Thursday, October 30, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Blogging and pictures

In the last month, I've learned that a very small percentage of the people you tell/email about your blog or that you give them a card about it actually go to the blog - even if that someone knows me well or shares significant interests. If I said one in 20, it would be too high a viewership. It's closer to one in 50, tres disappointing.

Is not the rest of the world addicted to the Internet like me?

I really like the Blogger server that blog is on. It actually saves posts as they're being typed and allows for scheduling, which actually works. I desperately wish this blog's server worked properly.

It seems that the Indian woman comes by at least every other day. She checks out all links and pictures. It still baffles me. Ha! Maybe she realizes she made a mistake, because I am at least quality enough to hang out with, oh, every couple days.

This weekend I am taking an oil portraiture workshop while J is with his stepmother. Although I loathe the idea of painting from a picture, I know it's the only way I'll get a portrait of him. I'm still waiting on the supply list and instructions, but I began choosing pictures of my son to potentially use. I've learned in that past that it's important that the face be properly shadowed in order to provide definition. I'll include a couple and you can vote on your favorite. I'm not sure if the instructions will be for just a head shot or not, so I'm including both, although I probably prefer a head shot.

1) Last Day of Pre-School

2) At our Favorite Gardens

3) Making Gingerbread Houses in K

4) His favorite place to walk and play

5) Train Display with Friends

Okay, I love this picture of him, but I have a bad association with that day.

Until doing this post, I had a clear favorite, but now I'm less sure.

I like how Picasa works with Ritz and pictures come back quickly. I'll probably have a number printed - the picture, the picture w/extra shadow, the picture with more filler light, and the picture in BW. So, I need to narrow it down a bit if I'll be getting so many versions made.

I took a series of silly pictures of him back when I had my $40 digital. I wish I could use one of them. Beyond thumbnail size, they are a blur, but while I'm on the topic, I include some here because they are so cute and I've never had a use for them before.

J's all Vogue...

Don't forget to vote for one of the top five.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Burn

This week's word is the choice of AlienCG. I hope I do it justice.

Oh, this burned me - careless landscapers.

Memorial Day was burning hot and this Marine was out there paying tribute in burning hot wool.

Burn rubber.

He might be fair, but I burn much worse.

Sometimes the kid burns the parent.

Sometimes, perhaps verging on all the time, the kid burns the marshmallow.

Water flowing from a volcano can create burn-like conditions.

Be careful you don't get burned.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


It was bound to happen. I came out with a Real Me website and there's someone I wish didn't know.

Remember the herpes phobia Indian woman? She stayed away for about three weeks, but something got hold of her recently, I guess. Apparently she emailed my art link to a friend in India, who clicked in via Google mail. An hour later, the hysterical phobic came and looked through several pages. I believe this was Monday wee hours. Since then, she's come a number of times, including twice so far today.

She obviously has no concept of a counter. I do not like seeing her or being reminded of what she represents. I also do not like her continued knowledge of me, because my art blog includes me posting where I am painting outside with the group probably once or twice a month. I do not want to be stalked - Internet, well okay, but please not in person. I do not want baby-killer-like Herpes signs or STD cat calls.

My dilemma is letting on to her that I can see her. Should I give away that information? I really want to tell her that I can see her, with the hopes of that scaring her off. She is generally a mild person, but I don't know if she's involved friends who will buck her up to pester me.

I knew having my name on a blog would be Worlds Colliding. Any suggestions?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Show n Tell: No gifts for this anniversary

Four years ago today, I wrote, "If I can't have a baby, at least I can have a blog." I thought I was being cheeky, not realistic.

It seems very strange that I ever really thought I could have another child. I look back and see black, but I try so hard to not look back.

I also try to not look away when I am behind a baby in the grocery line. I do not deny her when my son's 3yo half sister asks me to pick her up. I am trying to live in this world of other people's children.

In situations like this, I've come a long way. In many ways, though, I haven't. Before, I turned the infertility on myself with self-blame for the unknown, which I realized I really didn't deserve. Now I turn the infertility on myself a different way: that I was daft enough to believe, to think I'd have or find a partner wanting to and worthy enough to procreate with me, to hope it might finally work again after years of trying. Feeling foolish feels awful, as does failure.

Back when I was about 30, I once did an exercise during a lunchtime talk about the Inner Child. Me of the rare tear had to rush from the room sobbing; I could not talk to or visualize me as a little child. All I could do was cry for the naivete of that poor, optimistic little girl who was so clueless about her outcome.

I feel that way now, looking back on my years of infertility. I sob with sadness at how I put so much into thinking I might get what comes to the rest of the world so naturally and effortlessly. The grief is doubled in the sense that I am still infertile, I have no hope to ever succeed, and the hope I did have almost disgusts me now. I don't know what I would say to my Inner Infertile. Give up? Don't prolong the grief? Cut your losses, because you will not succeed?

At 46, I know I'm just too old. I manage, sometimes as if walking though water, conscious of each wave and labored movement, yet putting on the good face, even on this blog, which was a secondary infertility blog. For years, I didn't even try to put on the good face. Now, I don't know if I am wearing a mask.

I measure my community by my Bloglines lists. Used to be, I had lots and lots of people in my IF/SIF/Adopt category. Those were the people I understood and very few remain. These days, I might get 3-5 posts per day there to read, because I cannot not seek out the newly infertile to expand the list. All but a very, very few (who probably no longer blog) graduated in some form or fashion to my Babies/EDA section. Right now, there are 19 messages waiting for me, but I always have to be strong when I read that category, putting on that brave face as I am conscious of each wave and labored comment.

Thanks to Mel for hosting the Show and Tell.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Saturday Scavenger Hunt: Nuisance

I chose this week's word because of laura b. and I elect AlienCG for next week's.

My choice was based on my not being able to finish the painting of this location due to a nuisance security guard:

The picnic table, kid, computer, trashcan, fence, and silly tree in the middle are such nuisances in trying to paint the meadow beyond. At various times, the meadow had its own reflective light show.
Sunsets are so pretty, but the impending lack of light is a real nuisance.

I loved my apple tree, but the neighbors considered it a nuisance because of the messy fruit and benign bees. I only decided it was a nuisance when it almost tipped over onto the cars from the weight of too many apples.

He's such a cute widdle nuisance.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Go away, Kind Sir

I've been trying to paint this long weekend while J was gong with his dad to Tucson. Ex will be home another 10 days or so until he returns to Iraq for two more months. December. I hope life will return to normal in December and I get to stop dealing with his wife.

So, I've painted close to home, close to the place with the showy clouds from a few weeks ago. I did one Saturday of a small clump of trees. I wasn't quite happy with it, so I decided to go back yesterday, chose a different angle, decided on bigger paper which would also take longer, went a little earlier.

I was so happy with how it was progressing. I'd chosen a different angle and the colors were spectacular. Then I hear commotion and I realize I am busted. My car and I are about 200 yards into a cut through road that is apparently off limits. Well, that's what both the sign I ignored and the security guard said.

At first, he wanted me to leave. He told be to go to a park barely down the road. I asked, for future reference, where that park ended and where the restricted area began, saying, "This clump of trees isn't down there." Then I asked where I could park around there, if I could walk back over. Finally I offered to move my car across the street, where he'd indicated. Then he asked how much longer I'd be and I said 45 minutes, but definitely before the sun goes down. So he said to stay.


However, I think he had ulterior motives to dither away every bit of my allotted 45 minutes. And then some, because it was dark before I was freed.

This guy started in how he lived in New Zealand and liked the painters, how mine would fit in. Then he talked at length about living in Germany and Finland. And his various women, where they went, what they saw. Then he started in about his athletic careers and how he performed overseas. He asked if I did portraits; he wants one of a sports action picture he had. (I referred him to my pastel teacher, then he worried how much someone like that would cost.) Oh, he has Wiki entries in two sports, which he wrote down for me to check and then call after I looked. He's from the next state over and has only lived here two months. He has an Associates and a Bachelor's in Criminal Justice. And how people are racist and how bad this election will be, either way. And the economy is bad, too. And Armageddon is coming, so I should get a concealed weapon permit for while I paint outside, because one shouldn't bring a knife to a gun battle. And lots more religion. And he asked me if I could cook. And more religion.

You get the picture. I guess he's ADD and I should have some sympathy, but he fucking would not shut up. Yet he was the authority figure and I felt I had to tow the line. Oh, and I'm representing myself as an artist with a business thingy now, so I had to be professional. I'd given him my card as part of the early exchange when I was trying to establish myself with him. Yes, the man has my name, phone number, blog, and email address.

Guess where I'll be before sunset again today. Please, Good Lord of the Traveling, Religious, Athletic, Diarrhea-of-the-Mouth Security Guards, let me unto myself.

Friday, October 10, 2008


If you might be interested in purchasing anything from Zazzle this weekend - from me or anyone else - they're offering 14.92% off for the holiday.

Contact me if you're interested in my account or use the link from the sidebar on my art blog. I only have about a dozen things designed, which amounts to my paintings on t-shirts, onesies, totes, etc. I can specialize or add more as desired.

No biggie if you're not interested, but for those among us who like sales, the whole site would be a fun place to peruse.

I am placing an order myself - the sale has gotten me off the stick. I want business cards as well as shirts for J, his half sister, and me.

The items are cool b/c all customers can redesign anything on them for your needs. I wanted J to have an interesting shirt which also would serve to advertise for me. I chose one I'd created and I told him he could fool with the fonts, positioning, etc to get it the way he wanted. Of course, he "simplified" the front - took off my art company name/location and added a ginormous stencil of his name, so it looks $(#^*% military. Then the title on the back was changed into the same stupid stencil font. I had a phrase on the bottom that he left alone, but I told him I would not order the t-shirt unless it advertised me somehow, so that's stuck in tiny print at the very bottom.

Be careful what you wish for. Perhaps your customizing follies will be more fun.

I'm off to purchase and maybe make my advertising a wee bit larger on his shirt, ha! I'll take advantage of him being out of town with his dad (home for 2 weeks) and do what I please!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


Yesterday's art class started off rocky because of the phone call, but the angst went away immediately. For the second week in a row, I sat in art class with a naked man. This week, the instructor demonstrated on the guy's foot. It cracked me up that a nude was needed so she could draw his foot.

When it came time for the class to do a 40 minute drawing, my vantage point was good in that the junk was hidden by his thigh in profile. I concentrated on the triangle created by his bent knee, which was draped with his arm. It was a much larger area than anyone else choose and I probably bit off more than I could chew. I had the leg's proportions seriously off, but I am relatively happy with his relaxed hand.

It reflects her style, which uses the edge of the pastel, hence you get the lines extending past. She likes this feel, as it implies dynamic motion. As such, you're feeling out your lines and repositioning them a lot instead of trying to outright draw the figure. It literally gives wiggle room. I hope I get good at it. Learning her technique makes me want to be successful at it.

Monday, October 06, 2008


It was a good weekend. It was a varied weekend. It did not end well.

I saw the Indian woman on Friday afternoon for a walk and lunch and we'd planned on Saturday night, too. She's a companion for her father and rarely gets the house to herself. He would be gone and she excitedly wanted me to come over.

She'd mentioned having purchased dental dams (oral sex barriers) after my talk, although I do not have a huge need for having or using them. I prefer action other ways and told her as much, but she insisted she wanted them.

We went to see Vicky Christina Barcelona and I liked it, found it very romantic. Afterwards, we went back to her house and she prepared a quick dinner. While it was in the oven, I put a move on her. I thought it's what I was invited there for. She rolled with it and responded, seemed happy. It was like this all evening. She had on black lace and helped me unbutton her blouse. She asked me downstairs to her room after eating. Things went very well and all was safe.

She showed me lots of pictures and, after our contact, even showed me the dental dams she'd purchased - $11 for them and $20+ to ship them overnight. I figured she was serious about being prepared! She had led me on to this point, even though she didn't have her lab results back. I figured she'd make it safe and that me being on meds was a positive.

I was gone all day Sunday and came home to an email from her saying she's too scared to continue with me, could we just be friends. In my previous email which I wrote after I'd been at her house, I had offered to use her camera to take pictures of her, to show her how beautiful she is because of some things she'd said about her body and how photos speak her language. In this rejection email, she still said it'd probably be fine to take nude pictures of each other. I was quite confused, considering that she didn't have her test results back, yet it was okay to both reject me and to have me see her nude again.

Today she called as I was leaving for art class. She'd wanted to both talk to me and to see me. I said I'd talk to her after class, so I called then. Turns out her test was negative. She cannot handle the risk, because she only wants to live in this area one more year, no ties. (That's not the kind of friendship I want, either.) However, I made it clear that the risk is known with me and she hooks up with people off of CL who probably aren't exactly honest with her. It's the second time I've been rejected by someone who would like to get their sex where they could and they simultaneously could not handle someone telling the truth. The known is worse than the unknown.

Dating outside h circles is absurd. The stigma is ridiculous. It's a fucking skin rash. Smack me if I bring dating up again.

She insisted that she was only rejecting me sexually, that she wants my company as a person and she thinks it's a valid differentiation. (I really do think she needs friends.) She also said something that floored me. She said she had no intentions for any sex to happen Saturday night. She thought we would kiss and cuddle. She never said that. I am not wired that way anyhow; touch me and I am ready. At no time, as she wore black lace bra and panties for show, did she indicate she was not interested or had other intentions. She propelled it, even if I was the one to start it in the kitchen; in fact, she commented we could skip dinner. She had professed the interest. She had made the moves kissing me a few days before. She was the one to feel me intimately on Wednesday. She invited me over during a time we'd be alone. I was following her lead.

But I am crushed at being considered an aggressor and that she was somehow reluctant. In fact, her email stated that I must have noticed her not being herself. Ha! She's an introvert who doesn't talk a whole lot, who I'd seen only three times previously, and I'd never been with her before. But she came twice, so I do believe she was doing just fine.

I loathe when something thinks I can read their mind or they change their story to cover for some remorse. When beginning with someone, I tend to be the more passive one, but I knew how much interest she had professed, how she had kissed and touched me and called me sexy.

I think she is a very confused person. These mixed signals are ridiculous. I am rejected, yet she still wants me to take nude photos of her. Absurd.

I also think she's crazy if she thought I could receive a rejection email (email! I bravely told her everything in person) on Sunday night and then potentially comfort and date her if she found out she was positive today. I was not feeling compassionate in the least after her email. How odd, that email.

She could have handled this so much better. She could have not held my hand each time we went on a walk. She could have truly waited for her results before she made intentions known to me. She could have been more clear about what she wanted Saturday night and she could have easily stopped our progression. She could have kept her fear to herself on Sunday until she knew her own status.

Prior to Saturday night, I could have just been friends. After "misunderstanding" her that profoundly concerning intentions, I don't want to take that risk again. We obviously are on different wavelengths, even though we get along and enjoy each other's company. She's so introverted, she doesn't talk much. I cannot read her mind. I cannot take the rap when she doesn't speak up; it might be even worse next time. I cannot take nude pictures of a woman who is rejecting me, as if friendly nude photo sessions were the norm, and then find she'd renege and accuse after it happened. I don't like being wrong in my judge of character and I find hers lacking.

I left it that I would think about it. Maybe I'll cool down in a few days, maybe not. I just don't do well with mixed messages, then hear, "Well, I don't want to point fingers, but..." and have that finger point squarely at me.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Kitties in pastel

With my renewed interest in the business of art, I decided that I need to compromise and not work from life all the time. The rest of the world paints from pictures, so I should adapt sometimes. I want to paint year around, so then I need to use pictures. My class, where we do nudes from life, will suffice for my live model work.

BTW, here are two of the instructor's pieces. It's an odd and pleasing way to do the human form.

She did a 30 minute demo in class, so I decided to practice a little yesterday. Well, I really wanted to get started in class, but this is one long winded woman.

Art, to me, is done outside or in a classroom. However, it's the year of change, so I'm now calling the old desk in my office my studio. Saying that makes me giggle, but it sounds perfectly official. I've had to de-clutter the desk to accommodate my supplies better, but it just keeps getting cluttered again...with cats. They seem to love pastels and a new surface to explore, lounge upon, and wreck havoc.

This is Syl.vie in my pastel field box. The foam was popular with both she and B.eau.

Here's a boys lounging shot featuring Spen.cer, B.eau, and J.

B.eau joined me yesterday evening as I used the new pastel technique on my leg. He was happy hovering for a good while.

Then he suddenly flipped over, rolled around, and screamed cuteness.

Of course, pastel clung to his back, so I had to clean him off.

Shortly after this, Spen.cer decided this new art technique needed some company.

And then Syl.vie decided the same thing.

Mem.phis hopped up here later, but scooted when he saw me go for the camera.

They're like children in competition for the latest and greatest spots.

Looking at them and at my leg drawing, it's kinda like they're sitting on my lap.

J didn't like how the foot looks. It was in the shade as I drew and he said it looks like moldy cheese. What does he know?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Went well

It was an awesome evening. She took the news well and is getting tested today. Because she uses her mother's gyn, who also knows her father, she'd planned on a walk-in clinic instead, but emailed today that she found an online clinic. She can take their script to the lab. I'm not sure if they do HSV at that lab (it's the company I used to work for and things beyond the basics are sent out), but she could have results as soon as tomorrow.

We walked around the streets of the old section of town holding hands. Me. Not being cautious. Me. We kissed on the street, a busy main drag. Me.

Now I don't feel brazen, but I do feel confident. I appreciate her strength.

During dinner, she gave me her beaded bracelet. She's also born in August; it's peridot, gold, and silver. I often wear a silver periodot ring, so it really suits me. I felt like we're going steady in HS when she put it on my wrist.

It's funny how neither one of us wants anything, but we like each other anyway and are rolling with it. I'll give her plenty of time to decide. I think I'd want her company regardless. We're going to a park tomorrow and going out on Saturday night.