Heaviness

That about sums it up.

I weighed myself last week and had gained probably 8 pounds since my low in November. Goes to show how much the thyroid med came into play. The doctor made me start a lower dosage when she put me on bcps. As I increase them (with great paranoia), I get closer to where I should be, but I'm not there yet. Right now, I'm edging in on the dosage that put me over the edge a year ago, but at least my nose, feet, and hands are no longer cold.

Note to women everywhere: don't listen when your doctor says your thyroid is normal if it's anything above 2. Find a dosage and titrate to one that makes you warm and gives you energy. You'll feel the difference.

I'm not quite there yet, but I figure it'll happen. In my case, bcps rather significantly made my thyroid worse and I need extra thyroxine. The Pill and pregnancy commonly muck up the thyroid, but women are just thought to be crazy, so complaints are mere sexist status quo. I loathe the male medical model.

The good news is that the weight will come back off on its own.

Well, one other thing. You know how during the holidays, sweets are so available, then become habit and you want them still to be around and ingested after the holidays. Yeah, me neither.

I've had a sinus infection for a few days and it's gone into the chest as of yesterday. Much heaviness. All I want to do is sleep; my poor son is at wits end wanting to do something. Last night, I called my ex-MIL to thank her for something (she really is a nice lady - went to the hotel where I forgot my robe before the funeral and put my robe in the mail for me) and my son got on the phone, "My mom is still in her pajamas from last night." I could give him a load of heaviness, the squirt.

In my semi-delirium, I just flashed to a banal reasoning as to why kids are called squirt. Kellie, do you agree?

For my bitchy rant of the day, I choose Norma, just to demonstrate how odd her devil's advocating can go. On the phone the other night, she politely inquired how the biofeedback is going. Up until that point, I didn't have a feel for her take on it, although she does feel strongly that I have ADHD, per a book she'd read and our discussions, so to me it follows that I should find a way to treat it.

I told her that each set of sessions seems to give me a different side effect and it is what they expect to happen. They always ask at the outset of a session how I've felt and I say "even," "agitated," "tired and drooling," etc. I'm just waiting to spring "horny and fulfilled" on them. heh

[Oh Fuck! What if it changes me to horny and unfulfilled or unhorny? I've read people questioning whether it normalizes out creativity and I'd figured I'd be willing to give up on some of my abundance of creativity for a little normalcy. But to give up on horny? Sheesh!]

[A More Serious Note: Even with these odd side effects on the road to good brain wave patterns, I find them much more acceptable than being on meds that made me gain 30 lbs, put me on the road to diabetes, make me sun sensitive, or cause potentially fatal skin rashes. It's all perspective along with trial and error.]

After a session over a week ago that included a funky new addition to the regimen, I was filled with self-loathing, really hating my body and negatively ruminating too much about things I'd said. Of course, the biofeedback people didn't like that reaction when I reported it several days later. They decided to wire me up for some relaxation and it worked. (Man, it is spooky to be putty in someone else's hands.) Now their instructions are to come in and get a tune up if I have a reaction I'm not comfortable with.

When I related this to Norma, she cried, "No! Wasn't it a full moon last week? That will do strange things to people." And she would hear of no different.

Heaviness.