Monday, June 05, 2006


I thank you so much for visiting and commenting, but I must ask something for the first time in almost two years of blogging. I've seen others make similar requests on their blogs concerning the nature of comments, but I never expected to feel so strongly so as to do the same here with readers I sincerely care about.

For perspective, please consider this happening with P as being akin to a miscarriage. Perhaps I knew there were congenital defects, perhaps things weren't perfect or going as planned, perhaps I suspected it was ending, or perhaps I even chose to end it, but it still hurts and I must mourn, question, rage, bargain, cry. I am not happy it's over even if there is heard a collective sigh of relief. It does not feel like the loss was for the best. Rest assured, I am not relaxing either.

Further, I do not wish for another baby. I do not even wish to be pregnant again. I wanted this one to be perfect, to be the right one. I am not ready to even consider a next. There is no next. There is no readiness. I don't want to move on.

I need to examine and maybe validate two and a half years of my life and waning fertility. I should not default that it was all for naught, that it was all troubled. It wasn't. I was quite flip and angry here when referencing him sometimes. I needed the outlet so it didn't spill over to him. Obviously I successfully contained that around him in trying to make things work, because I truly cared for him, loved him, and even felt the desire to nurture him to the point that I thought it would be best psychologically for him if he broke up with me. That takes a lot of heart, but my heart is wounded and bleeding, in need of care. There were many good things about him that I don't think I'd be able to find again. I had never felt such acceptance in all my life.

I thought my grief was more clear in my last post. I said repeatedly that I am floundering and I have been for months, drastically so. I need to go through all the stages of grief and not worry about comments concerning redirection or finding another. I don't want judgments any worse than I can already pin on things myself in my veil of tears.

Please respect that even if you don't understand it, dear readers.


Donna said...

I'm sorry I missed your last post. This blogging thing is difficult sometimes...we put ourselves out there and sometimes what comes back isn't exactly what we need. I think everyone is just struggling to find a way to say we are here for you, not judging or telling you what you should do or feel. Of course you are in a grieving process! That's a given, and we all do it differently.

Shinny said...

I hope that you are able to work through this all and come out whole in the end. I know that break ups are no fun, I have been through enough. Like you said a break up is similar to a miscarriage or a loss of any kind because it is a loss in your life. Just know that it is really nice in Wisconsin in the summer if you need to get away. We can let our redheaded boys play and we can talk smack and drink wine. Let me know when. ;)
Take care of you and hopefully J is back with you to help ease some of the loneliness of an empty house.

Anonymous said...

I hear you. You don't want to think of anyone else, or anything really being wrong with him because right now you are grieving. You need that. You deserve that. I'm hear if you need to talk.