I thank you so much for visiting and commenting, but I must ask something for the first time in almost two years of blogging. I've seen others make similar requests on their blogs concerning the nature of comments, but I never expected to feel so strongly so as to do the same here with readers I sincerely care about.
For perspective, please consider this happening with P as being akin to a miscarriage. Perhaps I knew there were congenital defects, perhaps things weren't perfect or going as planned, perhaps I suspected it was ending, or perhaps I even chose to end it, but it still hurts and I must mourn, question, rage, bargain, cry. I am not happy it's over even if there is heard a collective sigh of relief. It does not feel like the loss was for the best. Rest assured, I am not relaxing either.
Further, I do not wish for another baby. I do not even wish to be pregnant again. I wanted this one to be perfect, to be the right one. I am not ready to even consider a next. There is no next. There is no readiness. I don't want to move on.
I need to examine and maybe validate two and a half years of my life and waning fertility. I should not default that it was all for naught, that it was all troubled. It wasn't. I was quite flip and angry here when referencing him sometimes. I needed the outlet so it didn't spill over to him. Obviously I successfully contained that around him in trying to make things work, because I truly cared for him, loved him, and even felt the desire to nurture him to the point that I thought it would be best psychologically for him if he broke up with me. That takes a lot of heart, but my heart is wounded and bleeding, in need of care. There were many good things about him that I don't think I'd be able to find again. I had never felt such acceptance in all my life.
I thought my grief was more clear in my last post. I said repeatedly that I am floundering and I have been for months, drastically so. I need to go through all the stages of grief and not worry about comments concerning redirection or finding another. I don't want judgments any worse than I can already pin on things myself in my veil of tears.
Please respect that even if you don't understand it, dear readers.