Confused

It was a good weekend. It was a varied weekend. It did not end well.

I saw the Indian woman on Friday afternoon for a walk and lunch and we'd planned on Saturday night, too. She's a companion for her father and rarely gets the house to herself. He would be gone and she excitedly wanted me to come over.

She'd mentioned having purchased dental dams (oral sex barriers) after my talk, although I do not have a huge need for having or using them. I prefer action other ways and told her as much, but she insisted she wanted them.

We went to see Vicky Christina Barcelona and I liked it, found it very romantic. Afterwards, we went back to her house and she prepared a quick dinner. While it was in the oven, I put a move on her. I thought it's what I was invited there for. She rolled with it and responded, seemed happy. It was like this all evening. She had on black lace and helped me unbutton her blouse. She asked me downstairs to her room after eating. Things went very well and all was safe.

She showed me lots of pictures and, after our contact, even showed me the dental dams she'd purchased - $11 for them and $20+ to ship them overnight. I figured she was serious about being prepared! She had led me on to this point, even though she didn't have her lab results back. I figured she'd make it safe and that me being on meds was a positive.

I was gone all day Sunday and came home to an email from her saying she's too scared to continue with me, could we just be friends. In my previous email which I wrote after I'd been at her house, I had offered to use her camera to take pictures of her, to show her how beautiful she is because of some things she'd said about her body and how photos speak her language. In this rejection email, she still said it'd probably be fine to take nude pictures of each other. I was quite confused, considering that she didn't have her test results back, yet it was okay to both reject me and to have me see her nude again.

Today she called as I was leaving for art class. She'd wanted to both talk to me and to see me. I said I'd talk to her after class, so I called then. Turns out her test was negative. She cannot handle the risk, because she only wants to live in this area one more year, no ties. (That's not the kind of friendship I want, either.) However, I made it clear that the risk is known with me and she hooks up with people off of CL who probably aren't exactly honest with her. It's the second time I've been rejected by someone who would like to get their sex where they could and they simultaneously could not handle someone telling the truth. The known is worse than the unknown.

Dating outside h circles is absurd. The stigma is ridiculous. It's a fucking skin rash. Smack me if I bring dating up again.

She insisted that she was only rejecting me sexually, that she wants my company as a person and she thinks it's a valid differentiation. (I really do think she needs friends.) She also said something that floored me. She said she had no intentions for any sex to happen Saturday night. She thought we would kiss and cuddle. She never said that. I am not wired that way anyhow; touch me and I am ready. At no time, as she wore black lace bra and panties for show, did she indicate she was not interested or had other intentions. She propelled it, even if I was the one to start it in the kitchen; in fact, she commented we could skip dinner. She had professed the interest. She had made the moves kissing me a few days before. She was the one to feel me intimately on Wednesday. She invited me over during a time we'd be alone. I was following her lead.

But I am crushed at being considered an aggressor and that she was somehow reluctant. In fact, her email stated that I must have noticed her not being herself. Ha! She's an introvert who doesn't talk a whole lot, who I'd seen only three times previously, and I'd never been with her before. But she came twice, so I do believe she was doing just fine.

I loathe when something thinks I can read their mind or they change their story to cover for some remorse. When beginning with someone, I tend to be the more passive one, but I knew how much interest she had professed, how she had kissed and touched me and called me sexy.

I think she is a very confused person. These mixed signals are ridiculous. I am rejected, yet she still wants me to take nude photos of her. Absurd.

I also think she's crazy if she thought I could receive a rejection email (email! I bravely told her everything in person) on Sunday night and then potentially comfort and date her if she found out she was positive today. I was not feeling compassionate in the least after her email. How odd, that email.

She could have handled this so much better. She could have not held my hand each time we went on a walk. She could have truly waited for her results before she made intentions known to me. She could have been more clear about what she wanted Saturday night and she could have easily stopped our progression. She could have kept her fear to herself on Sunday until she knew her own status.

Prior to Saturday night, I could have just been friends. After "misunderstanding" her that profoundly concerning intentions, I don't want to take that risk again. We obviously are on different wavelengths, even though we get along and enjoy each other's company. She's so introverted, she doesn't talk much. I cannot read her mind. I cannot take the rap when she doesn't speak up; it might be even worse next time. I cannot take nude pictures of a woman who is rejecting me, as if friendly nude photo sessions were the norm, and then find she'd renege and accuse after it happened. I don't like being wrong in my judge of character and I find hers lacking.

I left it that I would think about it. Maybe I'll cool down in a few days, maybe not. I just don't do well with mixed messages, then hear, "Well, I don't want to point fingers, but..." and have that finger point squarely at me.