Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The ball of wax and house of cards

Yes, I called P this morning. I only had about 20 minutes before I needed to leave for biofeedback, so I figured that was enough. I sort of had to cut it short, so it wasn't enough. But it really was.

I began with my script, which included blocks containing [PAUSE] to remind me not to talk too much. Of course, I did talk too much, but he was fucking blown away by my knowledge. I feel redeemed. He is fucking sweating right now and I am a storm gathering.

He didn't say a whole lot to my questions or observations, but he really seemed to want to catch up. I will try to summarize here, but I know it'll be haphazard and out of order.

Hello P

Oh, hiiii

I was trying to reach you last week, but I guess the weather kept you away.


Yeah, how are you doing?

[And then my brain exploded b/c that wasn't in the fucking script!]

So, Happy Valentine's Day


Thanks, same to you

To both you and Sharon...


Uh, yeah, thanks


[By this point, my voice was shaking and I really, really need my script.]

I am calling about something very specific. I have a health concern that involves you having unprotected sex with two women at the same time.


I need an honest answer about exactly when you first had sex with Shancy.


You don't need to know that....
I don't remember....
What health concern? [said is I were being stupid or dramatic]
Why do you need to know?


P, if you won't tell me, should I ask Shancy?

Why would you want to talk to her? [angrily and protective - more of himself than her, I think]

Then you tell me. I need to be able to trace my symptoms and potentially inform you if I need to. You're the only person I had unprotected sex with, so it is a valid issue.


Ok, January. After what happened at Xmas.
[My therapist thinks this is entirely too convenient of the "We were on a break" sort.]
[Some time after this, I responded that I'd tried to get away from him at Xmas, how on earth could he keep pursuing me?]

January? You mean you had both of us for six months.


Does Shancy know about me?


Does she know that our engagement ended in June?


Does she know that you married her a mere six weeks after proclaiming your undying love for me?


So, if you're being honest about January, she didn't give me HPV?


Yes, P. Remember the paps and biopsy? Remember I said it was from the wart on your left leg and you swore that you only touched it with your left hand and you only touched me with your right. [Naive, huh?]

In about a year's time, I had four infections: HPV, which you do have and you have passed to Shancy if she didn't already have it, plus BV twice and Group B Strep. Remember, we took the antibiotics in January for BV, which is when you claim to have started with Shancy? You could have given it to her and given it back to me. Then, you could have given me her Group B Strep to boot. I have been very worried about my immune system. Your tainted dick spread all kinds of crap around.

[Kaboom. Bombshell.] [FUN!]

Then I started into the really pissy 'you cheated on me, asshole' crap and it felt wonderful to get off my chest. I told him I had the opportunity to cheat, but I didn't, that he is just as low as L's mother, who cheated on him. His 'one woman man' claim is worthless.

I also questioned the January date, telling him that they worked in the same town together two years ago and I wondered if they'd been going on all that time. Silence. What I suspect is that January is correct, but he had connected with her at some point well before that. She was a baited hook to him; she may or may not have known about me at all. When everything went down at Xmas, he went fishing, perhaps telling her that we were over and she knew none the better.

As some point, I told him he was being too quiet, that I didn't want to do all the talking. He replied that it wasn't the right place for him to talk, so I asked if I should just call him at home instead? Nooooo! So then he'd open up.

I said something about L's mother, who is merely in addition to two other wives. Two others, right? Or is it more? And he did not respond, so I know I was absolutely on track. [I strongly suspect that at least one other of these wives cheated on him, because his aversion to cheating ran so deep, sort of like he combined stories for a condensed version to tell the next women. Too bad he didn't internalize it, huh?]

I also said: Just like the burden you carried about L's mother cheating, I will carry this burden forever, too. Do you not realize that? How am I supposed to feel that my fiance cheated on me, that his girlfriend moved because of him while we were still engaged [remember I mentioned before her reunion profile page which said she lived way up near her work on 2/19/06, but it said that she was in a "committed relationship" (as opposed to her Yahoo account which was last updated 1/23/06 on which she said "single, not looking" - I had not put those together before to get the date) - jeez, I'd wondered if that was my fiance she was committed to last February? By golly, it was! I bet she received Valentine's Day and Mother's Day flowers just fucking like me! I'll also bet that she received for Valentine's Day - or Mother's Day - the 3 stone white gold necklace that I'd rejected at Xmas - then again, that would have been mind-spinning soon, but hey! he's capable], that he moved in with her three weeks after I forced our break up, that he pledged his love to me all summer and yet married her only six week after I insisted that our last contact be our last? How the fuck am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to trust? How can I ever think I'm a good judge of character again? You fucked me coming and going.

So, I ranted and he listened largely in stunned silence. To this stuff, though, I goaded him into saying something at least... that he wishes he could undo it, wished it had not happened, wishes he had not done that in January, but he can't undo any of it. Oops! It is out of his hands. Honestly, he was a bit too nonchalant for my tastes.

In there someplace, I commented on his lack of backbone, that I'd tried to finish with him at Xmas and he jumped right back in afterwards. Why couldn't he just let me go like I wanted?

I said it's very convenient for him to think that he could take it all back. I told him he fucking wasted my time and left me with diseases. Now he's all newlywed happy lalalala and I'm left with nothing but hard feelings. Baggage.

He never apologized. That would have helped, most definitely.

I am thinking that she truly does not know about me, not that she just doesn't know about me since that Xmas.

I spoke about how hard I tried with him, how I was so patient and not nagging. One cannot nag the unemployed to get a job or complain to him about a difficult job (which was combined with the needs of a girlfriend on the side, of course); I was patient instead and it was construed as a lack of effort on my part. I defended myself, saying how fucking hard I tried.

He whispered that he knows how hard I tried.

I said he blamed me for wanting him to take over some relationship responsibilities when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism and very tired, that he blamed me being sick for me not trying, but it took him ten months to fucking break down and tell me.

I talked a bit about football. I'd gone to 2.5 years of crap and I was quite jealous and angry that the team was good last fall. He was quiet and I told him he should be laughing, so he did on cue. I wondered aloud if he'd thought about me, as I'd requested J and my jerseys from him so we could go to games. I didn't go, but I sure thought about surprising him at tailgating or a game. Now that would have been a real SURPRISE, huh?

I stunned him. I was running the show. He knows that I could go to games or tailgating at any time. I want him to be scared. And I am glad I didn't learn about Shancy that way; I'd have been floored. I like having all this knowledge now and the position of power.

Some time in there, he overheard my cat and asked nicely about her, then asked about my son. I cordially updated him. I also told him that dating is very easy, but I really dislike the chase, much preferring the catch. It's hard for me to introduce J to men I date; I'd rather be attached.

In this line of thought, I also chastised him for railing on ex, who at least waited 15 months before he remarried. P should be ashamed that it only took him four. He is no better than anyone he criticized. No better.

A little later, I asked about his daughter, then purposefully dropped some more bomb shells, as I had been doing all along. I asked how L was doing (asked about her swimming even though I knew from the school website that she didn't this year) and he said she's doing very well - straight A's in fact. [My therapist definitely feels this is saving face; she feels strongly that L is one screwed up kid and would not turn around so drastically.] So, with my doubts, I ooo'd and ahhh'd, asking how that happened and he said he wished he knew. Then I asked how she likes having step siblings. Um, he said, it's alright. So I baited a bit and said how weird it must be to have a step sister your own age.

This proved to be too much. It was the last straw of a lot of knowledge.

He exclaimed, "How do you know this stuff?!?!?!"

I calmly said, "It's pretty easy. It's all out there. It's just out there." And I elaborated no further.

I had shown plenty of cards and I had trumped him.

By the end, he said, "Well, besides the health stuff, it was really good talking to you, um, regardless of whether we talk again." I figured then and throughout he was trying to make nice, to give me warm fuzzies so I would not contact Shancy. I also think he feels like this marriage is over and his emotions are going to turn tide, if they have not already. That's how he's built. He's been busted, big time.

I responded, "Yeah, next time, you call me. Or I'll definitely be letting you know what other diseases turn up."

Afterwards, I called my best bud, Richard. He'd helped me with the script and I appreciated his input. He was glad how good I felt, but strongly cautioned me against talking to Shancy, that I got my revenge, vindication, whatever. Leave well enough alone.

I had therapy right after that, part of the reason for my timing, and told her the conversation. She was basking in it, but I told her I felt less good with the holes she poked (January and L's grades), however she knows his lying ways and could be right. I asked her if me calling him was revenge or taking the low road, per Richard. She felt very strongly that it is healthy to confront someone who wrongs you, that I had every right to try to corner him and to ask questions, even if he wiggles out of accountability. She also feels that I should contact his wife. She says that she or I would want to know if our prospective husband was cheating on us for months, that she rearranged her life for a lying cad with at least three previous wives. She also deserves to know about the diseases b/c P won't fess up on his own.

I also spoke with Norma, who said she probably wouldn't want to know, but she is the perennial Devil's Advocate to anything I say. She said she could not bear the thought of breaking up someone's marriage. I replied that I don't want him and that wouldn't be my choice, but Shancy deserves to know where her HPV came from when she starts having bad paps soon enough. Not to mention, she's carrying around other bacterial infections.

Regardless, P is really sweating right now. House of cards, his own creation. I am so fucking sure he googled his name today! And hers, too, so he'll have some idea of how I know things, that I wasn't stalking him and it took a very little while to learn a heap o' stuff.

He doesn't know I have her email address, but he knows a lot else, so it's not a leap for him to think I could contact her directly, especially if he googles her maiden name and see what all comes up; her Yahoo and Hotmail accounts are merely her unusual name. She made this entirely too easy. I'll be watching to see if her website comes down; it hasn't yet. It's not clear whether he might have known about it already, but I don't think so, because he'd have known where I got much of the info. As of today, he'll know. I don't think he's a clean house/gather the wagons sort, as that implies guilt, so he'll be mum as he gradually (or quickly?) disengages from her. I think he'll ride it out for now and the website will stay....

as I contemplate calling his bluff.


Anonymous said...

I am glad that you got to get all
that off your mind.
I hope this helps you with healing.

And yes, his wife deserves to know what diseases are around the corner for her also. She probably already has some.
He is a pig.

Anonymous said...


I might be seated in bed at the moment, but trust me, I am doing the mortar and pestle dance, hee!

Good on ya.

Donna said...

Holy crap! Too bad you didn't tape it (or did you?). I agree the wife needs to know but I'm not sure it's your place or responsibility to tell her. Maybe just tell her she needs to find out about some health issues from P. and let her drag it out of him. Huzzah!

Klynn said...

Oh, the drama! Part of me is bouncing and clapping my hands and going ooh, ooh, ooh! You know...the part that secretly can't look away from J3rry Spr1nger...

I'm glad that you were able to work on some kind of resolution, though. It's a really hard decision whether or not to contact Shancy, though. I don't envy you that at all.

I have long suspected that my ex had been running around on me for months before we finally split. I'm extremely grateful that it's been ten years and no sign of any shared diseases. I was tested for everything under the sun when I was pregnant with Boog, so I'm very confident that I'm disease-free.

Just to leave you with one well is the BEST revenge. I've been re-married almost 8 years. I make nearly 3 times the salary that my ex is making. We have a beautiful new home and two new cars. My ex...drives an unreliable used car, lives in his girlfriend's (soon to be 3rd wife) house, and she's pregnant, and makes less money than him. Oh, and they still live in backwater-po-dunk rural deep south USA. Makes me very happy to see where I could have been, but took a different road, and ended up much better off.

Well-heeled mom said...

This was awesome. I am very proud of you for making the call, and making him accountable for his actions.

brite69 said...

You definitely have more balls than I do. Good for you throwing all that in his face! I agree that the wife needs to know what P could have and most likely did pass onto her. Hell, if someone were to call me and tell me something like that, I'd be pissed off at the guy, but greatful that I knew at the same time.