Wednesday, February 28, 2007
A poll of sorts
I've asked several people about trust and respect, wondering how it is either given or cultivated. For myself, I offer them quickly and that's how I wind up burnt. I give away power, love, respect, trust all too easily and at great cost.
I think answering the question is a gut reaction and the initial interpretation is what's important to me, not the analysis of the degrees of circumstances surrounding the words.
I first asked Ted, because I'd told him that I uncharacteristically respect him as a male, one who cares for his ill mother.
Do you respect and trust first, until someone proves you wrong? Or do you reserve trust and respect until someone earns it?
Ted felt strongly that lumping trust and respect together was wrong, that they are separate. He thinks he takes time to develop trust (something I would have guessed about him), but he lends respect until proven otherwise.
I asked my buddy Richard today by phone. He thinks Ted has it all wrong. He thinks he inately has to trust to function in society, sort of like thinking people are looking out for your back. However, respect must be cultivated and should not be given.
How do you operate? When do you trust or respect?
What other words/concepts besides trust and respect apply to this analysis?
Monday, February 26, 2007
Ted's take, my benefit, my researching soul, and being found
Since I began dating again last summer, I have been honest with two of the three men I've seen; they were the ones who asked if I have a blog when I spoke of reading blogs. I released the blog hounds on purpose by telling them, because I do not want to have the burden of this secret again. It's not a bad secret and I am anonymous and relatively discrete about specifics, but I did feel less than forthcoming with P about this and I do think he felt me being pulled by something unidentifiable.
The first guy of the recent lot, Luke, was very curious about my blog, but then he's a law investigative sort. We were even at a social gathering when I mentioned to a web guru guy that I'd read his blog a while back, so then I could congratulate him on his marriage rather than ask his wife what happened to the old girlfriend. He was very surprised to have a reader besides his mother. Funny guy. Brilliant guy.
Luke hopped right on it, saying I blog. Then the guru guy asked what my host is, referring to MySpace and I said more technical, then asking Typepad and I said less technical. So he arrived at Blogspot pretty quickly. I did not confirm or deny, but it was obvious.
The next month, I was at Luke's and he wanted me to look up a movie listing online. I went to use the drop down URL thing on his computer and lo Blogger was in the list. He'd been trying to research me. I knew he had, but there I had evidence, however I couldn't tell how recently or frequently. Yet, I know he did not find me. He had an obvious dial up connection. I'd have known if I was found.
Contrasting this, Ted knows I have a blog, but I learned this weekend that he truly considers it my space. I asked him this morning if he's looked/considered looking for it. He looked me in the eyes and said sincerely, "Cricket, knowing you, I am sure it sounds.just.like.you. There is no reason for me to invade that." He knows me well. I am me - here, there, and yonder.
I replied that I can be crankier and bitchier online, but I need a place to sort it out. I generally reserve reactions in person until I can figure out my opinions and a course of action, often done here, a place I value. He's actually pretty sensitive when it comes to yelling, like me, having grown up in a household with too much of it. I am very sensitive to yelling, too, and how counter-productive it can be. P yelled. When he yelled for the duration of our second argument, I uncharacteristically yelled back in such frustration, knowing there was no way I'd be heard. And hated myself for stooping to communicating in that fashion.
With blogging on my side, I know I would have never done so well on the recent situation with P if I had not 1) written about it here as the good and bad was unfolding throughout our relationship because the posts worked nicely for future reference as well as a frame of reference (sorry new readers, but the archives do not reflect much of that) and 2) written thoroughly about my suspicions concerning Shancy and him, which led to more suspicions and research, which led to some pretty solid conclusions I could then voice and have confirmed.
Of course, having an accurate counter with location and ISP statistics increases my overall confidence considerably. Especially concerning my new avid reader.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The ball of wax and house of cards
I began with my script, which included blocks containing [PAUSE] to remind me not to talk too much. Of course, I did talk too much, but he was fucking blown away by my knowledge. I feel redeemed. He is fucking sweating right now and I am a storm gathering.
He didn't say a whole lot to my questions or observations, but he really seemed to want to catch up. I will try to summarize here, but I know it'll be haphazard and out of order.
I was trying to reach you last week, but I guess the weather kept you away.
Yeah, how are you doing?
[And then my brain exploded b/c that wasn't in the fucking script!]
So, Happy Valentine's Day
Thanks, same to you
To both you and Sharon...
Uh, yeah, thanks
[By this point, my voice was shaking and I really, really need my script.]
I am calling about something very specific. I have a health concern that involves you having unprotected sex with two women at the same time.
I need an honest answer about exactly when you first had sex with Shancy.
You don't need to know that....
I don't remember....
What health concern? [said is I were being stupid or dramatic]
Why do you need to know?
P, if you won't tell me, should I ask Shancy?
Why would you want to talk to her? [angrily and protective - more of himself than her, I think]
Then you tell me. I need to be able to trace my symptoms and potentially inform you if I need to. You're the only person I had unprotected sex with, so it is a valid issue.
Ok, January. After what happened at Xmas.
[My therapist thinks this is entirely too convenient of the "We were on a break" sort.]
[Some time after this, I responded that I'd tried to get away from him at Xmas, how on earth could he keep pursuing me?]
January? You mean you had both of us for six months.
Does Shancy know about me?
Does she know that our engagement ended in June?
Does she know that you married her a mere six weeks after proclaiming your undying love for me?
So, if you're being honest about January, she didn't give me HPV?
Yes, P. Remember the paps and biopsy? Remember I said it was from the wart on your left leg and you swore that you only touched it with your left hand and you only touched me with your right. [Naive, huh?]
In about a year's time, I had four infections: HPV, which you do have and you have passed to Shancy if she didn't already have it, plus BV twice and Group B Strep. Remember, we took the antibiotics in January for BV, which is when you claim to have started with Shancy? You could have given it to her and given it back to me. Then, you could have given me her Group B Strep to boot. I have been very worried about my immune system. Your tainted dick spread all kinds of crap around.
[Kaboom. Bombshell.] [FUN!]
Then I started into the really pissy 'you cheated on me, asshole' crap and it felt wonderful to get off my chest. I told him I had the opportunity to cheat, but I didn't, that he is just as low as L's mother, who cheated on him. His 'one woman man' claim is worthless.
I also questioned the January date, telling him that they worked in the same town together two years ago and I wondered if they'd been going on all that time. Silence. What I suspect is that January is correct, but he had connected with her at some point well before that. She was a baited hook to him; she may or may not have known about me at all. When everything went down at Xmas, he went fishing, perhaps telling her that we were over and she knew none the better.
As some point, I told him he was being too quiet, that I didn't want to do all the talking. He replied that it wasn't the right place for him to talk, so I asked if I should just call him at home instead? Nooooo! So then he'd open up.
I said something about L's mother, who is merely in addition to two other wives. Two others, right? Or is it more? And he did not respond, so I know I was absolutely on track. [I strongly suspect that at least one other of these wives cheated on him, because his aversion to cheating ran so deep, sort of like he combined stories for a condensed version to tell the next women. Too bad he didn't internalize it, huh?]
I also said: Just like the burden you carried about L's mother cheating, I will carry this burden forever, too. Do you not realize that? How am I supposed to feel that my fiance cheated on me, that his girlfriend moved because of him while we were still engaged [remember I mentioned before her reunion profile page which said she lived way up near her work on 2/19/06, but it said that she was in a "committed relationship" (as opposed to her Yahoo account which was last updated 1/23/06 on which she said "single, not looking" - I had not put those together before to get the date) - jeez, I'd wondered if that was my fiance she was committed to last February? By golly, it was! I bet she received Valentine's Day and Mother's Day flowers just fucking like me! I'll also bet that she received for Valentine's Day - or Mother's Day - the 3 stone white gold necklace that I'd rejected at Xmas - then again, that would have been mind-spinning soon, but hey! he's capable], that he moved in with her three weeks after I forced our break up, that he pledged his love to me all summer and yet married her only six week after I insisted that our last contact be our last? How the fuck am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to trust? How can I ever think I'm a good judge of character again? You fucked me coming and going.
So, I ranted and he listened largely in stunned silence. To this stuff, though, I goaded him into saying something at least... that he wishes he could undo it, wished it had not happened, wishes he had not done that in January, but he can't undo any of it. Oops! It is out of his hands. Honestly, he was a bit too nonchalant for my tastes.
In there someplace, I commented on his lack of backbone, that I'd tried to finish with him at Xmas and he jumped right back in afterwards. Why couldn't he just let me go like I wanted?
I said it's very convenient for him to think that he could take it all back. I told him he fucking wasted my time and left me with diseases. Now he's all newlywed happy lalalala and I'm left with nothing but hard feelings. Baggage.
He never apologized. That would have helped, most definitely.
I am thinking that she truly does not know about me, not that she just doesn't know about me since that Xmas.
I spoke about how hard I tried with him, how I was so patient and not nagging. One cannot nag the unemployed to get a job or complain to him about a difficult job (which was combined with the needs of a girlfriend on the side, of course); I was patient instead and it was construed as a lack of effort on my part. I defended myself, saying how fucking hard I tried.
He whispered that he knows how hard I tried.
I said he blamed me for wanting him to take over some relationship responsibilities when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism and very tired, that he blamed me being sick for me not trying, but it took him ten months to fucking break down and tell me.
I talked a bit about football. I'd gone to 2.5 years of crap and I was quite jealous and angry that the team was good last fall. He was quiet and I told him he should be laughing, so he did on cue. I wondered aloud if he'd thought about me, as I'd requested J and my jerseys from him so we could go to games. I didn't go, but I sure thought about surprising him at tailgating or a game. Now that would have been a real SURPRISE, huh?
I stunned him. I was running the show. He knows that I could go to games or tailgating at any time. I want him to be scared. And I am glad I didn't learn about Shancy that way; I'd have been floored. I like having all this knowledge now and the position of power.
Some time in there, he overheard my cat and asked nicely about her, then asked about my son. I cordially updated him. I also told him that dating is very easy, but I really dislike the chase, much preferring the catch. It's hard for me to introduce J to men I date; I'd rather be attached.
In this line of thought, I also chastised him for railing on ex, who at least waited 15 months before he remarried. P should be ashamed that it only took him four. He is no better than anyone he criticized. No better.
A little later, I asked about his daughter, then purposefully dropped some more bomb shells, as I had been doing all along. I asked how L was doing (asked about her swimming even though I knew from the school website that she didn't this year) and he said she's doing very well - straight A's in fact. [My therapist definitely feels this is saving face; she feels strongly that L is one screwed up kid and would not turn around so drastically.] So, with my doubts, I ooo'd and ahhh'd, asking how that happened and he said he wished he knew. Then I asked how she likes having step siblings. Um, he said, it's alright. So I baited a bit and said how weird it must be to have a step sister your own age.
This proved to be too much. It was the last straw of a lot of knowledge.
He exclaimed, "How do you know this stuff?!?!?!"
I calmly said, "It's pretty easy. It's all out there. It's just out there." And I elaborated no further.
I had shown plenty of cards and I had trumped him.
By the end, he said, "Well, besides the health stuff, it was really good talking to you, um, regardless of whether we talk again." I figured then and throughout he was trying to make nice, to give me warm fuzzies so I would not contact Shancy. I also think he feels like this marriage is over and his emotions are going to turn tide, if they have not already. That's how he's built. He's been busted, big time.
I responded, "Yeah, next time, you call me. Or I'll definitely be letting you know what other diseases turn up."
Afterwards, I called my best bud, Richard. He'd helped me with the script and I appreciated his input. He was glad how good I felt, but strongly cautioned me against talking to Shancy, that I got my revenge, vindication, whatever. Leave well enough alone.
I had therapy right after that, part of the reason for my timing, and told her the conversation. She was basking in it, but I told her I felt less good with the holes she poked (January and L's grades), however she knows his lying ways and could be right. I asked her if me calling him was revenge or taking the low road, per Richard. She felt very strongly that it is healthy to confront someone who wrongs you, that I had every right to try to corner him and to ask questions, even if he wiggles out of accountability. She also feels that I should contact his wife. She says that she or I would want to know if our prospective husband was cheating on us for months, that she rearranged her life for a lying cad with at least three previous wives. She also deserves to know about the diseases b/c P won't fess up on his own.
I also spoke with Norma, who said she probably wouldn't want to know, but she is the perennial Devil's Advocate to anything I say. She said she could not bear the thought of breaking up someone's marriage. I replied that I don't want him and that wouldn't be my choice, but Shancy deserves to know where her HPV came from when she starts having bad paps soon enough. Not to mention, she's carrying around other bacterial infections.
Regardless, P is really sweating right now. House of cards, his own creation. I am so fucking sure he googled his name today! And hers, too, so he'll have some idea of how I know things, that I wasn't stalking him and it took a very little while to learn a heap o' stuff.
He doesn't know I have her email address, but he knows a lot else, so it's not a leap for him to think I could contact her directly, especially if he googles her maiden name and see what all comes up; her Yahoo and Hotmail accounts are merely her unusual name. She made this entirely too easy. I'll be watching to see if her website comes down; it hasn't yet. It's not clear whether he might have known about it already, but I don't think so, because he'd have known where I got much of the info. As of today, he'll know. I don't think he's a clean house/gather the wagons sort, as that implies guilt, so he'll be mum as he gradually (or quickly?) disengages from her. I think he'll ride it out for now and the website will stay....
as I contemplate calling his bluff.
Kitty went to the vet yesterday morning. We went mainly because she was out of her K gel and her kidney medicine, benazapril. She had begun to lose weight in December, but as it turns out, she still weighs almost 5lbs, so not too far off the mark for her slight frame.
I didn't expect to question whether I'd ever be able to take her home again, however. The vet, one I had not seen before, did a very thorough exam on her. It'd been almost a year since I'd taken her in and over a year and a half since she was diagnosed with renal insufficiency/renal failure. The vet discovered that Kitty now has a heart murmur. I could elect to take her to a cardiologist for $500 to see how extensive her heart disease is, but I won't.
The vet said she feared beginning subcutaneous fluids for her, my other goal for the day. Balancing the delivery of subcutaneous fluids for renal failure and taking care of the heart is a delicate science. She feared that if we gave her a full 25mL of IV, her heart would fail. She said they could probably save her with a med, but it would be a cyclical situation. The way I figure it, if they got her heart failure under control with a med, then I would not worry about fluids again and I would let her go more naturally.
I truly hate the thought of an intervention being the cause of her death. Kitty got a sample 10mL to demonstrate to me how to do it and she did fine with that, although she did not like the cold.
The vet made mention about her quality of life right now and if it gets worse, I need to consider putting her down. She based this on Kitty's coat, which she stopped grooming perhaps 2-3 years ago, and stated confidently that Kitty feels badly. I think her evaluation is rather extreme, as I'd already made it clear that Kitty eats, drinks, climbs stairs, jumps on the bed, desk, and purrs etc daily. Even in renal failure, she is a vital and functioning part of our family who is holding her own.
I will let her go when it's time, but it's not time yet. Later today, I should get the results of her chemistry panels. I do not expect good news, but I will find out from her regular vet, who I don't really feel like I know or trust either, about the delivery of subcutaneous fluids and her opinion on that and heart disease.
God, I love this cat. She is such good company. I will be spending a lot of time in bed cuddling her and enjoying her before she goes, but I will not write her off in the mean time. Her loyalty deserves better than that from us.
ETA: the vet left me a message this afternooon - kind of like she did a year ago when she said the cat had progressed to renal failure - it's what makes me not trust her - I do not like such messages left on my phone.
Anyway, supposedly her renal numbers have stayed the same. I remember they were high enough to be considered renal failure (vs. insufficincy), yet they weren't off the charts.
Her concern now, however, is that the liver numbers show problems. She said she'd usually order an u/s, etc but won't b/c I'm poor. Honestly, this is one old cat. I don't know what paying for an u/s would really provide. This is the same vet who wanted me to have $70/month renal bloodwork done for monitoring purposes. Now really, what good is knowledge like that? I don't see a reason to throw away money on useless data. This is one old, yet happy, cat.
I am not in the mood to return her call now, but I'll talk to her tomorrow and go by there for a copy of the bloodwork. She wanted to bump up the subcutaneous fluids from 25mL every other day to daily. I kinda don't get it with the heart concern.
Val, Sweetie, I honestly didn't think about you piping up, but I appreciate your input. I'll have more details tomorrow.
PS - I called P this morning at work. We talked 20 minutes, until I had to get off the phone for biofeedback. Much more tomorrow. But, munch on this. Shancy didn't know P was still seeing me. He was cheating on the BOTH of us. And he is sweating and scared. Just where I want him.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
My son is pretty good at pool and at one point a guy sitting at the next table over passed by and told Ted, "Your son is so cute." I think Ted enjoyed that.
Ted is wonderful with him, despite not having kids himself. I like the way he talks to him and goofs off with him. After Uncle Fester and Luke were so standoffish both physically and emotionally, it is a welcome change.
With our established trust, Ted has evolved from being a self-described asshole (albeit a funny one) to being rather cushy and sweet. I've seen the inner Ted in the last week and feel privileged to be privy to it. I keep flashing back to it: his face on Sunday radiated such happiness and I was honored.
Of course, on Monday in guy-like fashion he denied all, or at least side stepped all he could. We'll see how it goes when I see him Wednesday, which he is already trying to downplay because of his anticipated week at work and late hours. I think he's nervous - not that different than P in that regard - about taking any next steps. I can wait. No biggie. I like guys who think enough t get nervous. P put me off for a good number of dates, too.
The parade yesterday was pretty cold, but not as cold as the day before, thank goodness. Once walking, it was pleasant. Ex came along and rode in the float/truck behind us. He'd put so much work into J's costume, I was glad he was around to see it.
As a huge bonus, he said he ordered me a digital camera to replace my one that went fuzzy in January. He said he values me taking pictures of J, so he wants to support it. In fact, he got me a Canon, the brand I'd researched, but he got me an even higher model that 'd researched - something like 10 megapixels instead of the 5 I was willing to buy. It should arrive today or tomorrow and I am very grateful.
He and I were on the same wavelength for the payback. He said he wants to join the Old and Esteemed Men's Organization and wants me to research his lineage for it. He can join about a dozen different ways, so it'll be a lot of research choosing the easiest line and getting there.
We were on the same wavelength because I was wanting him to spend $300 on Y Chromosome DNA research to confirm which Cricketson line he descends from. Having that data is instant genealogical success, particularly because I have so much Cricketson research done.
Alas, the camera first. And lineage research instead of Y chromosome, for now.
One good piece of news about the camera is that there is an accessory that makes it an underwater camera, so it'll be very handy on the cruise.
On today's docket:
I am taking my 18.5yo cat to the vet this morning for the first time in almost a year. She uses a daily gel supplement and a pill; both just ran out and they wouldn't represcribe without seeing her. She'll also have bloodwork done to evaluate her kidneys. And we will decide whether subcutaneous fluids are necessary yet. She lost weight in December, but has remained relatively healthy, although her strength seems to have decreased due to her lower muscle mass.
Jeez, I love this cat.
After that, I have biofeedback.
After that, I may hock the ring. I have not had a 2-3hr segment w/out son to be able to do it. The alternative would be to call P at work. Despite what anyone says about the mechanics of the call, I deserve to know about the health issue for my future reference. Because I have even written out a script, I would not call to chastise him for his decisions, would not even go there because that is not where I am. Despite how I tried, I could not make a silk purse from a sow's ear and they seem like two perfect sow's ears together.
ETA: Have you seen this - born 10oz/9.5" in October at 21w 6d and she's going home today a normal child. Wow.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Best teaser title ever
Pretty bad so many people fantasize about smacking the President.
Ted is a CSPAN junkie and rails on him constantly. I laugh because I'd cry otherwise.
This irritates me... Report: Prince Harry due in Iraq
Soldiers don't need entourages of the Press. It's dangerous on a lot of levels. I'm not saying he'll be treated differently militarily (probably so, though, don't you think?), but I do think he'll stick out like a sore thumb and prove to get himself and others killed.
That was ex's mantra in the military: don't get anyone killed.
I tried to call P again yesterday, but I guess his country ass was still at home. When you are not motivated, even having an SUV doesn't matter in getting to work in the 1" of snow/ice, even if 2/3 of the ride to work is done via train. I'm sure that SUV worked just fine going on beer runs, though.
I remember that one of the perks of this job was having all the lesser holidays off, too, so I know he won't be in on Monday. Tuesday makes it a full week trying. I will not be swayed.
Yesterday: I think I chose the cruise, if I can get my mother's approval. I would seriously like the 7-day one from Barcelona to Rome, but alas she's balking on the airfare. What a total bitch! heh
We've both done Western Caribbean before, so I just looked for "Other" Caribbean w/out Bahamas. She insists upon a balcony. Man, that's uptown. Last cruise had the rowdy Kindergartner, the moody teenager, and the horny adults in a single room with no window. I am truly moving up in the world.
In fact, not only did I choose a cruise, I have researched all the excursions and have that roughly mapped out, sort of alternating snorkeling with island tours. However, there is now a zip line canopy tour down there and we'll do that, too, like we'd done in C.osta Rica. And stingrays, like Grand Cay.man. I'm glad she's active and healthy and we can do touristy things, but I'll probably find a way to break her hip.
My passport expires next month. Need to take care of that.
I can only imagine how much I'll miss my son, the bugger head.
Last night: Ted and I were on the phone twice. The first time was as he was leaving work; it's a good distraction for the ride. Second time was two hours in the late evening. I'd brought up my girl crush, Dita, to his horndog ass, so I emailed a dozen links during the first conversation. Pauvre petit, he only knew about Dita, had not experienced the full Dita. Anyway, the second conversation's main topics were Dita, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, George Washington, and architecture. We are an eclectic pair. I learned I need to study up on James Madison and he on George Mason.
Today: finally spending this kid's $15 gift card at Toys R Us, getting Betta Janie some real foliage for her bowl at the nearby Petsmart, darts/pool/beer at the chili place, and perhaps some laser tag at the place in the same strip mall.
J finally woke up just now and asked me, "Did I tell you what I found while I was sledding yesterday?"
Me, thinking a penny or something, "No?"
Proud J responds, "I found a piece of ice that looks like Australia."
He makes me roll, my eyes are watering. We are such geeks.
It sure feels good to have a life again. Maybe the biofeedback is working.
Friday, February 16, 2007
My son is making me buggy. He got out early on Tuesday, has been home Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, AND it is my weekend for him, AND it is a holiday on Monday. This is rare, but cabin fever has given me the perception of too much of a good thing. That and he wouldn't give me his last god damned Valentine's cupcake, the shit.
Thank the good lord for NetFlix. We've watched Ken Burns' Thomas Jefferson (ex is a cousin to two presidents - Jefferson and Carter, and J chose to do his school biography on Jefferson, so I got the Cliff Flix), Down and Derby (about the history/mechanics of the pinewood derby and how it is really a competition between manic and maniac fathers, a laugh out loud good kid's movie), and Igby Goes Down (quirky with an all star cast, amazingly good and giving new definition to the "messed up" teenager.)
But they all go back out in the mail today and I won't get new until Tuesday. Withdrawals.
In the mean time, I am looking forward to tomorrow. My son and I are meeting Ted to play darts, perhaps pool. (Mine are virgin darts - I'd given them to Luke for Xmas, then uncharacteristically wanted them back upon break up in my quest to no longer worry about being the bigger person.) So, I am good at picking things for boys to do. I am also very surprised at how much I like Ted. I do not remember the last time I liked and admitted I liked someone to their face. I am usually cool, gathering information. I did that the first month, now I'm a bit smitten. Gosh, we are so much alike. I have also realized something crucial. I'll admit that I often do not respect men once I know them. Granted, Ted's a man's man and sees the world according to gender differences (sometimes accurately, sometimes not in my opinion), but I respect him despite that! Know why? Because he's taking care of his demented mother. She's a piece of work and he's doing the best he can. One cannot cultivate respect and I am glad to not have to try.
I am also looking forward to Monday. Although it'll be in the 30s, my son an I will be Revolutionary patriots on a float in a President's Day parade. We do know how to have fun around here.
Speaking of fun, I called my mother last night. She's 65 and went for financial consulting yesterday. Although she's not a money bags, she was told her taxes would increase next year with her SS and a small pension, so she needs to spend some money and make less money.
Guess her decision! To take me on a cruise! (But, shhhhh, don't tell my sister.)
Last night, I began researching what we could do in July.
Yee-Haw! I needed something to look forward to.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Am I getting modest in my old age?
Had a couple long phone conversations with Ted last night. Got a lot straightened out. We realize where we'd gotten off track. Although he kept wanting to afix blame and I merely wanted to figure out the dynamic, we understood each other and the communication was a good exercise. He was supposed to be studying for the interview/test, and he didn't. He said his ADHD makes him a crunch studier; I'm glad I got over that, as I got much better starting a finishing projects in graduate school. Okay, starting and researching to death, only pulling it together at the last possible moment. But, hey, that was progress.
I learned that he doesn't take meds for sex. He was that way on purpose - a willed half mast - as he is afraid of the ever loving HPV. Great, I said, I am a pariah among pariahs. Life really sucks sometimes. I almost cried, but didn't, but told him I was going to get off the phone and cry. He felt really bad and we talked more; although it is rough, I appreciate his honesty and I've been in this sort of position before.
The first thing that popped in my mind, besides crying, is that 60% of adult males have it, too, but they don't even attempt to know. Are there are blood tests to find out, because he really doesn't know his status? He then asked about the vaccine and why someone like him couldn't get it, although he's big time anti meds, kind of granola like me. As far as I know, he could get the vaccine, right? It's just expensive. I like that he's a problem solver as far as guys might lean that way.
While I'm on it, this vaccine legislation thing is a burning pet peeve for me. Why just vaccinate all the little girls when the ones they'll get it from are the boys? Why are men largely able to get over on the fact that they get/have it just because they do not potentially get cancer from it? Does their asymptomatic state preclude honesty and culpability?
I assure you, I would not have the shit if not for a man.
I want to hate men so much sometimes, but I just can't.
Monday, February 12, 2007
My cerulean sky
Instead, I will talk about today's profound vision during biofeedback, namely Alpha.Theta Training. It was my 11th such session of this particular node, but number ten on Friday was an absolute wash. Looking at today's wave patterns and numbers, it would have been considered a wash, too, except it was the most amazing one ever.
The 30 minute training has an EEG electrode attached to the top/back of the head, a place referred to as the God Spot because of the spiritual reactions it elicits. I remember kind of rolling my eyes when I heard that one. Also, it is highly effective at making alcoholics alcoholic no longer and PTSD people calm. It is considered great at cultivating self awareness. Insert another eye roll, as I am Queen of Self Awareness and I am not alcoholic, although I would characterize myself as PTSD-ish in my reactions to stress.
Alpha waves are the higher ones when you relax; theta waves are higher as you relax further. Over the session, waves will change as to which is higher. At these crossovers, visions occur.
Enter the evil menace. I have had many crossovers, but I have not have the visions because a third wave, the high beta, is a minimizer. That, my friends, is brain chatter, what I do best. It is why I cannot fall asleep. My brain won't turn off enough to let me relax. And, even though I've had crossovers, my high beta inhibits the response.
Friday and even today, my high beta was even higher that the alpha or theta. Only a week before, I'd had beautiful lines of alpha and theta on the screen and a high beta low enough that they barely touched over the thirty minutes. I was so incredibly proud. I made my brain waves prettier.
Today, though, my high beta was above the others again, except for a very few moments. At that collision of waves, I had such a meaningful and moving vision.
I saw a cerulean blue sky dotted with small white clouds. Someone soared out of a little airplane as if skydiving, dove downward through the beautiful sky and skipped across a couple rooftops. At this point, I had a sense that it was me, but I didn't really look. The next skip took me to a trampoline where I jump, jump, jumped higher and higher. The point of focus shifted from the side to me looking upwards at the soles of shoes bounding up and up into the cerulean sky with the small white clouds, until they disappeared and all I could see was the sky. Slowly, superimposed upon that was this:
It faded gradually to the cerulean blue sky and small while clouds again.
I realized that art is my expression of God, of my interpretation of what is divine in this world, and I have neglected my very passion. I need to take better care of nurturing that part of me , which will begin with painting that cerulean blue sky with the small white clouds.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
A good dose of karma
I once had a behavioral psychology professor who, true to his profession, had the mantra, "Change your behavior, change your mood."
For 25 years, this has served as my bootstraps when I need to get myself going. I will force myself to do something and am usually the better for it.
I shared this philosophy with Ted on Friday. We'd talked a little about going to a gathering on Saturday night all week, but he in particular was on the fence. I knew I needed to get out of the house for my state of being. The mantra made good sense to him, too, so he changed his mind.
Dancing, drinking, and socializing were necessary and they worked so well. I had a blast. I drove, so I didn't drink very much. I even got Ted to dance, he on the non-dancing variety unless he's very drunk and he wasn't even drunk either. I danced with others, met new. It was lively and fun.
Because we arrived together, everybody thought Ted and I were on a date. I told a few people we weren't, but it wasn't a real big deal. I wasn't looking for anything.
I wore something uncharacteristic for me. Actually I wore it in an uncharactistic way - my red blouse unbuttoned to show cleavage. Man, that was fun. Overall, I felt like I looked great. In fact, as Tom and I were talking to the longterm boyfriend of another friend, we discussed music. I said I listen to classic rock, but I really need an update on more modern rock groups. (Suggestions? They said Ni.ckleback and Cree.d.) He made some comment about me being a classic rock poser, me being 24 and all. I made him repeat himself, because I could not believe what I'd heard. Then his jaw dropped.
Pretty cool. I needed my ego stroked.
Speaking of which, Ted had an attractive friend, Marie, there and he talked to her a bit while I was talking to someone else. He respects her very much as together and level-headed. Some time during the night, she deliberately came up to Ted to tell him how hot I am. Me? Hot? It was the baring red blouse, but I'll take it. Later, as she was leaving, despite us not being introduced and with everybody always hugging each other bye, she hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You have the best booty in the place."
Stroke that ego baby!
Apparently she changes teams at will.
(Baggage, quit your smiling!)
And she dug me. Gives me a smile when I need one, if nothing else comes of it.
Ted said he'd facilitate if he could watch. Of course.
On the way home, I agreed to go over to Ted's to drink some Capt Mor.gan since I didn't get to drink much at the bar. I had no intentions, but you know me. I am just so comfortable with him. Apparently he needs medication and didn't have any, but even without what I crave the most, I had one of the best evenings ever. I still haven't slept and I never even drank my Capt Mor.gan.
Before, during, after, we talked a lot about ruining our friendship, as I do enjoy him as a person very, very much. He listens and provides honest feedback, very funny, even caustic sometimes in a good way. We have so many mutual quirks - he's also AD.HD with a messy house, for example.
I never thought of him as sexy, didn't think in those terms really, although I always (as usual) talk about sex. I told him that I feel such a rapport with him, have since day one, that I value it and don't want to mess it up.
Although I didn't say it, we all know that, after the fact, I always hate the guys I dated.
Now, however, I see a tender side to him. And a hungry side. He didn't want to turn out the light, because he wanted to see me. He, the Breast Man, spoke in amazement, "You have great tits!" Over and over. Me! Of the tit paranoia! His hands played me as if we were practiced. I like guys who worship the female form over worshipping their own orgasm. What a great way to have sex. Perhaps I'm a convert.
I am rather in shock. I made myself go out and karma served me very well. Allow it propel me a while longer.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Her 'about me' is pretty thorough, saying she has kids and likes motorcycles, tattoos, football, and P, with him as her best friend and lover. She said she was glad she finally informed him of her HS crush. (I must mention that P probably really loved that part because everybody REALLY loved his older brother and he was rather overlooked.)
Evidently she makes pretty decent money, if her income line was to be believed. She lists her entire work career with names and locations. Again, too easy, but also seeming to verify her income level.
I found her on two other pages, but they haven't been updated recently. I still have more myspace research to do, as she mentions brothers and kids with bands having their own sites. I'm sure L is loving that - bands, alcohol, cute boys.
I did not want to sign in to be able to see her pictures, but she did have two pictures posted in various places.
Let's just say she looks rode hard and put up wet. She is an obvious smoker and drinker, bleached blonde hair with a bit of a hefty bod. She looks like she is a redneck living in a trailer, particularly if the interior photo is to believed. She even had a big 'hell yeah' to the "have you gotten drunk in the last month" question.
I have her email address, so will roll that in my hands like a precious jewel, maybe like a 1 ct diamond set in platinum that I truly need to hock now. She's such a Chatty Cathy online, I think I could prod anonymously/fakely and learn more. My only real question is when they started up. From one of her sites, with a previous log in date of a year ago, she had the address that was the same as the Italian last name guy, so maybe that wasn't bad info. She said she was in a committed relationship then, but I don't see how it would have been P last February. I suspect she had a big break up then moved to WS2 and she and P crossed paths somehow.
From the looks of things, she and P are very well suited.
Monday, February 05, 2007
In the mean time, as I gather more data
Popcorn or Candy? Candy, not that I really need the excuse. I love Milk Duds, but once lost a large filling due to one, yup, in a movie. I love Skittles, too, so they'll do. I like the piece by piece eating action. My son, with all his discipline, will not even open up the goods (usually Sour Patch) until the movie starts. I'm generally finished and comatose by then.
Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever: I've never seen the hard core military movies like Deerhunter and Apoclapyse Now, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not really sure why I'm not ready, but I have a wall. Same with Raging Bull. But they're all in my Netflix queue.
Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe: Halle Berry in Cat Woman, but only if the body comes with it
Your favorite film franchise is: Clerks - I am so uptown with that choice.
Invite five (living) movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Jon Fa.vreau, Vince Vaug.hn, Gerard Butl.er, Kevin Smith, and I can't settle on #5 - too many choices - maybe John Camer.on Mitc.hell
Why'd you invite them? I wouldn't have to say a thing and I'd be completely entertained for hours. Okay, eye candy, too.
What do you feed them? Me. To Gerard. But there's enough to go around.
What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? I would make them walk barefoot between each of the sticky rows.
Choose a female bodyguard: Hulk Hog.an's daughter, Brooke. S/he'll kick your ass. I think s/he has balls up under there.
What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? What generally comes to mind, although I do not remember any specifics, was the time I went to the porn cinema with a boyfriend outside Ft. Jacks.on in Aug.usta GA. It didn't turn me on in the least, the floor was very sticky, there were single men dotted throughout the seats, and I kept that awful soundtrack (and imagetrack) repeating in my brain for a long time afterwards. Made stuff IRL feel very cheap for a while.
Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama"): Independent, which funny enough is an umbrella for anything. Also, Foreign, which is the same way.
For their distraction, I will tag:
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I did a White Pages search on Copernic. It is pretty thorough. I was looking for P. I've wanted to email him, but doing a search kept me occupied enough and not emailing. That's a good thing.
I've searched on him before and not gotten a lot. What I'd found was old.
This time, Copernic had him, his old town, his new town, and a new relative: a woman with his last name who is not his daughter, mother, or niece. A woman with the first name of his old co-worker, one who quit their mutual workplace shortly before P and I'd met. They kept in touch. She had very bad taste in men. Early on in our relationship, she'd called P to say that her crazy ex-boyfriend had declared that she could have half of everything - and proceeded to chain saw all their furniture in two while she was at work. I remember restraining orders and jail time due to that and other junk.
Last I recall, she'd moved on. She was pregnant with her black landlord's baby and her white live-in boyfriend didn't know. I guess she'd have been due last summer.
I never met her, but I never considered her a threat, even though she'd occasionally call while I was there and he wouldn't answer the phone - told me it was impolite and he often didn't answer the phone when his crazy mother called, so it wasn't that unusual to let the phone ring. I knew their conversations could get long and involved.
I also didn't consider her a threat because she was too young - mid 20s or so - and too mixed up. She seemed to provide the source of laughs more than empathy. Maybe P needed someone more mixed up than he, someone who could relate and guide his teenaged daughter on a path closer to her own. Sorry, can't help the sarcasm.
I just don't know.
He didn't seem to want to be married that badly.
Last summer when his home email address bounced, I knew immediately that he had moved. I don't, however, remember the last time I searched on his name, not that the turn around on Copernic would have been THAT quick to show a marriage the next week. Last summer, he'd started a new job, bought a house, was beginning in therapy - it was a time of a lot of changes. I wouldn't call him especially good at change.
Was he cheating on me? Or was he merely thinking of cheating on me? Keeping one on the hook? Or was she opportunistic in nabbing a guy as she was in dire straights? Was I stupid in not worrying about what I thought was a work relationship that had the side benefit of some interesting gossip?
I've checked the dating website he'd originally contacted me from several times in the last six months. This site is nifty in that it shows the last time someone logged in. P last logged in a few days before we did our exchange of junk last summer. I have actually been silently commending him for not trolling a dating site as he was trying to get himself together. Maybe he was already occupied instead?
I have to decide if it is worth it to pay the website for more data. It'd be $50 and I fear it'd only provide info on her "married" name, so I wouldn't get the real background I want.
If/when you do people searches, what do you use? Have you found the dirt you wanted? Any idea how I could research a potential wedding date? Email me privately if you want. I know about Freedom of Information Act, but don't you have to know specifics to use it? I could make a stab at where they might have gotten married, but it could be a goose chase from county to county.
I wish I could leave it alone, but I can't. Wouldn't it be fun to send them flowers for Valentine's Day? Just to pay him back for the ones he sent me last year?
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Go lend support
Dee is so on top of things - she blogged about her daughter's birth, before issues arose, about four hours after the birth. I was seriously admiring that dedication to blogging. Now she needs our support, too.