Thursday, July 31, 2008

Showing J a good time for my own benefit

Yippee! Procrastinating didn't sink my boat! Literally!

J starts camp in the mountains on Monday. I didn't want to drive all the hours there and back in one lump, so I thought of things to break up the trip coming and going.

I mostly thought of whitewater rafting - or at least the wussy version my chicken-hearted son might like - and camping.

We begin travel on Saturday and go out rafting on Sunday. The package includes camping and some meals, too, so we are set.

And it's my birthday weekend. I get to do something I've always wanted to do.

Now to decide if I want the freedom and fun of a duckie (a one or two person kayak) or the confines of the large raft, for which I'd have to paddle less. Ah, to have such dilemmas!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dress for success

I took so many pictures at the American Indian Museum. There was an exhibit focusing on clothing called "Identity by Design" which was quite impressive. These dresses were works of art, the beading exquisite, special apparel not to be worn each day. The quilter in me found it neat to see the patterns for how the hides are used, too. And it certainly reflects my Women's Studies emphasis on the Western Woman, as I envy their strength and endurance.

I fear our society lacks in that we don't have things to believe in, as in the last quote.

If I were to choose a dress, it'd be this simple one:

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Not overwhelmed

Okay, I've been busy and unable to blog, but I have thought many times what I'd like to post. Ideas aren't evading me. Then I wrongly stop myself, because I have a lot of days to make up and sometimes I am too tidy in my approach, wanting to do things in order. Today, instead, I'm going to concentrate on this single day and this beautiful concept I read about in the American Indian Museum several weeks ago. Enlarge the second picture to explain the first.

Since I saw this wound ball of twine, I have wondered over and over what things from my life would deserve a bead. As over reactive as I tend to be, my ball would be ridiculously large and colorful, which may not actually be a bad thing.

What would your ball of twine be like?
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Friday, July 25, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Local

I chose this word to see about people's take on where they live and what they routinely see or enjoy locally.

Except for the first, all relate to stuff close to home. The first relates to me and my fight with a subway escalator about eight years ago. Except for oral surgery and childbirth, it was my first need for stitches. Local anesthetic bites big time. And, after those six stitches, a cracked kneecap, and the pointy teeth of that escalator stair, the atheist now has a permanent clove cross on her knee.
I really like having this picture, though. It makes it look much smaller than it feels in my brain.

This is a new attraction at the local pool. We went there this week.

Here's a taste of local nightlife. J's strings camp ended Thursday and the concert was that night.

Meet the local beaver, or at least its dam.

We very much enjoy local history.

Visiting here is a great opportunity to support the local gardening society and it reaps us such benefits, too.

PS - Posted on Friday, as I'll be gone this weekend, but I'll correct its date when I get back. Damn that Blogger scheduling feature never working.

PPS - I throw it to Churlita for next week. Just to make her post a Saturday Hunt. muahahaha

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Cheap post: Good videos

Here are a couple great videos:

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Refreshed

Today's word is refreshed and I don't even use it!

Just the sound of a waterfall can refresh.

This little fish was quite happy for its refreshing return to the creek.

The breeze from a good flogging is actually quite refreshing.
Shade from a pretty flowered umbrella serves a most refreshing purpose.

Friday, July 18, 2008

When you date, how much contact do you want?

Or even when you're married?

I remember thinking that P's three phone calls per day were a bit much, but I never said anything. I also remember that seeing him 5-7 nights out of 14, in accordance to my visitation schedule, seemed like a good amount.

I don't really want to see anyone a whole bunch, nor do I want that level of contact. I can be such an introvert.

So far, with these two women, I am seeing a difference in communications sought vs. the usual men. In a way, I prefer the relative infrequency of most men.

Lyd used to contact me through IMs on three sites, email on another site, emails to three of my addresses, cards/gifts to my home address, texts, and phone calls to two numbers, plus she has three blogs. It was kinda like where ever I was, there she was.

Lizzie is wearing out my email address. We've emailed through a dating site and another email address. I have her home and work email addresses. She easily sends me 15 emails a day.

Perhaps it was a mistake, but I told Lizzie that I changed visitation this weekend so I could go to a big party Saturday night. It'll be similar to the parties Lyd attended, one with me and one without. To her credit, Lizzie didn't ask to go to the party with me, but she has asked via email a couple different ways to see me after. Because I'm planning on bringing a blow up mattress to crash, seeing her is not on my agenda. I haven't spoken to her directly to tell her.

I think Lizzie is a bit clingy and desperate. On our second date, she introduced me to her neighbor as her girlfriend. Whoa. Although I could justify it as kind of a convenience label, I don't know how much emotion is behind it. I need to ask sooner rather than later.

Wednesday night, driving there took two hours, because the traffic was quite bad. Then I left just after 3am and it took just over an hour. On a night like that in which I need to assuredly be home by 7am, it is impossible to take anything to sleep, the med being the only way I can sleep over an hour. After all the driving to Lizzie's, plus driving twice to strings camp, I was a mess all day, even sleeping through phone calls Thursday night.

I don't think I have it in me for mid-week visitation at Lizzie's. Odd as hell, I know, I don't like people to come here, so that means I'd only see Lizzie every other weekend, which doesn't sound half bad to me, except she's trying to squeeze in nookie at every possible opportunity. I feel a bit rushed and pressured. I need to tell sooner than later.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Have birthday, must post

First, here's a little tribute for a newly 37yo amazingly well-rounded metal head observer of life, Evil-E.

Second, DD welcomed a daughter into the world by planned c-section yesterday. They traversed quite an obstacle course to arrive at this bundle of joy and I can only say that I am jealous as hell thrilled for their addition.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Pissy and poopy

[Blogger doesn't seem to be cooperating. There should be 10 pictures below, but I can't see them, nor can I arrange them. Hit the send button, Crick!]

Yesterday, J and I went to a manor house not far away in our quest to absorb all of our state's history this summer.

Bedcoverings, desks where famous thing were written, and garish wallpaper were just too boring. This time, I found a theme for the day as dictated by other furnishings and landscaping.

Here are some lovely, scenic even, antique chamber pots as well as some cat pee-smelling 250yo boxwoods.

Just because.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Take 2

This is my third post for today. Go read the others for a new chapter.

Today was odd. It began last evening with Norma saying her son would rather go to work with her in the afternoons than come home with us.

Yesterday was awkward. J was Mr. Obnoxious in the car coming back at lunch. I turned up the radio loud to tune him out. Then we went to the PO and I took us out for pizza. Then her son went home, maybe 3pm.

She called last night for the first time since the 2 minutes/she left him snafu from last Thursday. She wanted to walk. I told that J had had a hard day and we would be watching the end of a movie instead. She included the bit about her son wanting to spend the afternoons at her work; she figured it was to watch the Disney Channel. She said maybe she'd write a note about her son and what he'd be doing today at lunch and give it to J for me at pick up time.

This morning, J went down there to ride like usual. When I picked him up at lunch, Norma's son was already gone. I asked and he said that Norma told him that her son would not be riding home with us any more. Her son doesn't want to.

Hmm, seems like it would have been appropriate to beg off to J for the day, then for her to offer additional insight to me. That was a strange thing to heap on a 10yo.

I don't know if her son is upset at J for being obnoxious in the car yesterday. Or is he mad at me for wanting to take the last slice of pizza home - 8 slices: 2 me, 2 J, 3 him, 1 left over, me paying, my extra slice.

Not to mess with his delicate preteen sensitivities, but I have no fucking idea what is going on, except to say it probably isn't appropriate to send J to camp in the mornings with Norma and her son, so I have now fallen into an additional 2 hour rush hour drive, combined with the 1 hour I was already putting in at lunch.

Honestly, I do not care to find out about them. Too much trouble.

Monday, July 14, 2008

STD testing

Oh, some of my readers will understand the irony.

She wants a page of cleanness via STD testing.

Funny, too, because we've already slept together.

Of course I already have plenty to say on the subject and have been very open, but that isn't enough. She wants a page of reports.

So, those of you who are single - have you had to provide a report before? If so, has it been after you've already been together?

Apparently, her ex's take on it was to not play along and Lizzie took that to mean she has something to hide. I think with my confessions to her, it is pretty damn evident that I have fessed up and fessed up good. I don't have anything to hide, but I don't like being told I need to run off to the doctor. My OB doesn't take insurance, so an office visit would cost $100? 200?

Anyway, I understand, then I don't understand.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Another week without a Show n Tell

Today, I will just tell.

I've been emailing a woman from a website for maybe two weeks. We've IMed as well. She is a feminine lesbian who lives about an hour from me. She likes feminine lesbians.

Yesterday, she'd mentioned that she had gone out on Friday, but her friends were late and she was a bit disappointed. I emailed back to ask what she was doing Saturday night and she bit. I was meeting singles friends near where she lives to see a live band and I thought the two things might mix.

We met and hit it off. I like her throaty laugh. She likes that we have similar senses of humor. I liked that she actually enjoyed my music.

After midnight, we went back to her place and watched a Mel Brooks movie with her roommate. I intended to try to sleep, but it evolved into more, many times even. Then we went for breakfast.

She figured I wouldn't be so good. There is a real hierarchy between lesbians and bi-sexuals or bi-curious, which essentially boils down to experience level, with perhaps a dash of gender loyalty thrown in. Turns out, apparently I am a very, very talented lover in lesbian terms. Go figure.

So she's calling and writing all the time, much more that I'm ready for. I hope I can tone it down a bit and enjoy the ride.

Lesbians with the damn moving truck...I need to take it much more slowly. Heck, she's already tried to book my Labor Day! Can we work on Wednesday first?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Bottle

An appropriate visual: imagine one of those bottles exploding and spewing caustic chemicals everywhere. I cannot keep it bottled up any longer.

I have a beautiful set of pinkish pearls with a matching bracelet and earrings. I got them close to 20 years ago. They were a surprise, something we could not afford, but ex never asked me about spending money. He is a retail therapy boy.

I hate being caught between a rock an a hard place about a gift. MMMM, yummy gift. Thwack, impractical gift. Fuck, ethical self wants to give it back. (With P, I did leave him a diamond necklace I didn't like; it was a very cheap version of a glitzy one on TV and all it proved to me was that he was a couch potato, uncreative and subject to advertising propaganda.)

The pearls began a pattern with ex. I would be livid at ex about something. He's not so good at saying he's sorry or admitting he's wrong, but he'll buy an expensive gift and I am supposed to forget it all. Sorry, I need the words.

Funny thing is, I don't forget it at all. Instead, I suddenly have a physical reminder of being quite pissed off and him not being emotionally capable to handle apologies or work problems out verbally like an adult. It's easier to throw money, even money you don't have, at a problem.

So guess what today's email brought. Door #3! A brand spanking new 32" TV for my birthday. I know some people would take it and run, but I would never be able to look at it without remembering the nasty things he said to me. I know others would say that I should be gracious about him apparently saying he's sorry.

I guess this is a bribe to not respond. It's not going to work.

I would love if I could put a twist on it in my brain and think of the TV as reward for giving his shit back on a platter. But I am not wired that way.

PS - I rarely even watch TV. It is a gift for his son.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Speaking up, or not

When J left with his step mother this evening, I had to tell her that J should be coming back at 5 on Sundays instead of Monday mornings. I told her that ex had written me some very inappropriate, critical, and dismissive stuff, plus he'd blown off concerns about J.

She said what anyone would say - the written word can be flat and misunderstood, that I should respond, "I heard this. Is this what you meant?" To her response, I could immediately quote the end of his message, which said he knew I would be mad, but that wasn't his intention. I told her that nobody can send a message like that and truly expect sugarcoating at the end to make it all better.

It seems she is finally realizing that she has a different husband that I had and stated the same happened with her ex-husband. Mine was an asshole, who said nasty things to me and I was not allowed a rebuttal. She shook her head so many times, saying she would never allow not having a voice. With him, I was cut off at the knees, not allowed to respond when he spouted off about politics or anything else, as my response would be construed as challenging him.

So, I bit my tongue with him. I have crafted a long response, but I don't know if I can send it. It makes me cry, but he still has me trained that I am not allowed to speak up.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Part 1, Backwards

Sorry, but I am having trouble with my blog.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Part 2, Backwards

I get a few comments and I appreciate them tremendously. Largely, though, I feel like I am talking to myself.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Part 3, Backwards

I have been posting daily since last November. That's close to nine months. To post, I really need incentive from the outside. It is draining me.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Part 4, Backwards

I was already dragging ass, but events over the past two days have completely swamped me.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Part 5, Backwards

My ex-husband is a royal ass and all niceties are off; he thinks our son should get over any potential depression, as it is kind of common and expected. He dared to say that there are some people over there for five years and we have experienced nothing, that J should learn what it means to have a job and be patriotic. What the fuck are they feeding him?

Norma is a passive-aggressive bitch who dared to make me out to be the bad guy in something of her instigating. She wrote that she was sorry I got upset for her being two minutes late. Ha! What about putting some spin on it, won't cha Norma!

She's been taking the boys to camp since July 1 and I pick them up. This week, her son is in a scout camp, so she's just been taking J. This morning, he got back from ex's visitation and went toward Norma's a little early. I figured Norma might like an early start. Well, J saw her driving away, so we assumed she forgot him. I called her cell, but it has changed and I don't have the new. So I hurriedly dressed and dashed out the door only to see Norma returning. She said she went to get gas. She said she never expected him early. I said she could have called and she replied she didn't want to disturb my sleep by calling so early. I said I do get up to get him out the door and I would prefer a call to a mad dash.

So she boiled it down that I was angry she was two minutes late. I didn't see her as two minutes late; I saw her as gone. I boil it down that I cannot read her mind and had no idea she was coming back. I've now asked for her cell number a couple times, but she has not sent it. I find the whole situation absolutely ridiculous.

So I was in a little funk and then shit started piling up. I am not in a good place.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Drink

This week's word is drink, as in...

Throw him in the drink!

Friday, July 04, 2008

Celebrating Independence Day

I was taking the high road with an Independence Day post.

But I got the better of myself. Just have a look at this long member with all the excited red fluff enveloping it and creating loud noises.

Nuff said.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Now that I hate July 3

Today would have been my 22nd wedding anniversary.

It is also the 3rd anniversary of my engagement to P. He said he was claiming the day for himself, superseding all else, but actually it was the only weekend he was without his daughter for 15 months and it was a large measure of convenience. Little did I know.

I used to like being married near a holiday. It guaranteed a day off of work. Ex liked it, too, and his first date of marriage to new wifey was supposed to be Memorial Day five years ago. Funny, our divorce wasn't final until May 31, so they sort of jumped the gun on that one. Instead, they wisely skipped the 4th and got married at Labor Day.

So this is the day I dread all year, more than any other. I am pissed at two men who refused to try to make it work and as a result wanted to make it all revolve around them. Mostly, today I'm pissed to be alone, although I do not want to be with either of them.

I spoke to Lyd on the phone yesterday as we attempt to do the friend thing and she spontaneously wished for me to find somebody who suits me, as she correctly surmised that she needs to find a circus freak. I replied that I really don't see that happening for me. I told her about the day before, when I complained to Norma about a guy IMing me from the dating site; he would reply with two words and I was trying to make a conversation around it; chicks always have to do all the work and I do not cotton to it. As she's mentioned before, Norma said that I need to be with a woman, as I don't speak guy-ese very well, that I expect too much from guys.

Yeah, on some level I expect some guys who got married or engaged to me to still stick around. Silly me.

Sorry for the wallow. I need some more sleep, I think.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Trying to talk to Norma

Norma can be quite defensive about her son and, yet, there are things I still need to bring up.

J and her son are in strings camp together. Norma is taking in the morning on her way to work and I pick up after lunch. In the beginning, I didn't realize I'd be picking up her son, Lenny, and bringing him here. She said he could stay home, but I knew it wouldn't end up that way. I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of me babysitting him being part of the deal, but I decided it would be worth it in the long run. For the past two years, Norma picked Lenny up at lunch and kept him at work; it was that pattern I'd been expecting.

Tuesday, both boys played well downstairs all afternoon, although I was really anticipating Norma's arrival home at 6:15 or so. It felt like a long time to keep the kid and I kept trying to shoo him home so he'd be there when she got there.

Instead, around 6 and through J, Lenny, who is 12, asked if he could use the computer. I knew it was coming. I knew I didn't want him on my computer. I do not have child controls and I do not know the places he goes. With J, I know he just goes to gaming sites. Lenny goes other places, looks things up on Google, etc., places I'm not saying are bad; they're just different and could potential lead to much more than Cartoon Network. Just the one time several months ago Lenny and J spent time together here on the computer changed J's viewing habits.

So I told the both of them that I didn't want to be responsible for Lenny on the computer, that he looks at different things and I don't have child controls. Also, I said that his (M.ormon) mother is very particular and I don't know what is allowed.

I figured that I should pass this along to Norma, just in case he questioned this. So today at lunch, I went to pick up the boys. Mind you, the line is exceedingly long. The first day, I got there five minutes early and still waited 20 minutes. I decided to try it earlier the second day and got there 20 minutes early. Finally, the children began pouring out. I saw J, but no Lenny. Although cars could get around me, I felt like I was holding up the line, as I was toward the front, so I sent J to look for Lenny. Twice. J could not find him. So I called Lenny's cell. Voice mail. I didn't know if that meant he was on the phone with his mother or not, so I called his mother at work to see. Always defensive about him, she said she wasn't on the phone with him (they had been the day before, so that's where I got the idea) and that the phone was probably off. She said that maybe his class had not let out yet. Perhaps, but there were schloodles of other kids out waiting. Most likely he is doddling, I thought. That's his style.

While I had her on the phone, I told her I wanted to tell her about the computer and me explaining to him that I didn't want to be responsible for it. She snapped back that he's fine at his father's. I responded that he changed J's viewing habits and I didn't want to deal with that again. She defended that dynamic, saying that kids together are up to more mischief than a kid alone, then went on ad infinitum about some women and their sons, how they egg each other on. Well, when J's never been to Google and he goes because of Lenny, I would say that is an older boy's influence on a younger boy. However, I couldn't get in a word edgewise that I was trying to protect the safety of both our sons, not accuse her son of being a pervert, but sometimes there's no talking to Norma. She defensively takes a turn at a tangent and the original point is lost.

Finally Lenny shows, strolling out, sun glasses on before he left the building. Ahh, he's acting the teenager. He's oblivious to the idea that someone is waiting on him. He was poky putting his instrument away and getting out to the pick up line. At least today, I was to take him to his telecommuting father's house. Of course, his father pulled up after I did; I don't think I could have left Lenny on his own if Daddy didn't pull up. Poor Lenny has such critical and picky parents.

So here this is, documented for my sake for later and getting it off my chest. Norma didn't call me to walk for the first weeknight in a long time. I guess she is mad at me. I wish she weren't so defensive about her son; she always complains of the school singling her son out and how they seem to pick on him. Honestly, being called to the Principal's office twice a year isn't picking and I am realizing it is a lot more about her reaction to them than merely the behavior of her son.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Not to wear this out or anything

As a point of reference for you, the instructor posted a bit of her work.

Value sketch of books

Color sketch of books

Finished cat