Saturday, January 17, 2009

Same ol'

I'm actually the optimistic sort, expecting the best to happen, figuring I'll learn and apply what I learned.

In my lapse of not reading Bloglines for a while ( I still have some of you to go), the dreaded pregnancy/new baby folder swelled to over 500 entries. In an act of courage and stupidity, I decided to tackle it.

Approximately every other blog was pregnant or had a brand new baby. I'm not even exaggerating. The shear numbers were completely unexpected. Operating in mistaken self-preseveration, I kept thinking, "No, this next one couldn't be," but it was.

I didn't understand, because most were in that folder because they (generally) got treatment to get pregnant in the first place and then they got their miracle baby allotment. Now they're working on bonuses.

Most days, I am fine being an over the hill infertile. In my life day to day, it rarely rears its head. I can talk to baby people just fine. However, the blog version of this scenario just isn't working for me. Although they couldn't really care less about me as a reader or an unfortunate individual, it feels cruel to learn how truly easy it becomes for some, how they cross back over that fence to stay. It feels like they weren't really infertile, that we were all fooled for a time.

Of course, I don't really believe these things, nor do I think an infertile's pregnancy is directed at my tender psyche, but it sure feels that way as I read entry after entry in a folder of infertiles, who rolled surprise pregnancies in Las Vegas or in their own damn bedrooms.

I wish I'd been so lucky. Reading that folder was overwhelming and it opened old wounds. I wish them all well, but mostly I wished myself well, too, but came up short. I don't think I will force myself to read that folder again. I really learned this time.

5 comments:

Gianna said...

sorry sweety...
there are lots of places I need to stay away from on the internet for my own particular delicate psyche...

and one of them would be reading about people having babies...I've never even gone there...

though I do participate in a endo group and the topic comes up, but it's not central.

take care of yourself...

Cricket said...

Thanks, Gianna. Endo is a tough one, because some don't think it's a contributor to IF due to how many are diagnosed after having children.

I struggle wondering if it was one of my contributing factors, along with a blocked tube, various ovarian cysts, and a wonky cervix from cryosurgery.

It's a complicated subject and I definitely know I don't have it the worst, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

Val said...

I don't think the "What-iffing" ever ends... I still find myself pondering (I started to type "reminiscing" but that's too soft & nostalgic a term for it) the conundrum of my decision not to bear a child in Marriage #2.
[I can't help thrashing myself a little]

Churlita said...

That does suck. Just read the blogs you can read. It's for your enjoyment anyway.

Donna said...

I really only follow 2 or 3 "mommy blogs", and those only because I've actually met these people and have a personal connection to them. I had to let go of all the other IF blogs. I firmly believe that endo played a part in my infertility, and now, it still causes me grief as riding tends to be the worst possible activity as far as causing endo pain. GGGRRRR