The way it goes vs. the way I want it

Thanks for a few comments and some support. It feels very sad and lonely here when post after post receives no comments, particularly when there are a number of blogs that I respond on practically every post. I also want the conversational nature here which would lead to additional blog entries that aren't so me focused. I'd like things to be different and can only receive if I ask.

So, about last night...

You know how when your mate sticks out their lips in a pucker, your instinct is to pucker back in a quick kiss as you're on your way out the door?

Well, I fucking didn't expect that out of Ted as I was leaving Saturday night. He was standing by my stuff, so I had no choice but to go near him. When I was still across the room, it ran through my mind that I wasn't even going to hug him like I did all the other people at the cook out, but I got trapped. It wasn't a wet, sloppy, passionate kiss, however the naturalness of it is throwing me. And the publicness. We were in the kitchen with the rest of the stragglers and I'd just hugged the room, yet kissed him.

He was actually polite and mature all evening; even spoke nicely to Henry about his new house. I don't know what's gotten into him. It was sort of like the mature version I saw him transform into after he'd piss me off and make me irrational; him being mature is a manipulative upper hand, but he seemed humble this time. More together. More tolerable.

Although I would not have requested it, he stuck to me when he came to the party late, but that was logistical, as there wasn't any place else to sit. We caught up. It was nice having the fence building to talk about, as it wasn't something that was emotional or mattered. He spoke of his mother's dementia and how close she is to going to the nursing home. (I didn't say that she should have gone six months ago or that her violent and physical tirade from the day before was most likely pure frustration from him dicking her around.)

But to catch up, to be friendly on one level, then to have that go to a different (kissing) level (as I am not a general huggy/kissy person) upon leaving, well, I just hope he doesn't read anything into it. I kissed as a reflex, nothing more.

It did occur to me after I left that I want to email him to set him straight on how to keep up with a person, but I won't. (I love composing emails and blog entries in my head about what I'd like to say.) In our conversation early on, I mentioned that my grandmother died and he replied that he knew. I'd written it on the message board when a friend's grandmother died the next week, so I figured Ted would have read it there. He didn't contact me about that, even when he knew it was my third significant death in a few months, but he dared to text message me about July 4th and Wimbledon. I don't get it.

I want people to care about me, but is it wrong for me to want to be cared about in a certain way? Like when my grandmother died vs. being remembered during stupid day-in-a-life events? Does he really want brownie points for making contact? Then contact me at appropriate times. Oh, and paying me what he still owes would do wonders.

I don't know if he's stuck on me or what. I don't what to have to go through this exposure for every event. I want him to be my acquaintance, not my friend.

At least I did meet some other people at the cook out and there were lots others that I knew. After some chairs cleared, one friend invited me over to sit near her, as she knew a little about the Ted situation. It was fun sitting there with the girls, even though Ted followed me over to the chair on the other side. In trying to keep some distance, I never talked to him there, but I know my friend noticed how he followed me.

Oh, this shit plays with my mind. And it will happen every event we're both attending. I've already told him off. I don't want to dredge up hard feelings again by being mean.

Resolve: I need to find some other guy to date and scare him off.