Thursday, March 05, 2009

The next page

Lyd called last night and I officially pulled the plug. I told her that I could not be part of her fantasy. I want her to disengage from me and find someone local and I want the same for me. She hates when she feels like a girl, but she's crying and moping. I told her that she needs distance and to not call until next week. I told her that I cannot handle the routinely long phone calls, that I can't entertain her, but I still like her and care for her. I don't see how there's a gray area for her, although there's always been one for me. I don't know how we can be friends.

She can be quite eloquent and she's written me a few short emails. She said she's not in love lost, but rather love limbo. She's excellent at telling herself what to do and how to feel - when she's not being mentally masochistic. I think she's seeing beauty instead of dirt for now.

I've known her almost a year. In some ways, I wish we could have made it until then. Also, her birthday is in just a few weeks. I just couldn't handle the disparity in our feelings any longer and felt such pressure in Sea.ttle. I also felt a huge sense of inadequacy, because I could not be what she wanted. I am not her princess.

Yeah, I do feel loss, but I feel a lot of relief, too. I know I will be lonely.

Afterward, I talked to Bea, who'd had a house call from her new therapist as her first session. She felt good about it, but I have some misgivings. First off, the therapist actually recommended a lesbian friend for her to date, talking her up. WRONG! Second, the therapist told her to run away from me, that she sees bipolars in her practice and that Bea has no idea what they're (I'm) capable of. I have never once had a therapist actually tell me what to do; this is ridiculous on a number of levels. Third, the therapist opened up at some length to Bea about some of her own problems.

This just feels all wrong! And I'm not saying that as a scorned-by-therapist friend or potential girlfriend. Bea lives in the boondocks, but there have to be some choices. Trouble is, when you work up nerve enough to finally call someone, you want it to work and perhaps lack energy to keep looking.

Gianna, thank you so much for your comment and for opening up; I miss it here, too. I have contemplated adopting the label of lesbian, but I do not feel like I would fit in that world. Although I could not at present fathom a relationship with a man, I cannot step into the lesbian stereotypical relationship, either. I don't find myself attracted to the feminine and like the soft butch, but I don't like the June and Ward Cleaver dynamic I see with that pairing. I want a partner who is an equal.

Lyd did leave me with a great parting gift. It should suffice for many coupling sessions - a beautiful glass watermelon dildo. I recommend them highly.

5 comments:

Debbie Does Nothing said...

I want to give your friend Bea a big hug and a warning. I had a therapist like that many years ago. It was a disaster and still hurts when I think about it. You're absolutely right that everything she said is wrong. Totally unethical. Google - I know there's stuff online that explains what's ethical and not in a therapeutic setting.

Gianna said...

yup, that therapist feels like a scary piece of work...

and Cricket..I want to suggest not having to feel like you need to fit neatly into any category....really no one does....some people just like to force it or from the outside it all looks nice and neat fitting but inside we're all individuals...it doesn't seem like your nature to fit right into a clique mentality...just as it has never been mine...I don't sweat too much most of the time anymore...not to say it doesn't get to me from time to time here and there...

Churlita said...

It sounds like Bea's therapist needs a therapist.

Val said...

Wowsers! Way outta line for Bea's erstwhile "therapist" - I'll admit to many an awkward moment, sitting w/mine in the uncomfortable silence while **I** come up w/the answers - but it's completely unethical for her to be giving Bea INSTRUCTION...

dmarks said...

The therapist sounds evil.