Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Email hostage

Although her paranoia certainly predated the more severe version of the recent past, I finally found out the real cause this weekend, beyond her paranoia related to having a lifetime of female scoundrels in her presence, people who lie and cheat with abandon, people who have AIDS and do not inform partners, people who routinely engage in illegal activities that Bea seems to condone, with Bea also doing some illegal crap in there to boot.

So, when she read my email folders at least a year ago as I stupidly left the computer on (hmmm, I should review the blog for the dates), there was more in them than I recalled. After I'd learned she read anything from Richard or Lyd, I deleted everything, so I had no concept of what she read.

That's where she and I differ. I learned this weekend that she has them ... and I don't. During her foray, she forwarded all the emails to herself. She claims to have *only* read them five or six times, but she seems to have them committed to memory.

I have readily admitted to my transgressions here and I honestly admit that all were not transgressions to me. However, I have been nothing but faithful to Bea, although I do understand how one could be driven to cheat now.

So she's read and re-read my emails, has gone through my computer's pictures, has routinely gone through my phone, and a vertical folder of old and personal cards, etc, but somehow I am the bigger scoundrel in this b/c I had a life before her. I keep reminding her to wait another 20 years and see what kind of stuff she winds up doing after broken marriages, engagements, plus dashed dreams of additional children and my own picket fence. Yeah, one tends to react to life when one fights with all of one's might not to just hide under a rock. My life didn't go the way I wanted, so I carved out another life. I have succeeded on my own.

Life. That's my concern. She has Richard's email address, so she has both his name and his recognizable work location. How much of his life is she willing to wreck over two incidents that do not affect her in the least? Over a person I have not spoke to in over a year and a half?

My therapist asked why I would be willing to go through couple's therapy with her. I replied that some ego is involved. I'm not a bad person. I am not how she paints me. My therapist and Bea as well wonder who she knows b/c it obviously isn't me. Well, I deserve some validation about that. I'm not the bad guy here and I don't deserve to be treated as such.

When I asked her to delete the emails, she said she only would after we take them to therapy. She wants a firing squad and I have no idea if she has or has not sent them on to other email accounts just to dodge her promise to delete them.

Things aren't good, but my back is against the wall here. I have to find a couple's therapist.


Orodemniades said...

Oh Cricket, that's just terrible. No matter how you look at it, keeping email and holding it over someone's head is just a shitty thing to do. I don't know if this is something you want to consider, but perhaps emailing the people whose email she has would be appropriate under the circumstances, just so they're not taken unaware if she should do something (even more) stupid?

Julianna said...

What the fuckidy fuck???!!!!!!!!
I swear that I just cannot keep my mouth shut. Cricket, can you just read your last 10 or so entries and pretend you are reading someone else and give them advise? Can you distance yourself that way? You are in a fucking downward spiral and it keeps getting worse because SHE is your cyclone. YOU did NOTHING wrong! OMG! I hope that you know that I sincerely care about you and I have absolutely no ulterior motive. She is a sick puppy but you are not the animal shelter. You have so much to live for and this woman is sucking the ever living life out of you. Love yourself more. Who cares what she thinks? You will NEVER prove yourself to someone like her, she is not capable of seeing the real you, the wonderful you, the light and lovable you. She is poison and she is suffocating you. This is just crazy. And if I read the next entry about you nonchalantly mentioning her in some post as if everything is fine now, I am seriously going to scream. She is a master manipulator. I really want you to be happy. I am just sickened by how she has completely bamboozled you.

Melissa said...

Wake up Cricket!
She is bad news.
Dragging you to the bottom of the barrel.
MAJOR trust issues you can not fix and MAJOR snooping.
Time to move on while you can girl
We can see it from your entries.

Julianna said...

We love you, Cricket.

Anonymous said...

Your concerns are lovely and I am doing well. I don't get upset internally/emotionally when she flies off. I am too incredulous to be angry, although I will yell back in my own self defense.

This too shall pass, you can be sure. I love you all, too.

Kellie said...

So without sounding like a complete idiot here - but what do you get out of this relationship? What is the reason you stay? I don't really get it. She doesn't trust you - for real or made up reasons, whatever. She doesn't share unconditionally with you. You're not into the sex. She's loud and brash and from what I can tell - pretty fucking crude (unlike me, lol) so what is it? Why do you even want to try? I don't get it.

I'm not without sympathy because I've certainly been in my fair share of "oh my god woman, what the fuck are you thinking" relationships - but you can do SO much better. Is the problem just that YOU don't see that?

Kellie said...

And by the way - is the Julianna that always comments the same Julianna that used to blog, cause I love her. lol

And if it's not - still, she took the words right out of my mouth.

word verification: cowdipn WTF? Is that kinda like cow tipping only requiring a foot stool?

Cricket said...

I complain her, I do, but we laugh a lot. She gets me and I get her, although I certainly point out the exceptions here. I tend to accept unconditionally and I understand, but putting up with is harder and harder.

I looked up in this blog about her reading emails. I first mentioned it about 1.5 years ago, so she did it early on. What I don't understand is why SHE stayed.

I wrote more under the following post, too. It's all a process. Nobody wants her in my life, excpet some portion of me. I don't paint a pretty picture of her and that's my fault to some degree. She does deserve some credit even as she does shitty things.

Kellie said...

Well I can understand that to a degree - I certainly do my fair share of complaining about my husband ... and neither of us is going anywhere. Still, it's hard because you hate to see anyone spending so much time and effort on a situation that from the outward - doesn't appear to be a very good one. Life is too short - blah, blah, blah.

Trust is one of those things that you either have or you don't. I don't think it can be earned or learned. It's there or it's not. I've been thinking a lot about that lately because my husband is most likely going to be accepting a dream position with a company that will be requiring heavy travel. Like 2 weeks out of the month. Everyone says the same thing - oh my god, how can you handle that? Well, the truth is - I want him to be happy and I can totally see him doing this job and loving it. He won't cheat on me - it's not within him. That was NEVER a consideration... it's just not our relationship. Call me naive - but I just don't worry. With my ex - he chased anything and everything, and I always knew that so I was jealous ALL the time. Well, we lasted 7 minute because I never got passed that. It's either there or it's not.

I hope you can prove me wrong though - I'd love for you to have a happy ending, in more ways that one! LOL

Anonymous said...

With her, she trusts no one, doesn't matter who. She was trained to not trust by her mother, sisters, previous partners, etc. It is the norm for her. Me? I trust without much thought until proven wrong, then I am pretty devastated, but I save the devastation for when I need it, so to speak, i.e. after the revelation.

Thing is she's only been dating just over a dozen or so years. (Her first was her married teacher for something like five years. She was only 16 and that's just weird to me.) I've been dating almost 35 years. That lends me A LOT of perspective and distance that she does not have.

My HS boyfriend cheated, but that was long ago and is quite dilute in the grand scheme. Ex cheated emotionally, if not physically, and only consummated it three months after I moved out. P cheated for six months and it devastated me more than any other, but then he actively sought to deceive me with flowers, cards, notes, etc by strangely bringing that all gooey stuff up a notch, yet reinforcing my "to not fall for the gooey stuff" norm, as it has always felt insincere.

Then he married her only three months later. He was ready to be married, to change scenery, and I was not. Now they've been married over three? four? years (I've lost count) and I am blown away at the prospect of him remaining with a single person for so long without getting sick of her.

Regardless, I do not look for someone to cheat. It is not my take on relationships. I tend to choose people who are monogamous anyway.

K, you are so lucky in your relationship in general. You joke and put up with and just plain love.

I guess the point is that I long ago gave up on that or the love Julianna has with M. I didn't have it with ex or P. I mostly put up with, probably b/c I expect too much, then am left to my own devices anyway. I made the decision to change teams and it is no better, probably worse. I have no idea how men can navigate these waters.

Further, I like being alone. Ex traveled something like four of the first five years we were married, then went to Korea for two years, then worked 60h/wk, then went to Germany for 9m, then took a job traveling 4m at a time. I was always alone and for the last few years I was a married single parent. He complained that he'd return to a well oiled machine, but how else could I let it be?

P and I lived 30min apart, but just saw each other 3x every 2w. For 1.5y, Bea lived several hours away. Now that she lives about 30min away, she thinks we're supposed to see each other all the time. I just don't need anyone that way. How could I do that when I felt like my minutes on the computer were being counted?

In some ways, Bea and I do have an easy relationship. Good hang out time is priceless, even if my ADHD mind is thinking of a thousand other things I should be doing. In many ways, I will never earn her trust, but I consider that her fault b/c she never really gave me the chance by allowing herself to trust ME with HER.

Anonymous said...

Part 2 - never maxed out a comment box before

This weekend was great. We celebrated J's Xmas and he was very happy with his loot. I had suggested she get him a nicer TV for his room, even as I hate the games. I figured it was within her capacity to do it, so it made sense. It is on order, b/c it took a while to sink in with her, but she came around. I got him the games he wanted. She got him some football team stuff. I got him a model of the Mustang from Bullitt, which had a little pic of Steve McQ, who his dad strongly resembles.

We all enjoyed Pictionary Man, although getting clues into Bea was nearly impossible. How on earth could I get her to guess Shakespeare or Richard Nixon? J guessed Shakespeare and I was very proud. My Marie Antoinette had big, poofy hair and skirt with a dotted line across her neck with a cake missing a slice off to the side. I thought it brilliant. Wrong crowd, although I certainly am training my son right.

And so I wonder if I could ever attract anyone from the right crowd, that being the absolute bottom line of my dating story. Seriously, if I had millions and all the time in the world, I would have every Ph.D. in the book. As it is, she refused to help me out to get a Master of an Art Topic b/c it would require me to have two months away a year apart! (I figure now that it was more a cheating fear thing.)

In my life, I almost exclusively meet married, settled artists who are retired or paint in their spare time. I do not meet the passionate, free spirited, educated, genteel version. Bea has most certainly cast me in the lowly crowd, b/c she obviously doesn't know what she doesn't know. Not long ago, she told me I wasn't "all that" and she was meaning upper crust-ish white. While I certainly was not born with a silver spoon and I can cuss with the best of them, I am definitely someplace in between, with a lot of education, work experience, life experience, ambition, success, and a certain measure of status in my chosen professions. While I try to raise her up, she tries to pull me down - on bad days. On other days, we do things well together. (I do admit to dumbing down my vocabulary, as she thinks me pompous sometimes in the old, stupid, white movie caricature way). Just as she could think me pompous for drawing Marie Antoinette the way I did. Perhaps all education beyond Nancy Grace and SVU stuff is pompous?

Enough rambling. Have a great holiday.

Val said...

I guess it all boils down to that good ol' Dear Abby q: Are you better off WITH or WITHOUT him or her?

Follow your instincts, but I DO SINCERELY HATE to see you mistreated.

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