More blather

So last night, I slept poorly. It was hard to get to sleep and I awoke too early. In between was not restful.

Despite this, I could get up and get J off to school. I am much better at and probably more accustomed to being sleep deprived than drugged. I hope I can find the right size crumble to balance between the two.

I pick up my friend from the airport on Friday. We'll go to lunch, hang out a bit in an older part of the city, walk by the water, then get her checked in the hotel. I'll run home and get J off to his weekend at his step-mother's, then come back out for some nightlife. She realized that one of my favorite comedians is in town (EI - love him!), but it's sold out, so we're looking elsewhere. Man, what a great first date.

I hope nobody here will be put out if I reference time with her. I am not accustomed to tip toeing around relationships and fear the same thing when we're in public, that I won't be jaded enough to care about or really be aware of minor PDA. If anything, I think she'll be more aware. As crass and crazy as she can be, she is also very sensitive with a very big heart. I'll be thinking of a name for her for here. I hope this weekend goes well and that I don't flip too introverted or become too tired. The party Saturday night should rock and it'll be great to meet so many people I know online. Guess I'll be blogging a lot on Sunday!

Tooo.tired

I can't keep up. Today I slept until almost noon. My cold is gone except for that nagging cough sometimes. I can think of two possible reasons for the fatigue.

My sleeping med: I have been taking free samples from a pack from my doctor. Each little pack has a card with various increasing dosage 25-300mg pills. The lower ones were easy to carve up, but the 300 is tough to get into 6 50s. That said, even if I took 100, I was able to tolerate it in the past. It should not translate into needing naps in addition to sleeping in.

My errant period: After being in bcps for over two years, one might expect coming off them to throw a bit of a monkey wrench, however I am now on day 40. My system doesn't know what to do with it.

An unwanted side effect of this has been an appetite. I'd begun being pretty good at quitting when I got full. Now, I'm just like "Fuck that!" because there's food left. This has included eating out, too. And pants getting too tight.

So I guess I'm too tired to function, except I am all elbows a flying when it comes to food.

If you have any insight, it would be welcomed. My new 'friend' comes to town this weekend and I don't want to be a drag.

Cartoon Monday

PS - I HATE the new-ish Blogger Word Verfication requirement and LOATHE the new version, as I cannot make out the thick/skinny, swirly letters.

Restaurant fare

Here's a list of the top ten health conscious chain restaurants. There are some surprises, like Uno's, Macaroni Grill, and Olive Garden, generally high caloric chains with specialty menu items. In fact, they picture and feature the Olive Garden dish I found unsatisfactory due to the heavy, sticky sauce.

A blah kind of place, Bob Evans, scored high in part to grilled chicken and turkey on the kid's menu. Even though there's one close by, I usually would not even consider Bob Evans for a meal.

I know there's a P.F. Chang's around here; will need to try them next time for Asian. I try to stay away from Chinese because of the sodium, but it sounds like P.F. Chang's has some alternatives.

However, our perennial favorite is Ruby Tuesday for a gem not even mentioned : their salad bar. That is an overlooked asset.

Hope you enjoy the article as much as I did.

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Stuffed

This week's word is stuffed. I can only think of food and plush animals. Will try to do better than that.

The greenhouse was stuffed full of butterflies.


The stage was stuffed full of kids playing strings.


I stuffed that MP3 player full of Country for him.


The streets were stuffed full of patriotic bikers.


The branches were stuffed with wisteria blossoms - last year. Just noticed them out for this year.


The wetland is stuffed full of cat tails, which makes the red-winged black birds happy.

Meme #492

Tagged from Modos at What's Love Got to Do with It:


My roommate and I once got drunk on my 21st birthday with some guys from New Zealand at a place called Seamus's and had Drambuie for the first time.

Never in my life have I been to South America and I want to go.

High school was full of alcohol.

When I am nervous I bite my nails.

My hair is light brown.

When I was 5 I saw RED spelled out in red on a little train on the wall in K and suddenly got it about reading.

By this time next year I will have lost at least 20 more pounds.

I have a hard time understanding … apathy

You know I like you if I touch your arm.

My ideal breakfast is grits heaped high with scrambled eggs and bacon.


If you visit my hometown, you'd see lots of railroad tracks or places they've been removed.

If you spend the night at my house, you have to be invited and promise to do some cleaning… It will be necessary.

My favourite blond is Kenneth the Page.


My favourite brunette is Gerard Butler.
The animal I would like to see flying is a turkey to help Les "Oh the humanity!" Nessman prove a point to Mr. Carlson.

I shouldn’t eat cookies.

Last night I was in the chat room and had to leave. For the first time, a baboon carried on about the best looking women in there on cam and only looking at them. It was the first time to feel uninclusive to me.

I’ve been told I look like Debby Boone, way back when I was a teenager babysitting little girls. I think it was the hair.

If I could have any car it would be a jaguar, but this desire dates back 30 years and I'm not sure anymore. Suggestions welcomed.

Now to turn this baby over to some experienced drivers. How about Val and Brite?

Pittens!

Check out this lovely story and video about a dog, Lucy Liu, who is feeding nine kittens, three litters that lost their moms.

I wish I could have a dog. She looks like a good one. Hope the kittens find homes like Lucy.

Trying again

Tried to post this via Yahoo, but it bounced...................

Strangely, I seem to have forgotten my Blogger password. When prompted, it sends the reminder to my Google acct, which I never use and have also forgotten. I have to wait 24h to re-access Google to get that straight. Booger.

I used to post via Yahoo a lot, but it suddenly stopped working long ago. We'll see if it decides to work now.

The cough has continued, but I really haven't felt too bad. I very much appreciate you checking up on me. Call it blog overload. I found something else to do and I did it. That's not to say I didn't think about blogging, but I couldn't find what I wanted to say.

So what have I been doing? Well, I've been going to this chat room, as I mentioned. Some of the people I've met IRL, others not, but they know each other through various national events of our singles organization. Through them, I can get a little face-to-face action, because I do feel so isolated. In fact, I'm going to a party next weekend for which a bunch are flying in. It should be a blast and the human interaction is what I need. I think talking to them in chat will alleviate a lot of the ice breaking for the party. They probably know a lot of what is the real me, so I will probably be opened up more. It probably boils down to acceptance.

The tatted dyke is coming to town, too. She absolutely cracks me up, although she pisses a lot of straight laced people off. We've talked on the phone and she is coming to the party, so we'll see. I've been craving change in general and maybe this is one application thereof. She lives in CA and is a student and caretaker for her grandmother and parents. She is tied, I am tied, so I'm not looking for anything but laughter.

Now to see if this post will send...

PS - now its letting me in - who knows?

The unexpected

Shamming

You know how some people act like they're all busy, but they're really not? This one is for them.

Procrastination

Yeah, um, much like this blog and keeping this 365Blog stuff going, too. Thank goodness for allowed backfill.

Saturday Scavenger Hunt on Thursday: Communication

It's almost time for another, but I must communicate about the Saturday Scavenger Hunt for last week.

We musn't commicate to Dad about J being femininely adorned by his Granny's cousins.

She never shut her yap, my grandma, especially amongst her sisters.

Clapping is a great form of communication.

They earned their Communication badge.

Mmmmm, boy kitty communication.

I have no idea what I'm communicating here, but it looks kinda dirty.

Feelin' Alright (uh huh)

Despite the cold, which is fine except in the mornings, I really have been feeling good lately. A little optimistic, even. As an analytical sort, I'm trying to figure it out, so I can do it again if need be.

I can come up with two potential things. Either the Armour Thyroid, which I began in December, is at the right dosage and kicking in or coming off giving up on the bcps provided a boost. Concerning the latter, I've had no bout of crankiness or self loathing this month. Yay! On the pill I was on for a month, Yaz, things were bad first week, a week before, and day of. You can see why I discontinued. The previous pills I was on for a year gave me a mournful weekend of antisocialness and self loathing, so much that I didn't leave home. I've had nothing at all like that this month going bareback, so to speak.

There is a benefit to the bcps, however. I like knowing the schedule and having it at 28 days. Off them, it will dwindle down to 22-23 days, will begin to gradually start, slowly stop, and generally take over my life.

Hey! As long as I'm feeling good!

More didn't come later

No "more later" yesterday because I have my first cold in quite a while. Heavy chest, cough, sore throat, low fever, big nasty stye. Pretty. I know I'm overdue for it, so I'm taking it in stride. Except I will whine a little.

i've been doing chat lately and it sure is hard switching to adult type

I joined another singles site. (Eeek, I'm not a member of three.) It's cool with cams set up in chat. I don't have a cam so it is pleasantly voyueristic. If I had one, I just know I would pick my nose on camera or something. Audio? Yeah, farts, of course. Reservations aside, I like this site and have many new friends already. And I think it has reinforced my local kinda-friends, too, as they can see a more real me. I've posted pictures, paintings, and blog entries in the form of haikus.

You folks, although you're virtual, you know me pretty damn well. People I see at singles events have no clue about me; I am more than a frumpy, middle-aged mom. My best is not known over something like beer and pool, although the activities can be fun. This website allows pictures and blog-like writing, so it is multi-dimensional. It's kind of a closed MySpace for dating within the realm I date. (Don't ask specifics; you don't want to spoil the mystery!)

Also, there's a tatted dyke on the site who is the most interested. I may finally get my opportunity when she visits here in two months. heh

Take a look as this...

a Biggest Loser before and after comparison.

Wow. Just wow. They look incredible, great make overs, except those for whom a tan was required to seemingly look better.

Norma and I have been walking a lot. I know it's not the level these people did, but it feels good. I got the cruise gain off, need to get off the plateau. These pictures are definitely motivation.

More later.

Heard as a Maybe

And the answer was........................no.

He said she really looked like she wanted to say 'yes,' but it came out 'no.'

He is completely taking it in stride and not giving up. I told him to stay with it, but not be obnoxious. When asked where the bracelet is, he pointed to his pocket and said he wanted to keep it for today, too.

I told him she was probably surprised, as it came out of the blue, and most people react with a 'no' when surprised. He took it as a good sign that she immediately went to her girlfriends to tell them. (Me? I'd have gone the paranoia route, but he seems pretty confident he can read her.)

I coached him a little for next time he's in this position, that it's always good to have some stock phrases ready. He could have followed up the 'no' with, "I would still like to have you be my girlfriend, so if you change your mind, let me know." Another alternative could be to tell her to take some time to decide before getting back to him.

His heart could have been broken, but he still seems to be going strong. I can appreciate his resilience. Let's see what today brings.

Into the great wide open

He was preparing in his mind all weekend for the big question. I had mentioned Saturday that maybe he should consider a small gift. When he asked me about it Sunday, it was like he was trying to create the perfect atmosphere.

My boy has always been the romantic. I fondly remember when he was three and grabbed me to slow dance under the reflecto-balls at Spencer's Gifts. We glistened in prom-like magic right next to the edible panties aisle.

Last evening, he asked again whether he should give a gift and I told him I had something in mind, a shiny silver cuff bracelet from when I was a kid. Amongst all the trinkets, he found a bracelet from a few years ago that he liked better. It's a single strand of elastic with shiny, watery, light teal, clear, irregular beads.

(I'd always thought my glittery stuff would be fun with a daughter. Now I realize there's a great use with my son.)

After that, he prepared his clothes for today. Mind you, he never plans his wardrobe. All is thrown on, often straight from the dryer. He was specific for this. No long sleeves. No collar. I found a Carnival t-shirt that says Cool Daddy O, secretly hoping for the not-so-subliminal message to do its thing, and he liked that.

This morning, he dressed in his black jeans and weathered yellow T, found the bracelet where the cats had carted it off, gave me a big, meaningful hug, and headed into the big world, which he is facing head on and on his own terms.

The apron strings are going sooner than I expected!

Saturday Scavenger Hunt on Sunday: Sharp

There are so many ways to be sharp. Unfortunately, I wasn't so sharp yesterday when I was supposed to do this on the very word I chose. Taxes. Camping. Angela. Distracted.

Thanks for all the kind words, evil-e. I'm choosing laura b. for the word next week. Take it away!

This is my mother and son. My mother is acerbically sharp in personality. My son is sharp in intuition and brain power. His shark's tooth necklace is so sharp, he has to be careful how he wears it.


While we were still in FL, we went to a Japanese steakhouse. It was J's first time and we had such a good time. Talk about sharp, between the sharpness of his knifes and the sharpness of his movements, we were in sharp overload.


Her sharp teeth and claws are to be feared.


He looks kinda sharp, especially if you have a thing for men in uniforms.


This was braces at four weeks last August. Not only does that metal look sharp, his teeth sure looked sharp right away. I think that orthodontist is sharp and just wants us to pay for a couple years. Excuse the little boy brushing habits. Never a cavity, though. However, he has gotten much better.


Ask Steve. These barbs are sharp.


Not sharp. Not intended, but I like it anyway. Kind of perfect for the circus atmosphere.


And lastly, a sharp turn, because one can't post too much model train bling.

Approaching Angela

My baby's growing up.

Yesterday when he came home from school, I went through the usual drill, asking what happened at school, homework, papers returned, regular stuff.

He answered about everything, then looked serious as he sat on the bed and whispered that it was kind of embarrassing. My mind skipped ahead to the teenage gamut of pregnancy and STDs, but I pushed that aside and asked what he needed to talk about. I had the distinct feeling of skating on ice, wanting this to go well.

He said he wants to ask Angela to be his girlfriend. I asked him what it means to have a girlfriend in the 4th grade - playing together on the playground, eating lunch together, what else... He listed a few other classroom things and I asked him what he likes about her. Going all smushy and cushy, he said he thinks she's pretty and likes her smile and her dark hair with blond highlights. (Can't believe the fashion sense on that last part; maybe I shouldn't have him watch makeover shows when he's grounded from the Military Channel.) He also is tuned in enough to know that she's doing flirty things with him that let him know that she likes him.

Another girl liked him a few months ago. She was pretty forward and he picked up on it, but wasn't interested. Now he is. Guess he's discerning.

I asked if he'll get her phone number when he talks to her. He looked kind of surprised and I told him I wish he didn't inherit my way with the phone.

Then he asked if I was happy that he told me. I told him that I was thrilled that he trusts me so much, but I could tell he'd already made up his mind and was just letting me know. And that's just fine, too.

Later, he asked me when he should ask her. I thought about it and replied that lunch would be good, that way the teacher won't be interrupting, but the downside would be lots of classmates around. It is really something you ask in private.

He also mentioned that he told his best buds, the Bangladeshi brothers.

After that, we walked with Norma. Just before going out, he asked if he could tell her. Of course. I believe he's shouting it from the roof tops! When he told her, she said he should write her a note, something she could put to her heart and cherish. I saw his face drop, so I told her she was making it too complicated. He piped up, yeah, too conklicated. I laughed and suggested a thank you note afterward.

He's really mulling this over and I can tell he's really excited about the prospect. With this shy creature of mine, I'd wondered if he would ever approach a girl or even accept the approaches of a girl taking the lead. This bodes well. I may have grandchildren one day!

Please be gentle, Angela!

Procrastinating and being weighty about it

Today, I must do taxes.

Then I'll do some taxes.

Then some more taxes.

Then I'll think about actually doing some taxes.

I am at a complete loss. My Tax Man, my People, as they say now, is in Iraq. Nothing like having your ex-husband doing your taxes each year, but he seems to enjoy it. Mine are supposedly incredibly simple.

Anxiety dreams have clouded my wakening the last two mornings. I have no idea what Pheeb, the best friend of my HS boyfriend, has to do with my taxes or why he had a circus with trapeze artists in his backyard, but I'll just chalk it up to anxiety. In retrospect, I also have no idea why he asked me to that fraternity house party weekend around 1983, refused to buy us food, didn't make me feel comfortable, had a rather distant quickie, then did some sort of psychedelics with his college best buddy and ended up on the roof of the hotel, after which all his fraternity brothers apologized profusely to me. Maybe it's why he was embarrassed to see me at the 20th class reunion.

Life and taxes are mysteries to me.


~~

We're slotted to camp with Scouts this weekend and I bought schloodles of food and supplies last evening, only to come home to the pre-cancellation email. I knew rain was in the forecast, but didn't realize about the thunderstorms. Guess we'll be having a bunch of chicken kabobs around here. And cinnamon buns. Okay, I had one when I realized the camping would be canceled.


~~

Speaking of such, I'm still a pound above my pre-cruise weight, but at present it might by PMS-y bloated. Although I ate a burger (salad, no fries) when I took J out on Monday, I have been relatively good. Oh, yeah. Except for the cinnamon bun.

Norma and I have done pretty well walking. She's lost 45lbs in 18 months through exercise and diet. I see her as a size 10 or 12 now, but she still has size 14-16 eyes. And wears size 2X clothes because she doesn't want to buy new. She's Mormon, so that explains some, but she fears being attractive, too. We both dislike the hypocrisy that comes with people suddenly being attracted, because we've lost weight. We both focus on the person inside, whether it is someone we date or ourselves.

I have lots of fears about losing weight. For example, my infertile self kinda likes feeling and looking a little pregnant. There's some comfort to that, something I cannot achieve in a different fashion. Weight also tends to keep people at a distance and, with my love-hate relationship with people, sometimes that's a good thing. Also, last time I weighed 115, I was big headed about it, could not handle the attention. These sorts of things combined to make me want the weight in a protective fashion. What about you? Why do you want or not want the weight? I'm not talking supposed health benefits, either. What is really going on as we hang on to the pounds?

ETA: Sorry about the comments. Changed my post and they got deleted. Was enjoying the discussion.

Doing it my way

Here are a few more. Behind the ears is good.

I also like styling it myself, as in mousse and scrunch without blowdrying, so little styling actually to take advantage of my bit of natural curl.

J really liked it when he got home from school. I was expecting some shock, but he just smiled a big grin. And that goes a long way.



After seeing these images, I think the shortness ages me. I'm not hiding behind anything, so I better be wearing some make up daily instead!

Besides mousse, I bought some paste, a new concept to me entirely. I knew products were why hair is better now that twenty years ago. Now to unlock the mysteries.

What I wanted

Today was haircutting day.

I'll miss my hair, but I hope they'll be put to good use.

To get the length of donation needed (apparantly I measured wrong the other day), my hair is cut much shorter than I wanted. It was my choice - I could wait a month and let it grow or just let it grow on my head after cut. I chose the latter as I am a CUT MY HAIR RIGHT THIS INSTANT type when the mood strikes.

I'll take pictures later, but I think it most resembles this cut except it's shorter all over, as in verging on a pixie. And fluffier, as in mushroom-like, as in convex instead of concave. I am trying hard not to hate it. Or be angry at myself for going ahead when I knew the outcome would be shorter than anticipated.

Deep breath. Give it time.

I'm going to shower it out and start over. Hopefully that won't make it shrink more.

Gosh, change is hard, even altrustic, necessary change.

Honestly, would you expect anything different from me?

ETA:

Ron and Jack

I haven't talked about these topics in quite a while, mostly because they didn't exist to me. I did edit out most of the good stuff.

In my quest to just fucking lighten up, I wound up cutting loose Saturday night. There was a planned singles event in a bar. Apprehensive of going every place alone, I delayed and didn't arrive until almost 10. Unsure of myself as I haven't seen these folks in over three months in my near agoraphobic haze, I kinda wanted to blend in quietly. As a matter of fact, I brought darts and went to play on my own a little as I worked on my first drink.

When I joined the group again, I saw a number of people I knew. Gave various ones hugs; it was nice. The one I saw, who avoided me, was Toupee Ted from last year. I would have been cordial, but avoidance worked just fine for me, too. I'm due an apology from him, but I doubt his pride could get him that far.

By default, I settled in talking to one guy, just one of the many guys in this group for whom I have no interest dating, when a female I knew came up to chat. She asked if I've been dating and I told her I communicated/dated a guy for about a month over the winter, but I discovered he didn't have a sense of humor, so I broke it off. She piped up that there's a relatively new guy who has a kinda corny sense of humor, along with another guy who was relatively new that night, so she took me to meet them.

I really liked the corny humor guy, mostly because corny was the wrong word; I found myself touching his arm a lot, a subconscious indicator of interest rarely employed. He's 44 and pretty new to this dating situation. He reminded me of handsome Ron Livingston in Office Space; same height, too. I guess I could call him Ron. He likes quotes from movies and, although I love movies, I am horrible at even remembering the plots, much less what anyone said. But I am a sucker for any guy who cracks me up. (Between that and exceedingly good sex, I was engaged much longer than I should have been. Hooks, I tell ya.) And, although I am not one for the idea of feeling chemistry or strong attraction (I'm more for the idea that it'll happen if it happens over time), I now understand the process a little more.

He, however, isn't the ultra extrovert despite his talk; I think it is a coping mechanism, like with most comics. He came in to this his nearly first event and sat on the other side of the bar from the party, imbibing liquid courage. Amazed, I told him about playing darts on my own to acclimate and do the same.

The other guy was quite sweet, retired military with two teenaged kids. He is a youthful looking 45 like me and also having over 20 years with this dating situation, which I will email about privately with anyone I know who doesn't understand my appropriately evasive lingo.

Ron called him Steve for Steve Carell all evening. This sweet guy with the blond hair (carefully parted and combed in a longish military style) and demeanor of Jack McBray, aka Kenneth the Page, looked like Steve Carell without the nose. Such wonderful eyes and a beautiful smile and teeth. And he's moral and upright without being religious, all those things I value. I guess he's going to be Jack here.

We three hung out a good bit, went to an after party thrown by one of the hosts from the party. I drove over and stopped for a six of Sam Adams on the way, saying to myself that I didn't need to buy so much, but maybe I could share. Well, when I later realized I was sleeping over on one of the many air mattresses, I wound up drinking all six myself. I can hold it, but that was overkill.

I felt myself drawn to the funny guy all evening, but the other guy was always around, too, and pleasant to talk to. We made a good threesome. Eventually, Ron, the funny guy, decided to go home and, despite the the milieu around us, that seemingly left alone me and the other guy, Jack, who I thought was friendly toward me, but not necessarily interested. Looking back, he was often around, just not forceful or obnoxious about it.

Finally at close to 4am, he and I went to the room of air mattresses. There was a drunk woman on one and a drunk guy on the other. Without asking me if he should, he slid the drunk woman to the other side of the bed, which put me between the two men, Jack and I each on the edge of our touching mattress.

Because I don't really know how to pick up men and am not much for flirting, I am really tough to get into such situations and have a hard time reading things. I'm impossible at even a first kiss. I generally tap dance out of them, but once I am warmed up and the ice is cracked, I am warm and remain that way for the future. I had full intentions of merely sleeping, as I'm a mom and don't pick up guys, but I just wanted to touch him as I drifted off. The liquid courage helped and I don't regret it as it led to more. Eventually, we went out to his car for noise control. [Lots of edits here.]

Considering that I haven't gotten laid since a year ago with Ted, I am ridiculously far from slutty. If anything, I wish I could be more slutty and actually heed my strong libido. I crave the contact, but am too chicken to pursue things. Jack's quite buff (would have love to actually have seen him, but feeling him was very nice) that the contrast in our levels of buffness was obvious and bothered me a bit in an 'out of your league' kind of way. I'm paranoid like that. But, hey, take it while you can!

Along with almost a dozen others, we hung out for breakfast in the morning. We both left just before noon. This is a serious group of huggers and he hugged me last and longest, whispering to ask if he could contact me via the website. I told him my screen name and that was it. Later Sunday, I posted on the board thanking the hosts, just to make it easier for either of them to find me, although looking back I see Ron as an elusive bundle of insecurities.

I liked Jack's company and, for once, could see him as a friend - or more - somebody I could enjoy his company with comfort. I'm not in any hurry and am not chomping at the bit about it. If it happens, fine. No pressure. No obsessing. Just warm fuzzies.

It's nice to be in this spot.