Still single

This was written in the middle of the night. In my effort to take better care of myself, I am remembering to take my supplements, but in opening all the bottles I forgot to do my sleeping pill. So I really didn't take care of myself. Dufus, I didn't realize that was the problem until 3:30. Not a good night and that was reflected in the writing here...

I always torture myself and email this guy who offers up pictures after the singles parties. I guess I've been running one email a month to him asking for the pictures link for events I didn't attend. I told him last month that I was living surreptitiously through him. It's not far from the truth.

Last night, once again for the torture of it, I asked him for pictures. The holiday party was well attended and everyone hammed it up for the camera.

Luke, the Mexican non-Mexican spy guy I dated a year ago, the one who refuses his heritage and martyred himself for his ex and children, was there with his date. This woman I met at a brunch in June. They weren't dating back then. In conversation, she told me that she'd semi-recently had weight loss surgery and, at age 40+, had never really dated or had boyfriends. New to it all, she said she still has the mentality and self esteem/image problems of a very obese woman. No wonder she's dating Luke! He has the self esteem of a squid, but manipulates like a champ. I'm sure he's doing like he tried with me and others - emailing a hand full of women as he hypocritically tries to get her to sever contacts with all other men in her life so she will focus on him. Weasel. I hope it was only a date and they aren't dating. Then again, maybe she likes child-sized penises.

Of course Ted was there, he of the equally child-sized penis. He must have been drunk, as he was dancing. His mouth was wide open, flapping loudly as usual. The guy who had been his best friend, then they broke up as I witnessed the fight last Spring, well, he was there, too. I do not understand their reconciliation which I hear happened around Halloween, as it seems far fetched. (They even went together to a national singles convention in November.) Ted is still a cheap ass user and the other guy is still a drunk. I guess sometimes one must embrace the truth and keep on living. Not for me.

Hey, but who am I to provide commentary on others' lives? I do love blogging!

As anticipated, the two guys I didn't want to see were at the party, so it was a good choice not to go. Given enough liquoring, I'm not sure I wouldn't have tried to talk shop with Luke's date somehow and that wouldn't have been my place. But it would have been fun to see the panic on Luke's face!

And I think Ted would have tried to talk to me, as his other buddy named Ted was there, too. Buddy Ted had told me a few months ago (remember he took me to dinner several times?) that Ted planned to try to make amends somehow, but he was waiting to do it in person. Considering last time we saw each other over the summer, he snuck a peck, I just didn't want the exposure, explanation, or anxiety.

Men sure have rocked my confidence in the last year and a half. I don't see the good in them; they don't hold potential for me. I bear grudges and can't let go. I guess if my trust had not been so betrayed, I wouldn't have this borderline PTSD about men and I would be stronger in general. That's why when I can grasp a sliver of happiness about being single, I devour it. I need to get better about that and about creating my own happiness, which I really do work hard doing; thank goodness for my son. Even so, I live with this paradox of men both making me happy and making me miserable. No wonder I'm confused. I can't seem to reconcile it.

Also, I'm bemoaning a bunch of Mr. Wrongs, which is just inherently wrong. Maybe I should just focus on how small their penises are?