Thursday, March 22, 2007

Working on it

We are in cat withdrawals around here. Yesterday, I realized that I am severely touch deprived. J is kitty kiss deprived. In fact, I kissy-kissy-kissed his shoulder yesterday morning in an ill-fated attempt to make him purr. He kinda shrugged and stated that he misses kissing Sad!e, too. She had a great head she'd bow for kisses.

I've looked at a couple pet stores that house rescues. The costs vary tremendously and, of course, the one(s) we want are $135 each. I've inquired about a multi-cat discount and found out who to call tomorrow. J said he wanted to take $50 out of his savings at his dad's to help toward the cat and then came home with $60 this morning. I kinda doubt that his dad went to the bank, so I guess ex is contributing, too.

A different rescue outfit showing a few cats in another pet store chain only charges $85 each, but has a manifesto of an application which states that writing down your vet's name constitutes permission to contact the vet and make sure that all the care is up to date. If not, there is a $700 penalty fee. Although I don't believe they wouldn't check up on things without cause, I would have to have that hanging over my head.

Another rescue place only houses cats in foster homes, so it's more difficult to see them. They don't have another adoption day for a month, but adopting two from them is only $99 total.

There is a county shelter that only charges $45 for cats, very reasonable.

None of these require a home study (heh), but many others do.

With the application process of the $135 one, the earliest we could have them is next week. Problem is, J is already attached to Neme.sis who will be renamed Mem.phis, a black version of Sad!e with his slender build and quizzical gaze. The other, who I met today for the first time, is A.aron, a b/w tuxedo cat who just acquired his name in the last month and will potentially become Geron.imo, after Jell-A-Mo and Moe.

I am also working on the lawsuit stuff. Huzzah! I called my insurance and they are looking to re-open the case; they seem to have extra interest when a law suit is involved. I am figuring to know something by next Friday.

I also inquired with my old credit union to see about my account and a loan. Turns out, my account was terminated, but for some stupid reason J's wasn't, so I am re-joining through him. Once processed, I can apply for loans immediately.

This is all significant progress for this terminal avoider.


Lastly, I didn't get laid last night. I decided to work on a facet of our relationship. There are three areas I want to address: trust/honesty, hair.piece, and finances/cheapness. I figured doing one at a time was enough.

I told him that the way he declared himself ready for sex made it all momentous to me, inhibiting me and making ME sexually shy even. The way it was transpiring made me visit more fully questions I have. I specifically said I had red flags and have gotten burnt in the past by not being more forceful about red flags. He feels strongly that I am holding baggage of my last relationship over him and it isn't fair, that he had no other girlfriend, isn't cheating, etc. I said those aren't even the issues. I don't like when he's evasive and can't even tell me his age or height. He countered that I could just look at him for either, but my stated point (and Richard's) is that he won't come clean on the most basic things and how could I trust him on something bigger. (And he didn't even take the opportunity to come clean then.)

I also said that when I ask him where he is when he calls (he called on Tuesday, unusual, during the day to try to prompt me to take care of the calling I needed to do - a sweet and caring gesture) and he responds, 'here and there,' it is not appropriate. He drives around the county with his job; it's not that I am checking up on him, but I do expect answers within the context of a conversation. Unfortunately, I've learned to not push him for answers; meanwhile, he asks me about everything and I chat away. It is quite lopsided and I am sick of it.

He says he asks all the questions and I need to ask more, however I believe that one offers up what they can in a conversation and it should not be contingent on specific questions. I am also learning that when someone asks you a question, their real goal is to be asked the same thing back.

I am making this conversation sound more civil that it was. He has a bad ADHD habit of taking a small, tangential detail, going down the slippery slope, then making a joke about it. I feel unacknowledged and demeaned, unable to go back to my original point. I did raise my voice (not yell) and I did get frustrated.

He also kind of plead at the outset that things are going really well, so please don't get all serious in bringing up a topic for a deep conversation. He couldn't get past his okay-ness to see my doubts and realize the only way to dispel my doubts is to talk.

By the end of that conversation, he admitted that it is very difficult for him to open up and he knows this is a problem, that he will try to work on it. He always concedes after a while, but it is so stressful to get to that point.

Norma, who I talked to today, countered that he ought not give me his baggage concerning trust about opening up. Tit for tat in her book.

While I am no nonsense about dating, he is what I call 'best behavior' dating where you have this honeymoon period which is fun but lacks fundamental truthfulness and initiates bad habits for down the road.

For the third facet to be discussed, I want to talk some here about the cheapness issue, as I cannot afford us dating. He kinda wants things split 50-50, except I am on a fixed income and it isn't possible. On Saturday, when he, J, and I spent 13 hours together, I chose not to create a scene two different times relating to money and I have not had the chance to bring it up, because I believe one topic was plenty for the discussion last night.

We'd gone to play pool/darts. There is free pool until 4pm, so I had to turn in the balls then to get my license back. I had to settle up for our pitcher of beer and nachos, plus J's kid's meal and drink. It totalled $32, including tip. I went back to play darts and told him that I'd settled up.

We ordered another pitcher, but I only had one glass. When it was time to leave, he said something to the waitress about the previous tab and I said again that I'd paid already. He didn't ask how much and I didn't volunteer.

Later, we went to a diner for dinner. The basic bill there was $28, almost identical. He looked at it, then turned to me and said I should get out cash to cover the tip.

My jaw dropped perceptibly and he asked what was wrong. I could not fathom how he didn't know what was wrong. I didn't want to have words in the restaurant or in front of my son.

But jeez, isn't that tight? That's something you do in college, split the bill and tip.

As it was, he'd met us at the train show, so he only paid his $6 admission and got over on the $9 it took for J and I to get it.

See, I can't afford chauffeuring duties and $50 each time we go out. (In fact, he's still not paid me for the $50ish I told him he owed me after our 'feed the meter' fight two weeks ago.)

He asked yesterday what I am doing this weekend, because J will be gone and I just stared blankly and replied, "Nothing." Rather than take the bull by the horns, he offered nothing in return, as he is incapable of planning something in advance and making such a commitment. As it is, I don't think I can afford going out with him.

I do not mean to make him out to be an ogre, because he does have many redeeming qualities, not to mention that I seemingly make him very happy. He gazes at me so sweetly. He generally fawns over me and it feels very good. I fear that the things that don't feel good are terminal, or that I have to work too damn hard to affect change.

ETA: He just called and asked if I'm still angry. I said I was never angry. So he asked annoyed. And I said I wasn't annoyed. I was trying to get something straightened out and, if I didn't give a shit (to coin his phrase from two weeks ago), I wouldn't bring it up. He seemed to understand, however, in a bonehead move he didn't need to revisit to the past baggage claim again, but he did and I told him it was irrelevant and he needed to get over that.

I am guessing he walked around on egg shells today. Good.

He did fess up to a single's group friend (who I also know and had an email relationship with about four years ago) that we're going out; the guy called him today. The guy invited us to a gathering next Friday, but I have my son. I hope Ted goes anyway. Ted also mentioned to him that we play pool/darts a lot and the guy was very interested in joining us. The guy is a cutie pie who loves to dance, a real Romeo, but with a philosophical depth to his partying self. I like him, although we don't suit. He's been married about four times and maintains a lot of relationships with exes etc (read: fuck buddies) and, goodness knows, I'm not up for that type. But, man, he can fill out a pair of Levis.


Well-heeled mom said...

Call me old fashioned, but I don't like being expected to pitch in on dates. I'll offer to pay, and often did when we were dating, but it's nice to be wined and dined, too.

Cricket said...

Oh, yeah. I get wined and dined, Honey.

Wednesday night I ordered a 6" sub, so that was $3.50. Right before, he'd bought Miller Lite beer on sale (2 cases, always in bulk, of course) and had that for refreshments. I figure two cases at $11.99 each will go a pretty long way. I brought the NetFlix (free to him) so we had our typical cheap evening. I don't mind our Wednesday DVD picnics on his CA King, but jeez, I'd like more.

Last night, he bought a bunch of stuff at a wholesale club (would not say what when I asked), getting enough to justify buying the club membership. Must have been a lot - requring the bucks and requiring the storage.

(I do not see the benefit of buying three of those multiroll paper towel things, totalling about 24 rolls, enough for two years, but you have to store it - saving all of $5. Give me a break.)

He is addicted to shopping (keeps sale flyers on his counter to refer to all week, running hither and yon to get the deals - it is his hobby) and spending money on stupid, useless things, but he can't show a girl a good time. I don't ask or expect much, but splurging on a 6" sub doesn't count.

And he wonders why I don't have any plans for the weekend. I can't commit to something I can't pay for.

I went through similar with P - if I suggested it, I had to pay - from pro hockey for four to many sessions of pro tennis. I can't get in this rut again.

BTW, kitty A.aron was temporarily removed because of a runny nose (kind of makes the decision for me), so I might get M.emphis this afternoon, even though J goes to his dad's this weekend. The rescue org requires a vet visit w/in 72 hours and I think that could be the most painful part. However, I got an appt for Monday at a different vet and they have free first consultation/exam.

Anonymous said...

Let's see if I can remember my password. I tried to leave a comment last week, but couldn't cuzz I suck at memory.

I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sitting at work right now trying not to cry my eyes out. Just last Wednesday was 3 months since I put down my own dear kitty and I'm sure I can only begin to understand what you and your son must be feeling. I've loved reading about her and remember one of the first entries I read being about training your deaf kitty.

I remember Harley laying next to me with her head on my pillow best as well. Sometimes it still feels like she's there.

(Yeah... Still can't remember my damned password and it won't let me publish a comment linked to my other journal. WTF Blogger?! I also tried to post this to a different entry, but was again told to fuck off. Maybe Blogger just hates me?)


DD said...

I wonder if it's because of our much more rural setting, but if anyone wants a kitty here, we just check the ads for give aways (some a litter at a time). Sad, really.

Good for you on the lawsuit!

"Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free."

Unfortunately, this saying appears to be literal when it comes to Tight Ass Ted.