Whirlwind

As I mentioned yesterday, the shit hit the fan with Lyd. Last Friday evening in Yahoo IM with cam, she essentially asked if I would settle my fluttering butterfly ass down and I replied that I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. So I guess that made us exclusive, although we're not being hasty and changing our ads or anything. We'll see each other again in a month and we talk/cam/IM/email many times each day.

So this sounds good, right? How could it go wrong?

Remember Lyd is in CA, so stuff goes on after I go to sleep. That evening, she'd had at least three beers and Lyd's a light weight. Then we'd cultivated some good news, news she wanted to share.

IRL, I have told three people about us: my therapist (who really doesn't count), walking Norma, and best bud Richard. Lyd has friends around her who know, but she also turned online to our shared circle to seek support and share. So far, she'd told the birthday girl from two weeks ago (and she in turn told her boyfriend, and so on, and so on?), as well as a guest at that party who feared I was hitting on her catch that evening. Lyd has also told at least one more person online, someone she's known for many years. I see all of these people in chat. I'll admit that these are merely the people I know of.

Friday night, she told someone else. This woman is someone Lyd barely knows through chat and she told Lyd she was dating someone, but wouldn't say whom. Lyd countered with the same and, in a "you tell me and I'll tell you" moment, Lyd told her, too, which of course by default means she told her boyfriend, someone else I barely know through chat.

Lyd casually told me about this Saturday morning, just brimming with the gossip of the others' dating, and I screamed that she could shut her fucking mouth and that she had betrayed me. I have told nobody within our shared circle and she's been a blabbing machine. It is not her right to drag me out of the closet. And regardless of the sexual orientation stuff, I am an intensely private person; I don't want people knowing my business.

I also told her that she sold me out for some gossip, something rather inconsequential to know, and that she's showed me no loyalty. She put gossip above me. Further, as she'd chatted about it with me Saturday morning, she had no idea she'd even done anything wrong.

I tried to dig at the cause, whether she was drunk, exuberant, impulsive, what. She said that all applied. She knew she betrayed my trust. She was mournful.

After doing some Saturday things out and about, I was driving home. As luck would have it, Annie Lennox sang The Clash:

Did you stand by me,
No, not at all.
Did you stand by me,
No way.

and I began to cry, so I went to Norma's, the bastion of all things rules-related. I told her that I'd lost something, but I didn't know if I'd lost it. Norma especially hooked on my idea that I did not know if I could trust Lyd in the future.

So, without deciding anything, I came home and called Lyd. I told her the lost something/lost it part and it sent her reeling, as perhaps she didn't understand how serious I was. I had to define it as us for her. She said she wanted to get off the phone, but I wouldn't let her. She was incredibly moved, so upset. I was completely calm, but she absolutely understood my displeasure. I later told her that I was showing her how I fight, with calm logic, and how I expect that in return.

This week has been difficult with the lack of sleep and bloodwork stuff. My therapist yesterday exclaimed how happy I'd been for two months, how it radiated from my face, how it couldn't have been hypomania, as that makes me grumpy. These things are complications to my emotional life and, almost a week later, I still do not know if I've just lost something or if I've lost it. I will say that it is more forced on my part to communicate so much. I've been busy enough to have been able to avoid effectively without being obvious.

Mostly, I fear if she fucks up in the future, she won't tell me and I just won't know about it.