Monday, March 12, 2007

As we ready ourselves

Our beloved is dying. She's still getting around, but for the first time in her long, happy life, she is content to be picked up and carried up the stairs. She calls us to tend her. Right now, she's sitting here on the desk under my chin, her head within easy kissing distance. It is one of her favorite places to be. There were times I got tired of the awkwardness of her head on my mouse hand, but I know how much I will miss that.

All these pictures were taken today.

Another favorite place of hers is sitting on the commode as I shower. She's been showering with me for almost 19 years now.

Today, she has had some water, her pills, her fluids. She ate a bite or two, not much. I made the mistake of feeding her a little yogurt twice yesterday, something she liked more than anything else, but it made her ill. At the time, I didn't realize the problem and figured it would be the end last night or today I would choose the end.

Based on that, I kept my son from school today thinking we would take her in. I also asked if ex wanted to come in today as he dropped J off, if he wanted to say goodbye. He was quite sweet, coming in, giving me a hug, and calling at lunch to see if we'd gone in.

My poor son. I cannot comfort him, as I am too torn up. Those are both of our tears on the pillow. Grief is difficult, yet I do not want to shield him from it.

I haven't been able to call about going in with her. She's old and sick, but she doesn't seem ready to die. She's still following us around and participating, albeit slowly. And I don't want to do it today merely because it is more convenient than the coming days.

Yesterday, I researched buying some yard markers and found options. I also decided I need to find something to bring to the vet when we carry her home. At our old house, we once buried a black lab, Elw00d, in a cotton chenille bedspread from my grandmother. I buried Sa.die's best buddy, Jell0, with a Chinese porcelain bowl full of milk.

I thought to bury Sa.die with a cotton receiving blanket from when J was tiny. Then it popped into my head the three piece set I've kept in the closet for eight years awaiting my new arrival who never came. Instead of ever using it on a human babe, the blanket will escort my true love into the ground and she will be wearing such love and hope, laced with sincere appreciation for being in our lives.

Play, my Sweet Sad!e Belle. Play.


Cricket said...

There were over a dozen compassionate comments here. Blogger ate them and I am very sad about that.

Anonymous said...

Here's one more. I tried to comment elsewhere but it looks like Blogger ate it too.

The picture of heartbreak on your son's face brings tears to my eyes. The sense of loss is a tribute to how loved she was. It's a big lesson for a little guy and his mom. The circle of life may get easier, but that doesn't mean it ever gets easy. She was there for you for the long haul. I'm so sorry for your sadness.

Requiem in Pace, Sadie.