Thursday, August 03, 2006

Check it out

[Ha! I crack myself up. You know, clerks check things out all the time. Shit, if you have to explain it...]

Last night I went to see Clerks II. [No major spoilers ahead.] [website, myspace with some trailers not G-rated]

I laughed throughout the entire thing. It was low on plot, but high on lumbering, twisting banter, as anticipated.

I cheered when Jason Lee appeared in his finest Earlesque repose.

I was a little grossed out with Jason Mewes' moon, although all the other things in (technically) poor taste wasn't so bad.

It was funny to see Ben Affleck slumming it again.

I have a little crush on goobery Trevor Fehrman. He was born after I graduated HS; I could be his m.... don't go there.

For the record, Silent Bob did not remain silent, plus he had his wife and kid along in it.

I need to see it again. The nuances were many and I wonder what I missed laughing so hard.

Next time, I shouldn't watch it with two mini bottles of Absolut Citron in my movie Sprite.
I was just reading at Kevin Smith's blog. Go to the Photos of My Life (whatever it's called, at the top) to see a couple Jason Lee pics for you fellow fans. On one, Kevin Smith even commented on Jason's million dollar smile. Ahhhhh.

On a recent post and unrelated to anything in my post here but on a subject dear to my heart, he discussed his business model in reaction to a critical film journalist:

Let me put it another way: I was not gifted with a big dick and I grew up fat (and grew to be even fatter). Because of these shortcomings, I learned to eat pussy really well. That way, ultimately, I can provide a satisfying enough sexual experience where whatever chick was feeling charitable enough to get horizontal with me might reason “He did make me cum once, so I’ll give him another shot,” somewhere down the road. I took that logic into filmmaking, too: my stuff isn’t wildly popular in the mainstream, but if I make up for the lack of audience by spending less, ultimately, I can turn someone a profit.

Sweet Jesus, just how many guys feel this way? If a guy tells me he likes to eat pussy, that's a neon sign over his head saying, "BROKE DICK! BROKE DICK!" It is (needed or not in perception) compensation, at least, and I appreciate the intent and the effort, well, P's in particular. He was my only success in that regard. (Glen touted his abilities, but we didn't go there. Heck, I was too happy to have a dick in my hand, among other places.)

Guys are too paranoid and perhaps they don't realize it is standard talk, a red flag, but then I guess their paranoia comes (ha) with an added bonus for us.

I EAT PUSSY (even spray painted on a brick wall like in the flick) screams, "There's something wrong with my dick (too small [but I like 'em not large] or broken somehow: injury, premie, no blood) and I compensate by eating pussy."

That I can recall, there's only one substantially dicked guy I've dated who talked about munching as a hobby. One. And we never slept together, so I didn't find out any of his skills.

Guys, bragging "I eat pussy" ultimately becomes a warning. There has to be a better way.


Kellie said...

Gosh it's been SO long since I've seen a movie in a theatre!! The-Husband always wants to do that "popcorn box thing" and you know, I can't see spending $8 a person on tickets and not seeing the movie. LOL

The movie does look good though and you can't go wrong with Jason Lee.

Cricket said...

Jason's part is woefully small. He has a cameo as a customer. I wish he were in more movies.

DD said...

We so enjoyed the first Clerks, we really want to see this one. We were worried though that it would get Hollywooded.

And my god, Kellie. Do you and you're husband EVER take a break?!

Cricket said...

Do not fret; it was not Hollywooded in the least. It was trashy, even more than the first. Go watch some of the trailers.

DD, thanks for clearing up that about Kellie's popcorn box comment. I am quite the airhead today.

zzzzzfffffttttt right over

...hanging head...

Kellie said...

LOL... sorry. I'm not nearly as obnoxious as I sound. Promise.

Cricket said...

Well, you have me fooled, Kellie!

I tend to like obnoxiousness around here. I think I attract like characters, i.e. I know I can be obnoxious!

Anonymous said...

Oh dear God. I have never laughed so hard. I love to eat pussy!! Hahahahahaha.

Why is it that guys overcompensate for their dick? I mean, I don't want a nothing dick, but why would you want a huge dick? My vagina gets tore up enough by a regular sized one. And most guys do not need viagra and all this other stuff.

So I think there is the guy who says they eat pussy, to compensate for something that doesn't need to be compensated for..and to me that is the best kind of guy. :)

Oh, and I've never seen the first Clerks (but I've heard it is hilarious.) So I had to jump all over the to speak.

Kellie said...

I've always tried to live by the adage that if you have to brag about it (especially on a first date) you're probably better at talking about it... than doing it. I don't have time to play "That's not IT!"

Funny post Cricket.

Shinny said...

Haven't seen either movie but apparently they would fit my twisted humor so I must rent them when they are both out.

You have me pissing my pants over that whole pussy conversation and all of you commenters, I knew I loved you girls. ;)

One thing I have to say and if this ever gets back to Steve he will kill me, but he eats pussy very well and he is the first guy, so sad to admit this, that has ever given me an orgasm. I know you ALL wanted that information, I hope we never meet or I will be really embarassed. But he is also good in the size of the package department, not too big to be painful and not too small to wonder if it is in or not yet.

I do tell him that I married him because he was the first to get me the big O. Now if he could get me the big B then we would be great. ;)

Since the comments were going downhill I figured I couldn't pass up the opportunity to share. Feel free to delete if I am out of line.

Cricket said...

baggage, I mostly can't stand a lot of length. My cervix is often tender, too sensitive. It might like being tickled, but it doesn't want to be pounded. Girth is fine, except for that one guy who said, "I don't think your period is over," and I replied, "No, that's where your dick split me open." Biggest schlong I ever saw. Using extended finger tips to make a big circle with both hands, I could barely make it around it, especially the base. I will admit that it's better than the guy who, after I gripped the shaft, all that was left was the head. That's about 4" total. No, I couldn't do that one. Afraid I might break it.

Speaking of IT, Kellie, I once (just once) had sex with a guy who humped my vulva and never even made it in. He was a sweet guy but another one of those who had sex 5 times in his marriage. He was very inexperienced, even though he was around 40, and ahead of time, I'd thought maybe he could be a project. Nope. I don't work charity cases. He called Feb 13 three years ago and I gently broke it off and he said, "Just ignore those flowers coming tomorrow." Oops.

Shoot, Shanna. We are nothing here if not inappropriate.

In my lifetime, seeking a guy who can give me the big O is like seeking the grail. During a fuck, it ain't easy for me. In fact, during sex I've only been successful with ex, Sal (he's a strange one, but I kept him around for a reason), and P, with P having the distinction of the only oral Os I've ever experienced. I thought it was out of the question, but he was successful the third time out. For a long time, I kept count, it was so phenonemal, so unexpected.

I am guessing I should learn to like the "I EAT PUSSY" guys. I am due a lifetime of orgasms.

This reminds me of one of my favorite bloggers, Freshpepper, who is on hiatus, but he complained of a small dick so I think he is of this genre. Looking back today, I see where he's hidden his archives, but HaHA! I saved a few of my favorites in Bloglines. I wish I could tattoo these instructions on my substantial forehead.

Freshpepper writes in his farewell:
So I'll leave you with a little story featuring my two favorite things: dessert and cunnilingus.

When I was in law school, I traveled to New Orleans. I had a pecan praline for the first time. A praline is essentially a pile of pecans encased in a melted sugar shell. I decided that when I returned to law school, I was going to learn how to make these.

The recipe was deceptively simple: 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup cream, 2 tbsp butter, 2 cups pecans, and 1/2 tsp vanilla. Add all ingredients to pot, bring to 260 degrees, and ladle out on to foil.

The first time I made pralines, I just turned the heat to high and kept stirring. The bottom of the pan burned before the mixture reached hardball. It was a disaster.

After a few more tries, I realized that making pralines is a lot like cunnilingus. You need medium heat, not high heat. The slower you raise that heat, the better off the final product will be. In the middle of the process, stirring that pot gets hot and sometimes quite uncomfortable, but you need to resist the urge to rush the project. Never go above medium heat. Patience.

So next time you're going down on your lover, remember the lesson of the pralines. And think of me.

Kellie said...

Well, as long as we are going there...

I learned very early that how a man eats pussy is similar to how he kisses. If he doesn't make my toes curl by kissing me... I'm not even waisting my time letting him attempt to go down on me.

My husband, thankfully, curls my toes. Many before him did not.

Mmmm pralines.

Cricket said...

Thanks for sharing - kissing lips is kissing lips. Got it.

Anonymous said...

you were right Cricket, they WERE worth reading

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to look at the bottom line here. As in:
A) Dating Glen is several things for you, but ultimately stressing you out.
B) He looks like Uncle Fester.

Why create stress in your life for someone who looks like Uncle Fester? Are you getting anything positive from this, besides a temporary reprieve from the lonelies? If not, I'd say DTMFA.*

* Dump The MotherFucker Already, stolen from Dan Savage

Love you,

Cricket said...

Yeah, the basic questions are when and how, in order to reduce the backlash. No skin off my teeth with either the when or the how.

However, it'll be in the next week or two, depending on how it goes when J returns. Glen's not being relational about this - not calling or emailing each day, so he doesn't get on my nerves enough or have contact enough to make it really pressing. IOW, I can take my time and not be pestered as I choose my spot.