Thursday, August 13, 2009

Honest evaluation

I don't drink very often anymore, just a beer with dinner out, because another thing I don't trust is my ability to judge properly about drinking. I hold my shit too well and I think last night qualifies as that. I perceive that I'm in more control than I am.

I came here to a safe place. I didn't do anything to get in trouble, but it bugs me that I pined over someone long gone. So I am embarrassed at the depth of emotion that leaked out.

I had kept my near hatred of him in place until he started checking my art blog. The first time in late June was an aberration to me. He only stayed 90 seconds, didn't even make it to the main page, but did exit via the profile, a frustrating page to me b/c it doesn't really serve a purpose. He arrived googling my full name, so it was pretty specific.

The second time was mid July and he didn't look much further than the first.

The third time was a few days after my (and his daughter's) birthday. He stayed six minutes and looked all over the place for the first time.

I know he's proud of me; he always appreciated my art and was very supportive, something I'm not genuinely getting now.

I think his drinking is in control b/c he's lost a significant amount of weight. He's down to what he weighed when we met.

He says in a note on fb in one of those list memes going around that his favorite vacation was Co-sta Rica. I don't see any evidence of them going, so I can only assume that was with me just a few months before I started this blog.

Of course, I don't know if he's checked my fb, but I did mention him with distain in a similar meme last fall. If he went back though my notes, he'd see that. I suspect he hasn't, though, b/c my art blog publishes there, too, and there'd be no reason to google my name to arrive at the art blog b/c the blog address is on every post. Then again, maybe that's why he stayed on the blog such a short time? I know he can see my fb, b/c I finally decided to join the local network, regardless of him, as a "see what you're missing" moment. I have it severely limited as to what a network person can access, but fb frustratingly doesn't include enough options to be blocked, like notes and pictures.

I was fine without him. Had checked his fb when I began last October and he didn't have one. I then checked in March and was surprised to see it, begun in January. I don't think I checked it again until he began looking at my art blog in June. You might remember I've been through this blog visit thing before with a (minor) ex checking the blog and it bugging me. After enough time elapsed, I sent it all to her in an email and there were no more visits.

Gosh, I desperately don't want to contact him, but I don't like where his visits put me.


Kellie said...

Maybe curiosity is just curiosity. I'm curious about my ex's, and oh dear god, I don't want them back! But 3 times would make me wonder... Maybe stats are a bad thing?

Cricket said...

Smooches to you, my lovely!

Yeah, three times in six weeks is weird. Norma figures he must be going through a rough spot. I figure his wife has worn out her welcome, as he does tire of relationships without giving warning - his admission to me. He was actually shocked we lasted like we did b/c his meter would have usually been capped out earlier than later.

It is eerie. That's all I know. And that it makes me unsettled.

Kellie said...

You could always send him a friend request on facebook ... that is definitely a door opener. (It might be a closer as well.) I would take it as a open/breezy way of saying your open to communication. It might be therapeutic for you in that you may realize you truly don't want that back in your life again either, or you may realize or come to terms with the fact you really didn't "END" things. Either way, it could be very telling.

Imagine the message it would send to his wife if she saw the two of you "become friends". (I'd probably have to do it just for that reason! LOL)

A wine confession is just that, a wine confession. It doesn't have to be anything more. Glad your back to using this blog as your "outlet" - I've been wondering how you were doing.

PS. Look me up on facebook, I tried finding you but I didn't find you with the email I have.