Thursday, August 20, 2009

Down to a crawl

I called a clinic today. I'd sought by email a few referrals, got none, so I climbed the long ladder to the high dive alone.

And plunged.

I was quickly told that most places have a cut off of 42, but they have 45, actually until 46 arrives, so actually only about 13 months ago for me or about seven months before Bea and I met.

When I asked if they would just test, she said they might do a clomid challenge, but it didn't matter, because they would not use the information. She then referred me to their donor program.

At this point, I don't really can't embrace the thought of another child, but I absolutely and fully feel the pain Bea has in wanting another. I have been there. Bea's walls are induced, though; she is not infertile in the least. She has been pregnant a number of times with losses, but she has gotten pregnant both times the first time she tried with insemination. She mostly just doesn't want to be pregnant again, however if she used the donor vials she has, her son would have a full sibling.

I especially do not want her to decide to have a child with someone else and to have a visitation arrangement. That child would not feel like it would be mine. Then again, I honestly do not know if I could birth via donor egg and donor sperm and feel like it'd be mine. I don't want to birth a little stranger.

Of course, I did grow to love P's daughter, L, but I never considered her mine. With Bea's 4yo son, I know I could love and care for him, but he'd never be mine.

Seems, though, that something ripping your cooch to shreds should feel like it's yours.

I know people do donor stuff every day. I know some people are desperate enough for children to put aside their own genetics. I don't see that as me. J is a cousin of Thomas Jefferson and Jimmy Carter. I would not have any historical links or tales for a child born of a donor. For a genealogical geek like me, that plays large.

Last night, I did thumb through the donors online. They seemed like lovely women. Of course, I was quite critical of the writing samples. I'm such an intellectual geeky snob. Only one did art, but other things precluded her. I liked one, cute kid, but then she said he had a big nose.

I don't like shopping this way! It's ridiculous!

Bea is texting me about someplace else she found online. Pandora, I tell ya.


Kellie said...

Like the old saying goes - when one door closes, another opens.

Sorry the answers sucked.

Anonymous said...

I am fine with the answer. I am not fine with how it is affecting Bea. I hope this desperation mode doesn't continue. The only reason I looked into it right now was b/c I'm not getting any younger. It was not that I want a baby right this instant, particularly when our relationship has other priorities. I think that fire is burning in her, though. I do believe 45 is a liberal cut off, but she thinks money talks, so she wants to continue the search. Regardless, I told her that I am not traveling distances and staying away from home to do it, so that limits the options further. The only compromises I could fathom would be me using a donor or her carrying. Although perfectly good options, I don't think either will happen.

Well-heeled mom said...

It's good that you realize your boundaries. It would probably be different if you had no bio children. We just wanted to be parents. In weighing out our options, the biggest likelihood of that happening was adoption. I can't imagine loving any child more than I love mine - and we don't share DNA.

Anonymous said...

I respect that completely and absolutely. It is a route Bea would consider as well. I honestly am not very driven to have/raise another child, so I am not that interested in getting creative. All this could change, though. I don't know.

And I fully understand this need she has. She is in an infertile spot, a place I well understand!

Val said...

This reminds me to get writin' - it's so therapeutic for me - to explore my "adoption that wasn't", another old sore spot between P & I...