Friday, March 07, 2008

What's that comment got to do with it?

I read a blog about relationships called What's Love Got To Do With It? Modobs interviews people having varied opinions about sex, love, and dynamics, then asks our opinion. It's a nice place to be bitter so I don't save it all for you folks here.

The last couple posts have brought something to light, pieces of the puzzle fitting together.

In My way, she talked about control, to include sexual, and ultimately asks:

So, do you prefer when you have the control of the situation in your relationship? And for the men reading this, do you mind if your partner take charge of everything?

I responded:
I want to be heard and listened to, sometimes taking the lead in a partnership, but not being in charge. I don’t want that much responsibility; I prefer teamwork.

But I do want to be on top, though. heh


All true and very hard to find. Either people want to relinquish control to Mommy (P) or get off on control, like I am beginning to believe about Glenn.

Today's Once I wanted to be the greatest brought up the idea of confidence and when your performance (speech, date...) fails you. She asks, "So, have you ever felt disappointed by a date where you had great expectations but didn’t turn exactly like you were planning?" This triggered another dynamic with Glenn, which I explored:

Just this week, I had a date that I put an end to early. He's a nice man, but I think he's a workaholic and I have concluded he is boring and rarely makes me laugh. He's not good at lively conversation, so he depended on me for it. Several times on our two dates, the conversation would settle and an instant later, not even long enough for things to continue on a natural course, he'd say, "And what else?" I felt like I was on a stage tap dancing, having to pull all the conversational weight and extract his dry comments from him. No wonder I called off the date early. I was tired from all that weight.

I distinctly remember thinking that I was too unfocused and tired to be good company anymore. Of course, I blame myself too often, as he should have been doing more. He wasn't carrying his weight and I was leading everything per his desires, which is in essence controlling me. Conversation wasn't a partnership. I would lead, he would follow, and he would get impatient when I finished leading. I think he wants a wind up doll to entertain him. I can do that some, but I can't keep it up. I want to laugh (besides at my own jokes) and be entertained, too. It should be reciprocal.

In yet another case of extreme analysis, I have come to a conclusion that brings me full circle on my thought processes. I have to know "why," whether it applies to me or another party. So I guess I figured out why he's not clicking with me. I think I must like working on mental puzzles like this.

Last evening, my neighbor with the IVF twins called to see if I could babysit Saturday night. She and her husband have not had a date night since last summer, before he was deployed. I kind of joked that I maybe-sorta have a date, but he's lax on confirming, so bag it. It actually feels good to be doing something productive with my time.

7 comments:

modobs said...

Hey, thanks for the pingback!
Don't blame yourself too much. I have also the same problem.

Melissa said...

Perhaps, conversation is hard for him until he is comfortable. He must like to talk, he is an attorney, right?

Cricket said...

He talks, but it's just so serious. He doesn't joke or try to keep things going in a light fashion.

NoRegrets said...

Listen to your feelings. You know what's right and not right for you. It's sounding like your gut is saying no.

jess said...

i can't buy that sorbet anywhere in utah. boooo...

and good for you for having such incredible insight.

xoxo

evil-e said...

He lacks humor, that is not a good thing. My humor definitely helps me out of bad relationship situations. It is a good asset to have.

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of guys are just CLUELESS -- they have had everything served up to them by moms, first wives, GF's for so long that they have NO IDEA how to carry on a normal conversation...
For instance, I asked P this afternoon if he was alright [affirmative], but as clue for him to respond by asking ME if I was "alright"? -- that conversational ball was DROPPED, honey! & I've been married to the man for almost five & a half yrs!
[P.S. it's me Val]