he thinks I should have paid more. He called coming home from work.
At first I told him to just go home and read his email. I had explained myself there. He belittled me for wanting to be all adult and logical as in the first email I'd sent. I guess that's why he called instead, because he is such a poor written communicator. I also think he phoned on a Tuesday evening to joke, sweet talk, and secure a booty call for Wednesday evening, that he really didn't think we are over. Guess I showed him.
I told him that things had turned off for me and it's beyond the point of no return. I said when he yelled at me in the parking lot a few months ago and accused me of things I didn't do/mean, it turned me off. I'd been trying to get it back since, but couldn't.
When it was clear I wasn't backing down, he said he paid for four or five $50 dinners and I should have offered to pick up the tip each time, so I should have been paying more. He never informed me of this policy and I pointed that out. Largely because we'd used the restaurant certificates I'd purchased, we actually only had two occurrences that went in the $50 range; one was the first time he met me out and I had no clue how he would hold it over my head. I heard about it for some time and that clued me in to the rest; the only other time was baby talk last Wednesday. (I think he must have been counting the $50 dinner in which he took his mother out for Easter and invited me out with thirty minutes notice. Imagine, three adults at Mac.aroni Grill for $42. I had a $11.99 entree and water. Gosh, he's a big spender. I guess I should have covered the tip and essentially sprung for my own diinner.)
I reminded him of one time I covered the pool/lunch tab for $32 in the afternoon and he had the gall to tell me to pay the tip for a bill of the same amount that night. He said I should have talked about it. I didn't want to in the restaurant in front of my son and he said I should have later.
I told him I did not discuss some things because he would get angry; actually I didn't feel like always having to defend myself, because he being focused on being right made him not handle any criticism with grace. I don't like his raised voice. He certainly didn't yell all the time, really only yelled twice, but I didn't like him sounding so loud, overbearing, and Ita.lian so often. I'll admit that I am sensitive to harsh words due to the mother I was allotted. I do not respond well and I try to cultivate other types of communication. I don't think I am alone here.
In his mind, teaching is giving. I said to some it may be. To him, I think teaching is imparting, regardless of whether someone else needs or wants to learn a thing. A good teacher doesn't force or control anything. He said he didn't know that the teaching thing bothered me so much; I stated that I'd only put it together in the last week and realized it was an underlying issue regarding his need to control.
In his overwhelming need to pigeon hole people, he said the only other woman who has told him that he was controlling was also bipolar. (He never extended himself to say he'd experienced bipolar before, but he hypocritically accused me of harboring secrets, like the IF thing below.) He now thinks it is a bipolar defect in being too sensitive and fearful of being controlled. (All of you must be bipolar, too, right?)
I just think he's an asshole. Maybe someone with bipolar has guts enough to stand up to him. He had the nerve to say that he'd thought I was sane, but now he wonders. (That is the suckiest part of being bipolar; people love to throw it at you when it doesn't apply because it is viewed as a vulnerable Achilles heel. Ex used to tell me to go take a pill if I ever challenged him on anything. To be fair, anyone with something like bipolar has cultivated so much strength and resilience that they can endure anything, even prejudice.)
I think his relationship foundation rests on four things: being right, affixing blame, gender differences, and categorizing. His personality and presentation revolve around being It-alian, as in it is something to hang his hat on without guilt because he somehow can't help himself. All this makes for a very patriarchal guy, despite the fact that he considers himself liberal and progressive. I'd love Twistie to get hold of him. He'd flap his jaw and get all ruffled.
When I pointed it out, at first he apologized for the baby thing in the restaurant last week. He said he was sorry I felt that way; I politely countered that those are not the right words, that he should be sorry for what he said, not what I interpreted. Then he tap danced and said he likes babies, so it's my thing, my problem, something I should have dealt with. Struggling at his defense, he said I should have told him about the issue and I replied that it is something I want to get over, that I've done well with it lately not bringing it up, and I didn't want it to be a thing. [See comments for the angle I didn't explore.] He said he would have understood, that I could have said 'baby thing' and he'd have exchanged seats without a fuss. Yeah, right.
Finally I told him that we're just not good together. We're like oil and water. Perhaps we're good together on a salad or something (odd analogy, I know), but we're not good alone. I'll admit we really did have fun; we had a lot of laughs and were often on the same wavelength. I honestly think he thought we were good alone, that his call would straighten things out. Oh yeah, and that it would lead to Booty Wednesday.
Overall, he did try to talk calmly and he did have quite gentle moments, maybe with Booty Wednesday as his incentive. I did raise my voice once because he would not let me be heard. However, it did not end well, him classifying my bipolar disorder obviously being my problem with relationships, combined with my over sensitivity.
I replied the best way I could: "Ted, I'm not the one almost 50 years old and never been married."
He hung up on me.
Prior to that, he had agreed to $80, but he switched what it was to be applied toward. He said he would not pay for the gas for the trip, because it was an awful evening. Apparently he remembered me acting like a carry out delivery boy and figured he would pay. However, I pointed out that the last segment of that awful evening was me driving his lucky ass home when I sincerely wanted to leave him far from home. He was fortunate for the privilege to get to reimburse me.
Some time in there when talking finances, I also reminded him that he has scads of retirement. I have none. I have seen this many times where people squirrel away so much for the future that they do not live in the present. The deal is that he wanted me to help finance his present, but he would not listen to me, saying that he's no better off than I am. He said he is not future-oriented; he is fairness-oriented. Fair to whom exactly?
Jeez, I can't get over this. He thought I was his buddy and would cover the tips, him getting angry about that. How very collegiate. He said that as people go out over time, they divide tabs between them. Odd thing is that we've barely gone out, maybe two months since we were 'just friends' riding together and dividing everything. I barely got the honeymoon where I didn't have to pay.
I told him that most guys would not have allowed me to use my $40 tax return on drinks. He resented that I brought it up. In return, I pointed out that most guys would have insisted that I use the tiny, little bonus on my fixed income and get my nails done, to be good to myself. He could not see his lack of generosity for his fear of giving in to a gold digger.
Someplace in there as well, I talked about him being mad all last week, picking fights a lot, too many skirmishes. (My email said I was tired, I just wanted things over. In essence I said he won, I was admitting defeat.) Sometimes especially in the last week I felt a need to defend myself and I didn't like being put in that position. Apparently, he didn't feel the doom I did from all the strife; guess that comes from being the deliverer instead of the receiver. In fact, he prodded me on Saturday about my 'angst,' kind of making fun of me as if he had nothing to do with it. That's what set off the whole fight.
It irks me that he essentially accuses me of not being generous, because I am generous beyond my means. I am generous when my heart is in it, not when I am being taken advantage of. He had the gall to use the words "on the dole" toward me with the idea that someone paying for dates is somehow providing for a charity case.
I know that in his way he really did like and care for me. He said constructive things like he wished I'd have spoken up sooner about being unhappy and about what was bothering me (I did on some things, was not heard on others), but I could only counter that I felt I'd receive too much flack. Little did he know that we would have been over sooner, too.
I guess the point is that not speaking up about true relationship things is how you treat Mr. Right Now and he was apparently treating me like Ms. Right. Poor guy. Poor girl who falls for that one.
I'll admit I didn't treat him like a real relationship in many ways, although I sincerely tried to get along, care for him and his whims, provide support, etc. However, I told him several times before that I am not completely myself around him, to include time in bed. Most of the time, I didn't initiate sex because it meant giving him a blow job, not me getting penetration or head. I told him once that if I had a choice between fucking and a blow job, I would not choose the blow job. In fact, he questioned that my stated libido didn't match my actual libido, but I said me being horny did not translate to giving him a blow job. I didn't say how I could not grab his head in the midst of sloppy wet kisses and I felt inhibited overall. He has no idea how much that hairpi.ece gets in the way of his life.
(In fact on Friday talking to our mutual friend, Ted spoke of people being so unfriendly around here. The other two of us commented that we find it pretty easy to talk to folks and get to know them. I wanted to point out so badly that this is just one example of how a rug works in general society. People are put off. He just isn't perceptive enough to realize it!)
Okay, I didn't bring up sex (or his mother) at all tonight, but it is a sore subject I must get the rest down here as I complain. He usually got a couple tough case blow jobs a week, would not allow penetration for a couple months, would not allow me on top when he finally did (half mast once momentarily and I'd even begged several times previous to that, so he willfully denied me and knew what I wanted), and did a paltry job going down on me once in the beginning, but I didn't orgasm fast enough for his mouth and missed out. (It all reinforces how I hate when guys are so cued to masturbation that normal relations don't do it for them.)
He complained during sex each time that I was too difficult a case orgasm-wise. Humph. That certainly made it easier for me the next time. I told him that women faking it ruin it for the rest of us, but he of course felt that no women had faked it with him. I also said that if I could ride on top, I'd be easy, but he wouldn't go for it. I suspect he would have felt controlled somehow. The good news, in part, is that I ejaculated all the time from having so much g-spot stimulation. He liked that idea very much, so it became his focus, not mine, but he'd complain it wasn't quick enough for his ADHD attention span.
Finally, it really bugs me when someone accuses you of not communicating when in actuality it is them not listening. One example: I just wanted sex on top and more than a finger job. How tough is that?
PS - I know this is boring, whiny, and tedious, but I have to have the written record for myself. I don't want to do this again. My "To NOT Do" list grows once more.