Monday, February 26, 2007

Ted's take, my benefit, my researching soul, and being found

As you may remember, P didn't know I have a blog. I considered it my private space so that I would not explode or implode or act what I considered an unadult manner around them and their stressors. I worked out a lot by writing, but I know a lot seemed like Groundhog Day here with the repeating fiascoes. Alas, I am a tough nut to crack when it comes to giving up on a relationship, as much as many of you tried to knock some sense into me. "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" still stands out. I've added it to my mantra list.

Since I began dating again last summer, I have been honest with two of the three men I've seen; they were the ones who asked if I have a blog when I spoke of reading blogs. I released the blog hounds on purpose by telling them, because I do not want to have the burden of this secret again. It's not a bad secret and I am anonymous and relatively discrete about specifics, but I did feel less than forthcoming with P about this and I do think he felt me being pulled by something unidentifiable.

The first guy of the recent lot, Luke, was very curious about my blog, but then he's a law investigative sort. We were even at a social gathering when I mentioned to a web guru guy that I'd read his blog a while back, so then I could congratulate him on his marriage rather than ask his wife what happened to the old girlfriend. He was very surprised to have a reader besides his mother. Funny guy. Brilliant guy.

Luke hopped right on it, saying I blog. Then the guru guy asked what my host is, referring to MySpace and I said more technical, then asking Typepad and I said less technical. So he arrived at Blogspot pretty quickly. I did not confirm or deny, but it was obvious.

The next month, I was at Luke's and he wanted me to look up a movie listing online. I went to use the drop down URL thing on his computer and lo Blogger was in the list. He'd been trying to research me. I knew he had, but there I had evidence, however I couldn't tell how recently or frequently. Yet, I know he did not find me. He had an obvious dial up connection. I'd have known if I was found.

Contrasting this, Ted knows I have a blog, but I learned this weekend that he truly considers it my space. I asked him this morning if he's looked/considered looking for it. He looked me in the eyes and said sincerely, "Cricket, knowing you, I am sure it There is no reason for me to invade that." He knows me well. I am me - here, there, and yonder.

I replied that I can be crankier and bitchier online, but I need a place to sort it out. I generally reserve reactions in person until I can figure out my opinions and a course of action, often done here, a place I value. He's actually pretty sensitive when it comes to yelling, like me, having grown up in a household with too much of it. I am very sensitive to yelling, too, and how counter-productive it can be. P yelled. When he yelled for the duration of our second argument, I uncharacteristically yelled back in such frustration, knowing there was no way I'd be heard. And hated myself for stooping to communicating in that fashion.

With blogging on my side, I know I would have never done so well on the recent situation with P if I had not 1) written about it here as the good and bad was unfolding throughout our relationship because the posts worked nicely for future reference as well as a frame of reference (sorry new readers, but the archives do not reflect much of that) and 2) written thoroughly about my suspicions concerning Shancy and him, which led to more suspicions and research, which led to some pretty solid conclusions I could then voice and have confirmed.

Of course, having an accurate counter with location and ISP statistics increases my overall confidence considerably. Especially concerning my new avid reader.


Klynn said...

Heh. If you haven't noticed, the header over my stat counter says "I'm watching you". My hubby completely respects my blog as private. And he knows the name and url of it, too. He hasn't tried to read it any further than when I say, "hey babe, read this," on a particular post. Besides, I'd know if he did. :-)

So, you have a new avid reader? *wave* Hi there, new reader. Be nice to Cricket...she has a lot of blog-buddies.

DD said...

You are very wise to make sure you remain fairly anonymous (no name, no city, etc.), especially in light of P who may be googling you now trying to figure out if you are "outing" him.

I have to say, I am quite disgusted with the turn in how P's relationship with you really wasn't a "relationship". He used you, and he's using Shancy. Maybe they deserve each other, but you didn't deserve to be the one who came out on the bottom. What if you hadn't stood up to his bullshit? Would it be you in Shancy's place? I shudder at the thought and am relieved that you are where you are right now.

Cricket said...

Thanks to both of you.

To clarify, DD, two things... I don't think they deserve each other b/c they are both dishonest; I think they are both rough around the edges and suit each other class-wise, interest-wise, activities-wise, etc. P had repeatedly asked that I bear with him on that roughness (I can't exactly call him a Redneck, but he bordered on that and ex-Stoner) and he said he'd come around. Obviously, he's a sow's ear and knew it.

Shancy, however, is in a very vulnerable place. On the little quiz thing at her website, it asked what she fears the most and she says, "Getting hurt." I feel really bad for her that that's what she's gotten herself lined up for again with her hastiness. Granted, P is quite skilled at the lying thing and she was duped. What I really fear for is her; she's in a bad place having married him.

Also, I honestly do not believe I came out on bottom. I came out on the side of truth and that feels much better. I do not prefer life with blinders and that clarity is part of what blinded P about me. I was vocal about my convictions.

Besides, how on earth could I be on bottom if I am ultimately P-less. The cream rises to the top.