A Birthday Roast: Redux

Sad!e

July 19, 1988 - March 14, 2007

A Tribute in Many Parts

Originally posted July 19, 2005


To my Sad!e, who turns 17 years old today.

To my booger licking companion, who sneezes in my face regularly.

To my pair bond who must stay so close that she's earned the nickname BC Cat, for Birth Control Cat.

To my intimate friend, who grips her perch atop my chest, as my man puts me in the grips of an orgasm down below.

To my buddy who never strays more than a foot or two, except when that yummy new food is involved.

To my aged friend, who now takes two medicines and is on a prescription low protein diet, I love you with all my heart and my greatest desire is to do right by you, as you have done for me these 17 years.

As we ready ourselves

Our beloved is dying. She's still getting around, but for the first time in her long, happy life, she is content to be picked up and carried up the stairs. She calls us to tend her. Right now, she's sitting here on the desk under my chin, her head within easy kissing distance. It is one of her favorite places to be. There were times I got tired of the awkwardness of her head on my mouse hand, but I know how much I will miss that.

All these pictures were taken today.

Another favorite place of hers is sitting on the commode as I shower. She's been showering with me for almost 19 years now.

Today, she has had some water, her pills, her fluids. She ate a bite or two, not much. I made the mistake of feeding her a little yogurt twice yesterday, something she liked more than anything else, but it made her ill. At the time, I didn't realize the problem and figured it would be the end last night or today I would choose the end.

Based on that, I kept my son from school today thinking we would take her in. I also asked if ex wanted to come in today as he dropped J off, if he wanted to say goodbye. He was quite sweet, coming in, giving me a hug, and calling at lunch to see if we'd gone in.

My poor son. I cannot comfort him, as I am too torn up. Those are both of our tears on the pillow. Grief is difficult, yet I do not want to shield him from it.

I haven't been able to call about going in with her. She's old and sick, but she doesn't seem ready to die. She's still following us around and participating, albeit slowly. And I don't want to do it today merely because it is more convenient than the coming days.

Yesterday, I researched buying some yard markers and found options. I also decided I need to find something to bring to the vet when we carry her home. At our old house, we once buried a black lab, Elw00d, in a cotton chenille bedspread from my grandmother. I buried Sa.die's best buddy, Jell0, with a Chinese porcelain bowl full of milk.

I thought to bury Sa.die with a cotton receiving blanket from when J was tiny. Then it popped into my head the three piece set I've kept in the closet for eight years awaiting my new arrival who never came. Instead of ever using it on a human babe, the blanket will escort my true love into the ground and she will be wearing such love and hope, laced with sincere appreciation for being in our lives.

Play, my Sweet Sad!e Belle. Play.

If that weren't enough

My cat is sick. She started with a cold on Wednesday, probably the drippiest I've seen and she is master of the cold. Gets them routinely.

However, this time her appetite is shot; she's interested in food, hovers around it, but doesn't take much. I started with B12 injections on Saturday to see if it would pep her up. She seems to feel better, but is not to the point of being good again. They wanted me to bring her in to the vet on Saturday, but I said I would not bring her in and pay $100 for them to tell me she needed to be put down. I sort of forced their hand in prescribing $20 worth of B12.

She's still climbing stairs and jumping on my bed, so she's functional and aware. The sub-cutaneous fluids help tremendously. She does not feel well, but I do not think she is suffering.

I'll do the B12s for now. I also started her on a course of antibiotics I had left from her cold a year ago. If they don't help, I will make a decision. I could not do it with my son at his dad's this weekend. If it comes to it so soon, I'll see about tomorrow, when he gets out of school early. It's important to me that he participate.

I have no clue what to do with her body. I remember my mother declining recently on getting the ashes of her dog. I have no idea how much something like that must cost. At our old house, we had two pets buried in the back yard. I do not know how I could possibly dig a hole for my cat, but maybe that process would be helpful for my son. To bury her and get a plaque.

What have you done for special pets?




PS - Checked the mail today to find a civil suit against me for $4500. I was not aware of the problem and would have appreciated a heads up before hand. I'll have to re-fi or something to pay it, but I am checking with my insurance, as they may pay. It's complicated. Anyway, does anyone know if can I just pay it and not go to court? Do I need a lawyer if I plan to pay somehow? Anyone?

My high beta has exploded through the top of my brain.

I guess I complicated things too much by asking

Ted was supposed to be here at 3pm Saturday, but I tried calling both of his numbers to tell him that I was running late. He didn't answer. I learned later that he mother had tried to call about 20 times. Between that and other things (of his invention), he was frazzled.

He finally arrived here about 3:30, having called when close and complaining about various stressors and what all he needed to remember before leaving his house. I think he felt rushed working with my timescale, which was what we actually agreed on. Thing is, I am apparently the only one of us time-conscious enough to follow through. That said, thirty minutes late isn't so bad for him, yet his take on it seemed to carry over on the evening.

We drove to the other city. Yup, it's the same city that I broke up with P and Luke in. Perhaps I should learn my lesson and not go back? Funny how relationships are seemingly fine one-on-one, but the stress of family/friend socialization is too much.

Along the way, Ted's demented mother called, he actually answered per my urging, and she yelled a lot, saying that she hated him and hanging up. I know how difficult for him this all is for him. Later in the second bar, his mother's neighbor called, too, but he didn't answer because he didn't want the bar sounds in the conversation, because she's very religious. I do not know if he listened to the message from the neighbor, but actually come to think of it now his mailbox was full as I'd tried to leave a message before 3pm, so there probably was no message.

(His mother was freaking out that she had no food. It is an ordeal taking her to the grocery store on Saturdays - she's fallen at least twice since I've known of her - and he'd told her a week ago to get two week's worth of groceries, but she refused, even as he prodded her throughout the store. In dealing with her, he pretty much has to treat her like a child and not encourage behavior he doesn't want. She yelled on the phone that she had not had lunch or dinner and it was his fault. The truth is that Ted feels she's quite dramatic, a PITA her whole life, and that she didn't have cookies or ice cream - there was plenty of food. Now he says he's going to start buying her groceries for her, because she won't buy enough when he takes her. He loved my idea that he should have a speed dial for Chinese or pizza so that he could surprise her at times like this.)

That said, his mother is always freaking out, so this isn't anything new - mother, neighbor, yelling, hanging up. He usually takes it in stride. I have so much respect for what he goes through.

However, when we were almost there, he spilled some Pepsi on his shirt and had a hissy fit about the spill, equating it to other spills in his past, ruining clothes, and generally being inconsolable. He was yelling about his shirt and I was baffled - heck it was charcoal gray knit, so really, what would show? He raged that one thing will go wrong, then another, then another, and he'll explode as a result. So he refused to open his trail mix because it didn't come with a zip up bag and he was sure he would spill it, too. Tizzy, I tell ya. He was acting like a child himself.

I was nothing but gracious through all of this, figuring he started off the evening on an odd foot, but it would get better. Everybody gets PMS of some sort, I guess. It was only at the end of the evening that I added all these elements up in taking notes, wondering where the dynamic went wrong.

We went to one bar to meet folks and it was fine. We each had one beer, then moved on to the next bar. We each had two beers there (my point being that we had 3 beers in over four hours, so we were not drunk), then went with the crowd on a walking tour in which he flirted unmercifully with the tour guide, but I thought it was rather cute. He had this imp face and was really enjoying himself; the guide goddess was a real ham, so they fed each other. Precious. He had that same exceedingly happy look as when he played pool/goofed with my son a few weeks ago.

Turns out, without me knowing, he'd taken offense at me having given him a heads up about another guy at the first bar. Ted knew this guy had stated an interest in me several weeks ago at the Valentine's thing. This guy had IM'd me about two weeks ago and I had ignored it as if I had not received it, me wrongly thinking one guy at a time is enough. Ted said to go ahead and invite him to our table anyway, because the guy is a nice guy. So we included him. No big deal.

I had no idea the scope of his insecurities or jealousy issues. For that reason, I had no idea of the potential scope of the following conversation, which occurred in the midst of an otherwise good time.

Almost an hour after arriving at the second bar with this other guy coming along, too (but Ted strangely sure to get between that guy and I during the walk over), to join the larger crowd before the tour, I finally mentioned the issue I'd brought up in my last post about being discrete because of his desire for privacy, that I figured PDA was out - which was true as far as I could tell, because there's been no couple-y PDA and we'd been there two hours by then. We acted like animated friends, nothing more. Although I didn't realize it at the time (because he kept grabbing my butt - even holding my hand once - and making me laugh during the walking tour as he joked about the PDA concept) he took this all wrong, but I later told him that I know his privacy is paramount in his actions. For example, I had understood his desire to soon stop doing stuff with this group to mean that he didn't want anyone to know we were going out, but I did not know if that was his true intention. He doesn't like people knowing his business. I thought I was being respectful.

After the tour, we went back to the first bar mostly so I could use the bathroom. Lee, the Republican guy with whom Ted had had a big verbal fight was there. (During my and Ted's fight later, I said that he and Lee had argued a month ago and Ted sternly corrected me to say six weeks, so who the fuck is counting and affected? Then he railed on me for pointing out how specific he was being and how it must really matter to him.) Anyway, I hugged Lee; Ted shook his hand. It was good. I figured we'd all be able to hang as a group.

I then realized my parking meter had just run out and asked Ted to go feed the meter, per our agreement that he'd pay for the second half of the evening's parking. He seemed indignant that I would ask, as I was simultaneously incredulous that he wasn't following through with the plan. Finally, per the way we often loudly, jokingly spoke to each other (as in him calling me Bitch or telling me to be quiet), I was silly and yelled at him to go pay for my damn car and held out my keys.

He apparently felt like a whipping boy and refused. So I said I'd go do it myself, because I didn't want a ticket. I was two blocks away doing it myself (and planning on proceeding to another bar by myself in this not-so-great neighborhood) when he came along behind me for a shouting match. Well, it was a one-sided shouting match as I had nothing to shout about. He'd had a difficult evening, I spoke to him and joked the way we always do, he misunderstood my intentions, and I apologized for what I said and how it was taken wrong.

Not good enough.

I also said my feet hurt from wearing boots and I didn't want to walk to the meter if he could do it in tennies. He countered that at the beginning of the night, he commented on my square toed boots and I replied that they are more comfortable with the extra room in the toes. From this, he felt I was lying that after four hours on my feet and a walking tour that I wasn't justified about the rest of my feet hurting. Man, my feet don't follow the rules.

At one point after I was tiring of the verbal abuse, I interrupted him and pointed out how he was yelling and I wasn't, that it was reminiscent of his parent's house, him yelling being precisely what he said he was trying to avoid. (He'd previously said he feared marriage because he did not want to recreate that atmosphere and had repeatedly over time asked if I yell, which I don't. This concept is a big deal to him.) I didn't use the word hypocrite, but it is what I meant. I also told him to notice who was speaking calmly, logically, and rationally, the very ideals he criticized and found lacking in his previous arguments with women... and Lee.

He'd also heard something in the bar that I didn't say. His ears heard me say something about him and therapy to get over the situation with Lee - or something - within earshot of Lee (in a noisy crowded bar?) I don't know where he got that from, but by the time he brought it up, I could not recall having said anything. (Heck, when we saw Lee, Ted and I had just left from sharing the men's single bathroom in this hole-in-the-wall bar - the women's was locked and he'd wanted me to see the graffiti anyway. I had to go badly after the tour and could not wait, my point being that we were in the midst of levity when this transpired.) Ted was mortified that I would say anything in front of Lee and later blasted me for saying he's sensitive. Also, I pointed out that on the ride over, he himself had just said his ears aren't what they used to be, that he was frustrated about his hearing.

A lot of stuff collided and I am still gobsmacked. Others would be pissed that this occurred in public in the midst of a city square with lots of pedestrians, but I'm not. I guess I'm more embarrassed for him, the public-conscious one throwing a fit. A newly dating pair from the group came by and talked to us, Ted being the one to fess up that we were arguing, as I would not be admitting it. That guy, a really attractive and polite yet interesting guy, had parked right behind me and had kindly gotten Ted and I an umbrella to share. I joked to him I preferred standing in the rain, as there is not an umbrella large enough.

We drove in silence back to my place - it was big of me to even have him in my car and that was part of the discussion beforehand, too - I did not want to drive him home after the way he'd spoken to me. Just before we got here, I summarized with some of the stuff above. With his silent treatment, I saw him blink his eyes in agreement (or so I choose to think, heh.) When we got to the parking spaces, he said nothing more than to ask me to let him know what he owes me - for the MP3 player I bought and loaded for him this week, for a couple weeks of food on Wednesday nights he'd planned to reimburse me, for gas/parking/whatever from the evening. I'd already calculated it as I drove, but he wanted an email with it "itemized or whatever" because he didn't want to deal with it at the time and I said I was telling him right then instead. I refuse to have to earn that $50 or $70 (depending on what he wants to follow through on) he owes me; I will not grovel for it because I have more dignity than that.

Cheap ass dick.

He walked toward his car and I nicely and sincerely called out, "Bye, Ted," and got nothing in response. I didn't give up trying, but he'd dug such a hole he could not get himself out.

Guess it's better to understand his character now than two years from now, huh?

Seriously, though, it didn't have to be this way. He has some misplaced ego problems and a sincere need to lay blame when anything goes wrong, while I am always trying to figure out the dynamics to see what were the roots of what happened so they don't happen again. We're generally good communicators, but there were some serious break downs that his pride made terminal.

Heck, even if I apologized for something specific, it is not that I think I am wrong overall and I think that's where his bruised ego got bent further. Innately, I think he wants a woman to behave irrationally so he can blame her for the tendency, then he's given free reign to behave irrationally himself in return. I guess he's never been with someone smart or eloquent enough to not yell back or to have the audacity to step back in perspective to call him on it all. That's where my label as bipolar bites me in the ass; I'm usually the evolved, centered one while others act crazy but expect crazy out of me instead.

I guess another, another, another one bites the dust.

I feel on top of this right now, but I also feel there is no hope. I loathe myself for keeping on trying this dating crap.

ETA: I decided to leave him a phone message to say I am sorry how things played out last night, that I am sad today, that I hope his mother is alright, and that I hope he is feeling better.

I do not want ice between us when we see each other again with the group, but I suspect he'll stop going. Entering this 'more than friendship' phase, I repeatedly told him that I just don't want to hate him, meaning that I didn't want a relationship to go awry, because I really did enjoy him more than anyone I've gone out with in some time. Remember, he was the first one my therapist ever heard me compliment as someone who I really liked how he spoke to my son.

Last night, I told him that I was angry at myself for liking him. He took offense at the angry part and did not focus on the liking part. Then I countered that it is natural for me to feel this, as I have been seriously betrayed and took the risk of letting him in.

I really don't want to hate him. Seriously. He had a bad night.

Quite thoughtful

Ted considers himself to have good insight and I agree. Sometimes he's a couple steps ahead of me and it really feels good to be taken care of. I don't always have to be the smart, progressive, observant one.

A week ago when I was there on Wednesday evening, he had the ceiling fans on in his bedroom. And I sneezed myself to death. When he asked if I had a cold, I said I didn't, that I suspected my nasal distress was from the dust streaming off the fans. I commented the week before that the massive bunnies on the blades must be a guy thing.

Not only did he promptly turn them off, he later told me he thoroughly cleaned them in the coming days. When I was there this Wednesday, I was blissfully unaware of not sneezing. The next day, he drew my attention to it, asking if I'd sneezed and saying he'd dusted and vacuumed right before I got there, too, plus sprayed to get the dust down. Wow. Just wow.

That is so incredibly considerate; it creates just the right attitude for blow job reciprocation, now doesn't it? He made observations and followed through on getting things more comfortable for me. He's not even the allergic sort, but he was conscious of what it means.

He really does have some great qualities, but moving slow is also very good as well, what I need. Probably what he needs, too.

Tonight, we're meeting a group out; some we know, some we don't. It'll be the first time seeing any of them without us honestly saying, "We just rode together. We're just friends," although I am happily unsure what we really are. He's so very private, I'm sure he won't want to be public about any definition of us, besides carpooling buddies, which is absolutely fine by me. I don't need to be a 'couple' in anybody else's eyes, as I am quite content for now with our definition of 'couple' during our expansive phone calls and in his cozy bed for our DVD picnics.

Come to think of it, I should probably bring it up in the car as we're driving in order to get his take, as I don't know what to do with the idea of PDA. Goodness knows, I don't do well with PDA restrictions or mandates. There, I had to go and make this complicated. Damn high beta.

I guess that's good news

I got my ADHD test results.

-1.8 considered positive for ADHD

-5.5 my first score, off the scale for ADHD
-4.5 my second score, not at all the improvement the Ph.D. wanted

-1.3 my third score this week, considered normal on the low side

It is so laughable that I want to cry. I am not unADHD all the sudden. I prepared for the test and had specific strategies, told her so, too, except for the aromatherapy part. Because of what I told her, she said she'd like me to be able to increase my speed and keep my accuracy, so she'll keep me on.

[Ted told me this evening that he can see where it'd be tough to be my doctor, because I'm probably smarter than they are. heh. I can't help but to like him.]

She wanted to wean me down to one session per week, but I asked for more, as in two per week. So I'll be scheduling the next twenty visits tomorrow, followed by another ADHD test in which I will use no aromatherapy or ear plugs, i.e trying to mimic normal life during the test, unless normal life for me actually translates to forever walking around with a bottle of pleasantly scented oil to apply around my nose and yellow foam sticking out of my ears.

Maybe the next block of sessions will help it all stick, seeins how I'm pretty much cured and all now.



Edited to Qualify whilst trying not to be flip:
Neurofeed.back is considered a way to train your brain to compensate for many ADHD tendencies, meaning controlling things like the sleepy waves (alpha and theta) that overtake concentrating waves (beta) when the ADHDer tries to think/perform, especially the mundane - or in my case, clean my house, pay bills, do taxes. In Ted's case, it means studying for a test. Of course, it really isn't this simple, but it is remarkable for many people.

It's not that I don't think it works. Not at all. But, per my usual course of events and my personal black cloud, it is not working in a grand fashion for me, despite me performing better on the test. I cannot generalize to my overall life how it went on that test - my focus/concentration occurring in a darkened room with no distractions - to regular existence and normal/abnormal stressors. It will take considerable more practice for the tiny skills to become routine skills, if that is even possible for me.

The frustrating part is that I know how hard I try on everything and this is something I was led to believe I didn't need to try on, that it would come. Hook me up, give me beeps, and my brain would know what to do. Not. I am so very hardheaded.

After 20 sessions of rolling with it, when I went in for my second test, the one I didn't improve on like Ph.D. wanted, the receptionist asked me beforehand if I'd had a light bulb go off/big differences. I said I could tell miniscule things, but nothing life altering. She seemed surprised in almost a condescending fashion, that most people have marked improvement by 20 sessions, definitely by 23 or so. Yeah, I felt like a complete loser and drove sobbing to my therapist afterwards, completely upended. [I related this stuff to the Ph.D. yesterday on the phone, so I feel better to have gotten it off my chest, but it feels so very awkward, too.]

I decided then that if this will not come to me, I must go to it.

Nothing is ever easy for me. What I've gotten only came to me after I worked very hard, but even then it is slow and not profound.

That's what I want, profound. I may have to settle for a smidgen.

Tricky

My son and I love board games. It's great one-on-one time. I often give them as gifts to him, but sometimes I'll get one just 'cause.


He can now whip my butt in Connect Four. It's embarrassing. I used to cream him. I guess that's how he got better. Goodness knows, I am too competitive to coddle.


Him being so mechanical/military vehicle oriented, he got Battleship a long time ago. In my frenzy to always win, I remember fearing him not reporting accurately whether B3 was occupied or not. It led to a lot of frustration on my part, because sometimes B3 was occupied, yet ill reported, and it took me many turns and a lot of divining to find out. I can trust him now, thank goodness.

He's a math kid. Grids are more natural to him.

It's well established that he's not the best in the verbal/reading/spelling spectrum, so I decided to surprise him yesterday with Parker Brothers Hangman. Games are great for sneaking in skills practice. Yahtzee is how I learned to multiply.


As you can see, Hangman looks amazingly like Battleship and I soon had the same fear.

We began with simple words. He chose "plane" to begin.

The next word, I had such trouble figuring out that my man got hung. I believe I had it down to A _ _ _ B E T. I had visions of being on Wheel of Fortune and being laughed at for the puzzle's simplicity and my ignorance.

So, my son won and he was very proud of himself. Anxious, I got to experience the reveal.





A _ _ _ B E T

was

A L F U B E T

Yeah, and there is no battleship located at B3 either.

Not wanting to be ripped off or put to pasture

First, I forgot and am carrying around the rings in my purse, still. Showed them to my therapist this afternoon and looked again at the estimate for the center stone. I'd mis-remembered by close to a grand. So it is a nearly $10000 set they wanted to give me under $1500 for it. This was the first time she'd seen the set and she was absolutely gaga. Could not believe they were giving me a mere $90 for the wedding ring. I think she was close to claiming it herself.

She feels I did the right thing not leaving it. I think if I sell it on ebay for only $1 more, I will have avoided this jewelry rip off store their unearned commission and not lost anything further in the process.

What I figure they should have taken into account is that I already made them over $2500 a few years ago with the other diamond. They have lost a repeat customer in which they USE MY ASSETS TO EXPAND THEIR INVENTORY FOR FREE, TO THEN MAKE A COUPLE GRAND OFF OF ME. Now THAT is good business sense.

Second, in other pertinent news to my psyche, I took the ADHD test again this morning. Although my self reports afterwards sucked royally the other two times I took it, this time I truly feel I did well. I remember once before in tallying my errors during the test, because I am so overfocused and am compelled to count, I actually stopped adding at 14 errors. This time, I only had 7, excepting for any the machine felt were too slow in response. I'll admit to wanting to slow my response time today - the first time I was at 60th percentile in speediness and the second in the 85th. Such speed is not necessary, as accuracy is weighed equally against it.

Based on my previous experiences which could serve to aid in my test taking (which makes the whole fucking thing invalid anyway), I made some changes. This time, I wore ear plugs. I also cheated a bit and put some soothing aromatherapy oil on my nose and hand, thus introducing a new relaxation variable. Fuck it. Between all the variables, I was consciously aware of better concentration and ability to control my frustration at incorrect responses. In other words, I did not have the domino effect as I made errors. Or so I believe.

The Ph.D. is off on Wednesdays, so I have to get the report by phone tomorrow. She is scheduled back-to-back Thursday, so I have no idea when I'll find out more. Although Ted joked to loosen me up that I'd learn the results next week or next month even, I requested that I learn before Friday (her other day off) because I go to my doctor Friday afternoon and that was scheduled specifically after the ADHD test. On Friday, my doctor may prescribe a med that lowers high beta and brain chatter; I'd tried a different med that does that several years ago, but it gave me successive shingles lesions for about six months. Maybe the new would work. Like I need another prescription.

As a last resort, and because the EEG officially diagnosed me as ADHD, something my doctor previously refused to believe, I will try some ADHD stimulants. I would have to do the cheap generic ones which are tougher to regulate (ie, not extended release), but I HAVE to do something productive to get my life in order.

My therapist was insistent today that the Ph.D. would not cut me off, even though it sounded that way the last time I took the test. With what I've read, 80-90% of people respond to these treatments, so I fear being in the balance. My therapist, who knows how vulnerable I feel as a gratis patient not knowing how vesting the biofeedback people might be in my welfare, believes that it would be unethical for the Ph.D. to leave me hanging. Regardless, I fear her wanting to cut her loses because of things she's already said.

To outline the progress I have made and presented in my written survey to them today, I'll outline some good:

1. Most ADHD people read and re-read passages in books, with reading comprehension suffering. I have had to re-read passages much less, thus my attention and focus are better.
2. Despite coming off my sleeping med, I have generally been able to get 4-6 hrs a night, particularly the last few since I added soy for the hot flashes.
3. I have been able to curb negative thoughts, able to tell myself to not go there. This was especially evident this morning as I was mentally preparing myself for the test, stuck in a city-wide traffic jam. No, I would not have been ruminating about the traffic as I have enough other crap to think about, but I did well not ruminating about anything else, either. This means my high beta is coming down and I can control it better. Putting in Bach's Brandenburg Concerto helped, too.
4. Okay, there was a fourth. It'll come to me. Damn ADHD.

For most people, a light bulb comes on by 20 sessions, almost definitely by 25 sessions. I am now at 40 and I have no new, clean windshield to view life. I can see little inklings, so I am not a lost cause, even if I am a tough case. Some people take 60 or 80 or 100 sessions. All I can say is that I have the time if the Ph.D. has the ethical inclination.

Phone, rings

I think he has a phone phobia like me.

I decided to call around dinner time at his house, figuring he would not be home from work yet. I was surprised when he answered and he was very glad to hear from me. He mumbled about getting ready to call me. Then he asked question after question about stuff in my life because we hadn't talked since Sunday.

He said he was just about to go to his mother's to fix her some dinner; he did that last night and it was a big hit. The woman is quite hard to get along with, but she mostly just wants company. She does have neighbors who visit, but she needs more.

So I told him to be off to his mother's, then he kept talking and asking questions about my day. Oh, that got me started about the jewelry store and I told him he really needed to go. I made him hang up and tend his mom, even as he kept trying to talk. He said he'd call when he got home.

I assume he's home by now. It's 11pm. No phone.

.
.

About the jewelry store - they called yesterday and said my estimate was ready, so I went by there today after my Old and Esteemed Woman's Organization luncheon. When I saw the estimate, I was flabbergasted and was quite verbal about it. The ring (total 1.4 ct, with center at 1.04ct; engagement band has center plus 4 smaller diamonds, wedding band has 5 smaller diamonds, all set in platinum) cost $5000. The appraisal that came with the diamond said $7100 and the $1100 bands were supposedly worth $1800. So, it was almost a $9000 set.

Although I'd gotten about half value from this store on a previous diamond (.96ct, value $6000, paid $3000 in a 18K setting w/2 trillions, got $2500 for the diamond alone) and was satisfied, the sales guy when I dropped it off said to not be surprised if I got 1/3 of what this one is worth. Going in, I'd figured half of $9000, so $4500. His statement knocked my expectations down to $3300, or so I thought. I told him then I was surprised, but he didn't know if there'd been a change in policy.

Well, they said they'd give me $1400 for the engagement ring and $90 for the wedding. Yup, almost a carat and a half in platinum.

So I asked to speak to the appraiser and spoke of my surprise, particularly in comparison to my previous experience with a smaller diamond in no setting. She said they changed their consignment system from before. She said the appraisal that came with the ring is not to believed, that they are essentially trash. I was told that the setting is gauged as scrap, so it is worthless. She said she cannot appraise at wholesale because they are selling used jewelry in that showcase and people expect it cheap. I said it is nothing out of their pocket for them to sell my rings on consignment. They don't pay me until it sells, then I've made them a couple grand. She said they are doing people a favor by selling their jewelery. It is a business decision. I replied that they are using other people's assets to boost their own inventory and that's the part that's a good business decision. Using others is fine, not taking advantage of others.

I'm still mad.

As I was saying that I wanted to take the rings back, the stoooopid sales guy asked me if I wanted to put them back on!?!?!?!? I replied that I want nothing to do with them, that's why I brought them there, I do not want to touch them, put them in something for me.

Idiots.

I refused to pay their $20 evaulation fee.

I can live without $1500 better than I can contemplate someone profiting like that from me.

Sorry, DD. You said to take what I could get. I feel a distinct need to profit from P a bit more than that. I've lost so fucking much already.


ETA:
Ted called about 11:20 and we talked for two hours. I guess I am too impatient. He is wonderful for me to unload on - for example I have my biofeedback test in a few hours and am quite nervous, yet he can joke and make me calmer. I like him despite what I don't like. He listens to me without judging. Priceless.

I feel relaxed, like I just left a good biofeedback session. Nice.

Frustrations, expectations, and trust

If you tell yourself that life goes on, does it really?

I am so very stuck in the mire. Tomorrow makes two weeks since THE phone call. I feel like I have suffered an eternity. I honestly hope he feels the same way. I cannot shake it, reliving it constantly.

Guilty, I want to substitute one man for another as the needed diversion. I'd thought of Uncle Fester as my rebound guy last summer and was fine with that. He certainly brought more drama than any mere rebound guy should.

As it turns out, Ted was my rebound guy from Luke (although that is overstating it a good bit) AND he has the distinction of being my re-rebound guy from this latest mess that I'd thought was pretty much over. I worry it is unfair to him, but I have been completely honest about things, so he knows all and is a big boy. Of course, there was no way entering anything with him that I would have known what would transpire.

I guess our friendship is so off the wall that I don't know how to classify it. Generally so spontaneous that he can't commit to making plans, he's actually begun to default to us seeing each other, to include things like meeting my son and I for pool and darts last weekend. For him to plan several days out is a huge deal; he doesn't like to commit to anything in advance, although I consulted with him and I ordered NetFlix comedy DVDs for our Wednesday night tryst.

Maybe tryst is over-stating it a bit. We have sex in the Clintonian sense, relatively satisfying for us both, but not what I really want. I am getting frustrated. Yet I feel I must be respectful, I suppose. I don't really know anymore. I am in the 2 week PMS zone with these damned bcps. And I slept like shit last night.

Although he definitely enjoys my company in general and will talk for hours by phone even daily, he still has this aloofness that I can't penetrate if he is not actually present (in person or on the phone) with me. I can call both of his phones and get no answer, but often cannot leave a message because his demented mom has used up all the mailbox space - he saves a bunch as proof if he needs it one day. Then I figure he'll see evidence of a missed call anyway, but he later says it didn't show up and he didn't know I called, that I should have tried back again. I figure trying four times in an afternoon is plenty, isn't it? I hate the phone and am not so good at the etiquette. Or, perhaps I am too good at the etiquette and expect too much?

This all brings out a not-so-good feeling. I realize I am now going to have trust issues for some time and it is difficult to project this on an innocent bystander like Ted, but I cannot handle the feelings of rejection, be they justified or not. I hate the phone, but he always asks me to call. Sometimes I make it such a point to tell him he must call me and it becomes a thing, but then he says if he forgets, then to please call him instead. Or he'll finally call after midnight.

Last night, I called once. It was 8:45 and I was able to leave a message. I guess he was away in lala land. I figured the ball was in his court, so refused to try again.

It's not that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's that he's a Myers-Briggs "P" "Perceiving" just like me - no sense of closure, no sense of time, fritter away hours and not realize it. He is unable to overcome it, whereas I have been anal about being on time and remembering the times of specifics that I overcompensate and become too Myers-Briggs "Judging." I truly wish he would compensate somehow, sometime.

I really resent feeling that I am doing all the work and operating outside the box like this. This is my "Perceiving" in action, being so flexible, but it is wearing.

For example, I called each phone on Sunday, but got no answer. This could mean he's at his mom's where he doesn't answer. Later, I pressed about it when we talked, because I told him that I irrationally feel rejected when he doesn't answer and he sheepishly said he was watching TV. He's a CSPAN junkie and maybe there was something important on. (This brings up the white lie issue that I am still reeling from over the newly reopened wound.) It was mighty big for him to admit about hearing the phone and watching TV, but it stings. I abhor call screening; it is so disingenuous and distancing, things he swears he does not intend to be. Am I being too hard?

It's also that he's an introvert like me and doesn't want to be disturbed sometimes. Yeah, me, too, but I extend myself.

Me with my trust issues and him with his aloofness, well, they are beginning to cancel out the fact that we otherwise can get along beautifully and can spend three hours on the phone or all night and all day talking.

We're missing the boat, but I don't know if it's sinking.



PS - The cat had seven, count 'em, seven slices of roast beef yesterday. Overnight, she would eat none of her regular cans of fish and shrimp, puked phlegm everywhere, the turd. So now she's already had three slices of roast beef. And I thought Fancy Feast was expensive.

Sunday scoop...er pooper

I hope there is a reason I can figure out for my awful mood. I've barked at both Ted and my son, whilst I was simultaneously able to rein in a good bit, because it could have been worse. It's rare that I'm grumpy and need such distance.

I hope the biofeedback didn't wire anything bad in on Friday. It could also be PMS, as these new bcps seem to have made PMS worse the last few months and it unfortunately begins directly after ovulation time, so it lasts a while. Or it could be reduced sleep from not being able to afford sleeping meds and wishing biofeedback would kick in and fix things, which it has a little. (Last night, I begged off as tired to Ted, which was true.) Or it could be a side effect of coming off the sleeping med which doubled as a mood stabliizer. Or it could be the good ol' menopause kicking in, combined with the nightly hot flashes waking me up.

Speaking of which, Ted asked me with a grin last evening, "Your face just got really red. Are you having a hot flash?" Of course, it has been well established that I'm only having them at night, so he was needling me. Why is menopause and a cranky woman open season for all, not just Ted?

I think the soy pills have made the 4-5am heat waves less hot just since Wednesday - lesser hot flashes w/out the point of having drenched sheets. That was a good $4 investment. I am taking them twice a day for a while to get them in my system.

On Saturday afternoon, I took my son to see The Astronaut Farmer and it was excellent for the two of us to see together, a great family movie. At one point, Billy Bob said of his father, "I need to find a way to forgive him." As always, statements like that strike a chord with me. I am not so good at forgiveness and letting go, if you hadn't noticed. I'd hoped so much that the biofeedback would help my endless brain chatter, but it hasn't. I wish I could stick the disqualifier "yet" on the end of that, but perhaps I am losing faith in the face of another test coming up Wednesday. Right now, I feel like I am training myself toward a test instead of the symptoms. I am terrified about being dropped by this program I am getting gratis.

Getting relaxed is so fucking stressful.

Plus I need to forgive lots of hims. Forgetting would be even better. Brain chatter.

Saturday, we also went to blasted Toys R Us again, trying to find just the right thing to spend J's gift card on. He finally settled on a kite and I got one, too. The plan was to fly kites today, but it's mid-afternoon and I haven't gotten myself together yet. He is such a relatively patient kid and I know I fail him sometimes.

[ETA: We got out there to fly kites and it was fucking cold. We got them both up, but mine was easier because it was essentially a pillowcase with baffles, although the wind was probably too strong for it. My son's kite is an airplane with little support sticks and it was more difficult to put together and to fly, but he did, then gave up and flew mine instead while I bailed and sat in the warm car. Then we went by a Red.box and got Flus.hed Away, a flick he saw with his dad, but Oro said it was so good, I figured it was worth my time and it definitely was. Imagine being a star (in fact, I read recently where one of the leads, Hugh Jack.man, and wife had two miscarriages, said fuck that pattern, and adopted two kids) and being in non-kid movies all the time, then getting a voice part in something your kids would love. I think that'd be cool. I've always wanted to do a voice part in a cartoon.]

At least the cat is doing fairly well. After being ill on Tuesday morning (she has a couple hours where she goes both ends every couple weeks and it may have to do with her kidneys or liver), she's gotten her strength back steadily all week and she's a geriatric good. Her new favorite thing is deli roast beef. She's become quite the beggar. The vet, in essentially saying she's going to die very soon, said in her condescendingly compassionate tone as we left the office, "Feed her whatever she wants." Now that's an easy goal. The cat has had three slices already today. Yup, she's on her death bed, but is quite happy lapping up the roast beef and running around to bug me to death about giving her more.

I think the vet is uncomfortable about the idea of geriatric animals and their owners with the way she behaved. It makes her say stupid things.

Maybe she's going through early menopause.

Pause = stop, right?

Biofeedback is quite comprehensive. They can wire something in and then wire it back out.

A couple decades ago in studies establishing effectiveness, they would take a couple hundred ADHD kids, program out the ADHD from their heads and behavior, then program the ADHD back in, only to finally get rid of it completely in the third phase. This was to show that it worked and it was not a placebo effect. Such unethical practices are no longer in place, as it is not too nice to dick with subjects like that.

Neurofeedback has had some interesting side effects for me. Perhaps it made me manic, or it was the cold medicine, or it was the thyroid dosage. It has given me headaches. It has made me sleep so hard I drool. It has also made me euphoric to the point of tears and relaxed to the point of tense knots in my back disappearing for several days.

Each appointment begins with an interview in which they ask for any effects since the last appointment. Lately, it has been headaches and/or relaxation. There are a couple relaxation wirings that hopefully will reduce my brain chatter and these are what they've been concentrating on, not the ADHD per se.

I'll learn in a few days if the last 20 sessions have helped the ADHD; I had a tiny bit of improvement after the first 20 sessions. If anything, I learned that I have to work diligently on being calm during the silly test (22 minutes in a dark room with a clicker and a dumb computer test, staring at the screen and clicking after specific screen changes - I honestly think any sane person would be considered ADHD) and not over-reacting when I know I've missed something. After my last test, the Ph.D. remarked that I do not handle stress well, according to the test, and that I do not perform well under pressure. Well ... duh! I have dozens of blog readers who could diagnose that at a distance! Now fix it, you sweet, but ditzy, over-educated genius.

Because they practically ask me my last BM in my self report before each session, this week I thought to talk about another symptom to the 55yo tech who wires me up each time.

I asked, "Can the EEG training cause night sweats?"

She began to giggle. "Nooo, Cricket. That's hormones."

I told her that for a few months, I've woken up sweaty between 4-5am almost daily. Some days, it is so bad that my pillow, Porky Pig jammies, and sheets are soaked.

Simultaneous to starting EEG, I got on bcps to control endo and regulate my cycle. Now I am wondering if they made menopause more acute somehow. What a double whammy - bcps and menopause while I'd rather be TTC. Insult to injury.

I just asked my mother on the phone about the timing of her menopause. Of course, hers stretched out over over a decade, although no other women in her family had things so drawn out. She began around my age, if not a bit earlier, and continued until her mid-50s. Hers severely affected her moods (shocker there!) and ERT really helped to stabilize her. Well, that and ever lovin' Pro.zac.

The EEG tech suggested soy protein, so I began taking that Wednesday.

It really sucks being old and infertile. And so juvenile as to have ADHD. Oxymoron, indeed.

Waddle waddle

Julius' Travels in the South is one of my favorite blogs. He doesn't update often, but it is a treat to see it pop up in my reader. He works for months at a time in Antartica and has tales of life in the isolated cold. Plus, he has great penguin pics. Check out the most recent one - potty humor in the Deeeeeep South.

I probably got his link originally from one of you. Consider this the best props I could deliver, as I don't remember how I found Julius.

All my eggs

Goodness knows, I had all my eggs in one basket in my previous long term relationships. Although ADHD people are supposed to multi-task well, I prefer to date one guy at a time. With my schedule of not having random evenings or each weekend off, I think juggling would be very stressful, as I think it would be tinged with lies and half-truths.

That said, I need to do a better job of it so I don't feel so attached, then suddenly unattached completely.

Last evening, I spoke over an hour with Owen, I guy I'd talked to once before. We've had an IM conversation going; we haven't seen each other because he's been traveling/receiving visitors on the weekends I've been free. I gave him a time block to call, after J left with his dad and before my planned weekly 'picnic' with Ted. I told Owen I was going to a movie with a girlfriend and my toes curl at the lie, but Owen is very considerate and I do think he'd be happy with 'just' friendship. He's kind of the engineer type, not fluid with words, but I am realizing his analytical side has a lot of depth. He's a good guy, just don't know if he's my guy.

I then went to Ted's. We now have a Wednesday night routine where I order NetFlix he's been wanting to see, or in the case of this week a flick he wanted me to see, and we eat on a folding bed table on his high, huge bed. I bring my portable DVD player and it is quite cozy. Last week, we got Chinese. This week, I brought my favorite shrimp salad and made wraps. Dinner was superb.

He's been wanting to see Crash and I know how much he would enjoy it with its Pulp Fiction-y overlap of stories, Ted of the ADHD multi-task. The first time I'd seen it was in the theater with L and P. L cried like a baby, the story of the kindly, jovial black thief reminding her of her boyfriend. Afterwards, P commented on the main thrust of the whole movie, a line by Matt Dillon's crooked cop character to the effect, "Don't judge. You don't know what you'll be capable of in the future." My, how those words ring true.

That concept is one third of what I take from the movie. The other two ideas are that everybody is a racist because labels are so easy to sling. The other is that everybody has/does both good and bad; it only depends on which moment you catch them.

So the movie was good, but then we were bad, still not completely bad, but still very satisfying. We're so good at talking and good at hanging out nekked that his fears about P-given disease don't make me feel bad. Great feat, there.

Shortly, I will have lunch with another guy. I'll call him Cooper. He and I had an email relationship before I began with P. He was stationed in Bos-nia and came from not far from here. His wife had cheated on him, his business was in turmoil, his kids suffering. He had a hard time and called a number of times from Bos-nia. In fact, around Easter three years ago (while I was with P, but I told him about everything) Cooper sent me a care package of Bos-nian lace, wine, folk art, etc and I still eagerly await its arrival. Such was customs out of Bos-nia.

When he returned stateside and lived locally, he emailed me and I said I was engaged, that I'd preferred to not see him. When things turned here, I emailed him last fall, but it bounced. Alas, he emailed me last week. He mentioned dating and seeing someone, but I don't know the degree of the seeing. I'll find out today.

Which means I really need to get my hair dried and clothes on, but I wanted to convey the state of the stable and how there needs to be a stable right now. The risk is hurting Ted, as he'd tried to call twice while I was on the phone with Owen (Ted usually doesn't get home until 7:30, but he rushed his little butt home early on my account), but I didn't fess up to Owen this time. Ted knows someone has called in the past and asked me out for Valentine's Day, but there was no reason to taint our evening together telling him more than he needed to know.

How do women really juggle men and do so with integrity?

ETA: Lunch was a moderate success. We had a great time talking and catching up. He is a very sweet guy, cute in a shy kind of way, a mountain boy. When he finally spoke of his relationship, he said they've been going out a little over a year. I guess that rules out casual. At the same time, he drives 2-3h each way to spend the night with his kids every other night. I do not see how the woman he dates bears it. I could not. Alas.

As we were leaving, he went to his car and brought me a bottle of Bos-nian wine to make up for the reverse care package that I never got. At the same time, he said to let him know if I wanted to go to lunch in the future, please do, because everyone needs all the friends we can get.

Why did that rub me so wrong? I know he's taken. I know he naturally wanted boundaries. But the friends comment made my face sour or fall or look odd all the sudden and then his did the same in return. It was subtle, but there.

I don't know if I'll ask for lunch again, but I emailed him thanks. Perhaps he ruled himself out of the stable completely. Too complicated.