. I really need to get on the stick with this.

Bea and I are still chugging along. She can be such a sweet, helpful, and thoughtful person. Things had gotten very comfortable and I was happy, but last week I had a trust issue knock me back six months, a straw that broke the camel's back

I will readily admit that I am jealous of her previous girlfriends with whom she was very generous. With me, she is quite tight and I feel like she has the warped idea that I should provide for her and us. Four times in our short relationship she has had the need to come to me for money, which is laughable. The third time was for over a month's time when she was being audited (for the third time) due to some mis-steps by her CPA, who will soon be convicted for embezzlement of some 20 clients.

Last week was the last straw emotionally, as she discovered she'd over-spent her arbitrary monthly budget amount imposed by her new CPA, a budget which is only 7% of her INTEREST income, as she brings in a huge amount each month doing nothing. She felt it appropriate for me to bail her out with an advance from my credit card. Absolutely absurd.

As I've carried on about before, she repays, sure she's good for it, but she gives no "thank you bonuses" which make it logical to lend to her. She's shot herself in the foot with this one.

Like I said, we'd gotten to a very good place; I had given it up thinking about money and fairness, knowing that instead she'd bail me out when something big broke, like my water heater and brakes, but they're nowhere near what she is/has given others. Of course, the higher order concern now is her actually getting a house for us and me somehow living monetarily under someone who is so completely arbitrary and foolish. I need stability and not flurries of spending for which I have no reins, but I am still responsible somehow. I have the impression she's easy with everyone else (shouldn't I be treated at least the same as her parents and sisters?) and tight with me.

Granted, part of the reason she went over budget-wise was buying art supplies for me for Xmas, which would seem nice, except most of it is not what I'd specifically requested when asked. They're large sets from brands I don't use and had ruled out. It really makes me feel a loss...confused...frustrated. I feel the victim of her midnight shopping sprees.

I told my therapist yesterday that if she were a man, I'd be expecting a $20K diamond necklace or the like. The light went on for my therapist how expectations are somehow skewed b/c it's Bea instead.

Really, I just want to feel special in the well communicated ways I'd like to feel special. She likes to dabble in my art "business," twice buying me boatloads of frames which weren't my style and I could use only maybe one third, so I actually gave them back to her. Then she went on an easel-buying spree, to include another of the regular outdoor working easel I already had, despite the fact that I sent her specific links and preferences to get a few for shows. Same with Xmas. Same with other little stuff when I have to tap dance and be appreciative. My business is my business. I need to steer it.

Okay. Rant is over. This is my second, less angry draft, but it wound up just as long, but w/o so many details.

She's coming tomorrow to avoid traffic. I don't want too cook, b/c that costs too much and I'd rather go out to eat. I fear the blow up.

Hope you all have a great holiday.