Monday, June 23, 2008

She's called a number of times

I wrote this last evening...

I tried to wait until she was in an appropriate, private location on her trip to her cousin's, but she pressed and pressed until I responded I was not sure about us being together. She quickly got off the phone and quickly called back, asking if she'd heard right about me dumping her. I told her that we're very different people - I am proper with good manners and she is the opposite. She's pretty much, "Yeah, so what?" I guess the uncouth don't value couth enough to appreciate a difference. She didn't see this as good reason.

Although I really wanted to as additional justification, I didn't quote my insightful son as calling her obnoxious to round out my explanation, as if one were really due. I just repeated many times that we're not right for each other, that I'd like to be friends and be cordial, do the chat room or a party simultaneously, that I do enjoy things about her, that she could bitch at me about her mother. She exclaimed that she could not fathom going down to that level with me, that it would be impossible with the way she feels about me. I find this odd in that she is supposedly friendly with all but one of her exes.

I told her that she is different on the phone, more calm. Her in person is more like her chat room personae. I hope that part sinks in, but I suspect it won't. She is not how she thinks she is. She is that silverback gorilla bullying everyone around her, except me. I knew that before long, it would be me, too. BTDT.

She said she'd told me that she wanted to be with me, that she still feels that way, and said I said the same to her about wanting to be together. She asked if I was lying about that. Well, I'm not so sure about saying something that definitive, but I said/implied I wanted to try things with her, not that I was committed to being with her in 35 years. You date to try things out for the moment. Sometimes it progresses, sometimes stalls. Sometimes it doesn't work. When you're not in close contact, everything is skewed until you are.

I was very patient helping her to work through this and answering her questions, which I do fear will be twisted as she relates it. I realize I don't have to be kind, but I feel it's best in the long run.

I asked her about the financial part. How could she come here for over 3.5 weeks with less than $250 in her pocket? (On my walk with Norma a bit ago, I added up the various funds I know she's received in the last few weeks and that totals at least $600. Where did that go? What did she assume?) I asked her intention about the trip/money. Did she come here just expecting me to pay for everything, particularly after I specifically told her I couldn't? What sort of vision did she have about it? She replied that she had no vision... no surprise there. She didn't think that far ahead. She didn't come here expecting me to support her? No, she said, she doesn't operate that far in advance. She said she really needed to leave town/home and this was her chance, that she should have gotten another credit card to provide financing. I think she is lying about the money and forethought. She is a schemer about money.

I think this truism comes into play: It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. When I confronted her Saturday, she immediately ranted about how she'd fucked up, but supposedly she didn't realize anything before then.

I told her that, although I'd drawn a line about paying for the rest of her vacation, I didn't want to leave her high and dry, that I'd pay her $25 airline ticket change fee she'd balked about before. When she pressed on and on, because she was babbling entirely too much, saying she already owes me money and she couldn't accept $25 more, I said it is more practical of me to pay $25 than to pay $70-100 a night for her to stay locally, that I want her safe and in a good place and I'm willing to do what it takes to make it happen. She certainly squawked at that, focusing on the $25 vs $70-100 part and I warned her not to put a spin on that; she knew my real goal is to help her and get her home safely. I know that my intention isn't what she'll take from that exchange.

She interrupted and wouldn't let me finish when I said .... oops, will finish later when I finish the car check up.


Gianna said...

ick...sorry you had to deal with that...sounds like you did a great job and that you are very kind.

brite69 said...

Well, I've just caught up and I'm sorry to hear that things went so poorly. I was really hoping that everything would go well and you'd have a great time.

You amaze me with how well you keep your composure. I don't know that I'd be able to handle myself in the manner you did.

evil-e said...

You got the manners of most guys with her and the can't let go function of most girls...yikes.

Apparently this one was experienced with the idea of dating/seeing people. Good job on handling that with about as much class as you could muster.

Ron Southern said...

Good God, girl, leave her high and dry and quit thinking about it. You're going to politely think yourself into a sink hole. Some people will devour all of your kindness and deny that you've ever been nice to them.