Been almost 6 months

I'm a half a year older. How about you?

My birthday is next week. I'll officially be 49 and holding.

Bea and I are still struggling, but at least I'm getting a trip to Europe for my birthday. Last year, it was Vegas, which wasn't what I would have exactly chosen. Then seven months later, it was Vegas again for her birthday. I put my foot down and she listened. I chose the places and excursions. Of course, she thinks I should be grateful. I am, but you know what I mean. I'm not much for hand outs.

She has moved with her room mates virtually across the street from me. So far, it's been fine. She's been a carry out chef several times, which I have enjoyed. The difference between her living 2.5h or even 30 min away is that booty calls and sleep overs happen more for her interests than mine. I desperately need my sleep and sleeping with her doesn't provide me a restful night, plus I actually have a kid and a schedule and a life. Also, I'm pretty bored at her place. I am always busy here and am in control of the remote, computer, painting... I am quite happy as an introvert. She and her room mates like crime and blood and jail and yucky reality TV on the tube. It's no wonder people don't rise about life's circumstances when they immerse themselves in such.

Sorry if that was a judgment. Although some people squirm at the thought of presenting a judgment, I am of the opinion that having an opinion is fine. Stating that opinion is fine, too. Her room mates are nice enough people, but are lowlifes. Sorry, but they are. I just choose to surround myself with upstanding citizens. Judgment, again, too bad. It's not that I don't have a heart, it's just that I don't sell myself and my goals short. When you're motivated, people like that judge you, too. And so it goes.

In a strange turn of events a few months ago. P sent me a friend invitation on FB. Could have knocked me over. I didn't bite and emailed from a different account instead, saying I hope he and his family are doing well, plus that my SO wouldn't cotton to him as my FB friend. True, but I didn't want it either. I mentioned that for almost two years I've seen the stats where he's been checking my various blogs, so I know he's kept up with me. I was very glad to find a way to get that nugget of knowledge to him and he hasn't visited since. Alas, but my birthday is the same as his daughter's and that has been his trigger to visit in the past.

My son is almost 14 and going on three. I met with a school psychologist for him this summer and I really feel like I have the tools and confidence to make some headway with him and his school. Maybe they'll listen to me this time as I show them his Interim grades which kicked me in gear each quarter and made me research/practically do his projects and homework and/or bring issues up with teachers who allowed him to turn stuff in a month late and/or begin after school tutoring. I'm going to confess that I push for him to work and I wind up lending more structure than I should, but the kid will not start it for himself. Once started, he's much better, but I know nothing when the teachers fail to communicate with me. I have begun to wish that his ADD had an H thrown in there for fun so that people would actually see him misbehaving and he would receive the attention he needs.

I still have cat #5 and he should go back to the HSoc, but I still can't bear to have them and his errant urin.ation put to sleep. Hey, it's only been nine months he's been incubating here! He's made a lot of progress, but then there are set backs, which include repeatedly taking my beautiful Et.han Allen bedspread to the laundromat. Fucker.

The next month is quite big, in addition to the trip. I have a solo show and have been doing backflips for it. Of course, why else would I do a blog entry other than procrastination?

Mandatory optimism & cheerfulness

First off, I have not read my reader since I committed to reading my reader. Sorry.

I very much enjoy you peeps on FB. If I know you, let me know. I haven't messed up once. Plus, I am a Mafia Wars freak and have close to 1500 friends, so you'll blend in nicely.

I had a chilly convo with my mother this weekend, her complaining that it'd been three weeks. I was rather subdued already, which was nice, b/c I wanted a bit of aloofness. I have this really bad habit of warming up and putting on a show. Can't keep the charm down, even when I should. At the end, she offered up a big pause and then said that if I needed something, to let her know. I really hate asking or groveling. I'm much better at being chatty and tap dancing. For the record, she did truly call to carry on about the new entertainment unit they got to go along with their new 55" TV, how wonderful it is, big it is, etc ad nauseum. If you'll recall, in December I went through similar with her new kitchen appliances. It depresses me the ease my parents have and the sacrifices I went through for it. Goodness knows, besides college and a rood, they didn't provide for me.

Money makes me want to vomit.

Similar is going on with Bea. She throws money at the world, then chides me for buying $100 worth of art supplies every few months. I feel like a second class citizen. I feel like I have earned her trust, but she still wallows. A while back, I mentioned here how she snooped on my computer and even forwarded them to herself. I long ago deleted the offending emails from Lyd and Richard, but Bea now quotes from them when the opportunity arises, hence she doesn't trust me enough to let down her guard. Suffice it to say that it was a very difficult weekend. It is equally difficult to admit that I love her, while the other side of my brain screams L.I.N.E. (I want a tattoo of a simple line) for love is not enough.

I first came up with that concept five years ago. Can't believe it's been so long that P's been out of my life. Well, not all the way out. About 1.5 years ago, he started visiting my art blog. Remembering my birthday set him off. Sometimes he'll visit a couple times in a month. Sometimes three or four will go by. He visited last August for my birthday, then I didn't hear from him. I was kinda relieved. Of course, today he visited. Then he saw my notice for my photography blog, and although it isn't long yet, he went through every page. Although I never intended it as such, there was bait: two photos so far were taken with him by my side. More will follow b/c I have it programmed way out. I guess this probably means he'll come back. Alas. I just don't want him to know that I know.

In the two or three days I didn't phone Bea over the weekend (we had screaming matches on fb email instead), I really missed our telephone routine and stuff. We have a great hang out factor. She wrote me that she wants a partner, not someone to hang out with. I told her that having a good hang out factor is a priority to me and of utmost importance. I would miss that. I cannot be friends with exes so as to preserve hanging out. P had a great hang out factor. We only fought about once a year, but the frustration he brought me has made me fight like a loud, gesticulating Italian.

Hanging out vs. L.I.N.E.

I'm all for compromise; I'm nearing (sigh) 50 and I know the world isn't perfect, have to accept that. She's so young that she still sees roses and white picket fences. She's going to need to compromise, b/c I'm about as compromised as I'm going to get.

~~~

I really enjoyed this video. Check it out. It is my world view set to cartoon.

Nothin' much

Things have been going much better.

I've only spoken to my mother once.

I have not spoken to my father again. His sister dared to declare yesterday in FB that she was meeting my father today regarding some of their mother's papers; she needed to sign some things. My sister asked what and my aunt tap danced out of it. I would love to stir up some trouble and get my sister in inquire about today so that I am not seen constantly as the greedy one.

I am back on my computer, but I am still without a printer. Have gone to Kinkos a couple times to print, but I'm realizing how much I have not needed a printer.

Bea and I are getting along much better and I am much happier.

My son and I had some rockiness and I took away his xbox for about three weeks. I waited for him to come up with his own solution and he decided that that last week he had to be polite to me. He was, so I realized that his attitude is a choice, not hunger or hormones. When he got the console back, I made it clear that I am on to him. Even better, he has come when I called, etc. since them. We've made pizza a a couple times and are crazy hooked on Chutes and Ladders. I like this version of him.

Besides touching up an old painting of my wonderful old cat, I have done no painting since Oct or Nov. Usually working outside, I really don't like working from photographs inside. To make up for it, I have been active in installing new exhibits and have begun a daily photography blog. Tomorrow, I am going to be a judge of HS kids portfolios for a society's scholarship prize. All of these are great resume-building things, so that's great, but I am losing painting confidence. Alas.

Redbox calls. Seen any good movies lately? I really like how Redbox sends the Tuesday email of new releases and you can easily reserve yours online, movies to pick up by the next night by 9pm. Great system, although it lacks my ever lovin' indies.

Computers and I do not get along, among other entities

This post will be lovely. My computer got major viruses again, the fourth time in a year, to the tune of over $800 total. The last time was off the m effin HP website when I tried to download a printer driver for a borrowed printer due to my printer dying. The last two weeks, I've been using my son's new laptop. Not only did I lose (it was kitty tussle as one ran across the keyboard) the A key on my the precious laptop given by his father, this evening the Enter key just plain died. The switch below the key is broken, so this will be a post wil no Enters. Awkward indeed. Oh, add to that no PW for the Parental Controls, meaning no downloading of goodies like Firefox (or Adobe or anything) and you will truly see what a poor speller I am. That or it's a whole heap o' typos..........................Went to my mother's before Xmas for five days, which was four and a half days too long, although I kept face about it. Without an Enter key, I am blissfully unable to go into full detail, but suffice it to say 1) she hangs in the garage in the steam and salt of FL a very worthy watercolor I professionally framed for her about 25 years ago (in her two bedroom house, she couldn't "find" it last time I inquired a year ago), a large cross stitch I created and professionally framed about 15 years ago, and a professionally framed antique doily made by her grandmother (one of four we'd given to her, us, my grandmother, and my sister) about 20 years ago, then she dared to play dumb that any of it was at issue in her fucking garage; 2) when I confided in her that we often lack food at the end of the month, she later let it slip that she'd consulted her coworkers (who'd I'd only met the day before, as I was quite aware that they knew more about me than me them b/c that's how she rolls) about my 'monthly thing,' this from the woman who has spent several thousand on new kitchen appliances and used money "SHE" inherited from my grandparents while my sister and I have yet to receive a thing and we both go hungry. Sooooo, suffice it to say that the painting I brought her as her gift will be her last one..................................On to my father who called after Xmas - he knows we're impoverished and I am quite sure his mother's life insurance has been paid, but he would never fess up to it being appropriate to pass it along. During his call which served to make me ill on several accounts, he had the nerve to inquire in his ever coy fashion, b/c he feels it's not really any of his business, how exactly is this art thing going for me, although it isn't his business in his own words and he really seemed to believe I should give it up, as the undercurrent. He about swallowed his tongue when I said I'd sold 20 paintings in the last year. Yeah, Pops, I might be poor b/c framing, supplies, and workshops are expensive, but I am pretty good at what I do, even if you wife only appreciates hidious hyperrealistic swamp scenes and has a couple (think coastal Kincaid) in each room................................Heck, I'm good enough to hang in the Garage Gallery. Actually I was just juried into my second gallery and they are thrilled to show my work..................................Bottom line: it is very difficult not even having the support of one's parents, be it professional, financial, or emotional............................. I look forward to returning to therapy after the holidays on tomorrow..........................Bea has been behaving. We've spent a lot of time together and it has been good.