Friday, March 09, 2007

I guess that's good news

I got my ADHD test results.

-1.8 considered positive for ADHD

-5.5 my first score, off the scale for ADHD
-4.5 my second score, not at all the improvement the Ph.D. wanted

-1.3 my third score this week, considered normal on the low side

It is so laughable that I want to cry. I am not unADHD all the sudden. I prepared for the test and had specific strategies, told her so, too, except for the aromatherapy part. Because of what I told her, she said she'd like me to be able to increase my speed and keep my accuracy, so she'll keep me on.

[Ted told me this evening that he can see where it'd be tough to be my doctor, because I'm probably smarter than they are. heh. I can't help but to like him.]

She wanted to wean me down to one session per week, but I asked for more, as in two per week. So I'll be scheduling the next twenty visits tomorrow, followed by another ADHD test in which I will use no aromatherapy or ear plugs, i.e trying to mimic normal life during the test, unless normal life for me actually translates to forever walking around with a bottle of pleasantly scented oil to apply around my nose and yellow foam sticking out of my ears.

Maybe the next block of sessions will help it all stick, seeins how I'm pretty much cured and all now.

Edited to Qualify whilst trying not to be flip:
Neurofeed.back is considered a way to train your brain to compensate for many ADHD tendencies, meaning controlling things like the sleepy waves (alpha and theta) that overtake concentrating waves (beta) when the ADHDer tries to think/perform, especially the mundane - or in my case, clean my house, pay bills, do taxes. In Ted's case, it means studying for a test. Of course, it really isn't this simple, but it is remarkable for many people.

It's not that I don't think it works. Not at all. But, per my usual course of events and my personal black cloud, it is not working in a grand fashion for me, despite me performing better on the test. I cannot generalize to my overall life how it went on that test - my focus/concentration occurring in a darkened room with no distractions - to regular existence and normal/abnormal stressors. It will take considerable more practice for the tiny skills to become routine skills, if that is even possible for me.

The frustrating part is that I know how hard I try on everything and this is something I was led to believe I didn't need to try on, that it would come. Hook me up, give me beeps, and my brain would know what to do. Not. I am so very hardheaded.

After 20 sessions of rolling with it, when I went in for my second test, the one I didn't improve on like Ph.D. wanted, the receptionist asked me beforehand if I'd had a light bulb go off/big differences. I said I could tell miniscule things, but nothing life altering. She seemed surprised in almost a condescending fashion, that most people have marked improvement by 20 sessions, definitely by 23 or so. Yeah, I felt like a complete loser and drove sobbing to my therapist afterwards, completely upended. [I related this stuff to the Ph.D. yesterday on the phone, so I feel better to have gotten it off my chest, but it feels so very awkward, too.]

I decided then that if this will not come to me, I must go to it.

Nothing is ever easy for me. What I've gotten only came to me after I worked very hard, but even then it is slow and not profound.

That's what I want, profound. I may have to settle for a smidgen.


DD said...

A cure for ADHD?!

Wow. The next thing you know they'll have a cure for infertility and homosexuality.

(I'm being flip here, people.)

Glad you are able to stay on the program. I hope the next 10 weeks go even better.

DD said...

Did my comment come off wrong? I'm sorry but I'm really fucked up right now. Ignore me.

Cricket said...

NOOO! Not at all. I realized that I was being flip in my original post and didn't explain well due to my own frustration. It truly does work for other people - for LD, Asberger's, Autism, Anoxia, Depression - many things. I'm a tough case and I hate myself for somehow being so resistant to what can amount to a cure. I desperately do not want to be in that 'special' 10-20% it doesn't work for.

Sorry, you're not in a good place today, but really you didn't bug me. You know better - I do really well at bugging myself.