Friday, March 30, 2007

Bring on the forgiveness

We interrupt the "Because" pictorial series for this announcement...

Alpha Theta Training is supposed to be emotionally healing for wounds of the psyche; it is often used to treat addictions and PTSD. The benefit of AT over hypnosis or talk therapy is that all the crap doesn't have to be dredged up again. It just happens spontaneously instead, almost like a tangent.

I've had close to 20 AT sessions. I find they relax me and are more productive than the other forms of EEG biofeedback (regardless of the fact that AT isn't specific for ADHD treatment) and, thank goodness, the Ph.D. generally lets me. She of the ADHD antsiness herself made me try some other things after about a dozen ATs and I fiinally had to tell her they didn't work as well.

For the last three or four AT sessions, I have worn headphones. Although they're mono and I wear a plug in the opposite ear, they intensify the sounds I'm supposed to hear (gurgling water for Alpha state and rolling waves for Theta state, plus bells or gongs) and block the misc office noise that I find so distracting.

The situation with the headphones is kind of like bringing on a blessedly hard orgasm after you've been marginally satisfied with fizzlers previously. Now I often get a rapid succession of images, things I can't identify, but they bring such a general release. The relaxation can last for some time, up to two days. I can judge this by the muscles of my shoulders and back, how long they stay loose.

On Wednesday, I had a new sensation and it was very unexpected. My mother closed on a new home this week. I am so proud of her and all she's been able to do on her own. During that AT session, I was filled with such overwhelming, glowing, warm love for her, I began to cry. Wow, what a concept, to love and respect my mother and to feel it so deeply as to cry. Then I moved on to forgiveness, for her personal demons that prevented her from being a good parent, plus for her merely being human.

I mused whom else I should forgive. I tried with my father, but didn't do that well, and moved on to my sister, forgiving her for reacting to the same background and foibles as me.

I went on to ex and how I could forgive him for us basically not being suited for each other.

And I wondered whom else was left to forgive. P, of course. He'd tried to enter my mind previously, but I shut him out. Finally, I allowed him in my consciousness. I balled harder with this one, forgiving him for having no backbone and truly being a victim of his upbringing, never able to rise beyond that.

I fully realize that each case has a backhanded element, but I think it is best to forgive someone for who/what they are rather than make light. I have hated the excuse of being human to explain people's faults, but I need to accept it.

Forgiveness has been a conscious goal for some time, but I am entirely too mired in the past to do it. Perhaps I can do better now. It's days later and I am still filled with calm forgiveness. I never anticipated it to happen, but I hope I can keep it up.

Let the forgiveness stick.


Well-heeled mom said...

Good for you on this progress.

I have really enjoyed your pictures over the last few days.

I hope Memphis is doing well.

DD said...

I find forgiving one of the hardest things for me to do. I just hold onto things. If you are finding moments to forgive, then these are moments moving you forward.

h2o girl said...

Wow. You sound so peaceful here, and so wise. I hope these good feelings continue.

Cricket said...

Yeah, it stuck for three days. Even had a physical element, a warm glow radiating from my solar plexus.

I really want to get it back, but I took this week off of EEG for Spring Break.