Trust

This is a multi-faceted concept.

Bea's ghetto upbringing included one trustworthy woman - her father's mother. Her mother and three sisters are cheating, conniving, catting, untrustworthy versions of whores, as is every woman she's ever dated. Once she came into her money, her lack of confidence in this area only grew, but at least she was generous back then.

For these reasons and her unresolved baggage, I have given her some serious latitude. I think she has finally come to trust me and I want her to know that I am breaking up with her for her, not someone else. To clarify, it'll be when I think the time is right.

As far as the money goes, she had given an ATM card to remove thousands a day to her previous partner. Then, her generosity knew no bounds. With me, her generosity knows bounds very well; she makes promises that she will not keep. I have caught her in lies about fake orders and appointments, stuff that didn't need to be offered then lied about. Last year, she promised me a car and house. Now that she's up here, she's talking house again, but I refuse to bite, b/c I do not want my hopes up or to trust her. Further, she does not see anything wrong with her behavior.

Thinking herself generous toward me, she does strange things and plans trips far and wide, then brings no (or limited amount) cards and little cash. Even though we are pretty frugal, we quickly run out of money (once with her two aunts aboard), and I rob Peter to pay Paul to get us out of the jam, then she pays me back exactly the $113 she borrowed to feed her aunts. I shake my head on this. My friends think she has no money.

Same happened for my surprise birthday trip to Vegas recently. She brought little cash and I have no clue about cards b/c I HAD to hold my tongue to not explode b/c I had made one request ahead of time - to have enough money and not go hungry. Of course, we had one meal the last two days on a five day trip that overall actually had few costs, b/c we were frugal with gambling. Who the hell goes to gambling city and is an avid gambler and brings no money? I did have a great birthday, but the rest was pretty meh.

I don't get her. I ask little and get little. Maybe it's my fault.

So now you can see reasons I don't trust her. She is erratic and lacks logic. She swings and I never know where she'll land. Sometimes, though, her lack of trust lands her here. On my computer. In my computer. On my Internet.

I'll admit that part of the reason I didn't come here was my fear of her finding this blog. Now I've change the setting so that no history is saved.

I abhor leaving her here alone, but I do to show trust, then she violates it. You'd think I'd learn. Sometimes I leave home for art things. Whatever. Sometimes she's here for the weekend and I have to go.

In the past, she has looked through all my photos and documents. That was a while back, but one document haunted her and several months ago I had to face that music. Thinking health stuff, I maintained a list of the people I'd slept with, although the document wasn't labeled as such. She began quizzing me on it and I honestly.could.not.find.it. Regardless, the list of my past should not matter to her. Not one iota. However, that fire was lit and I try to keep her away from my computer with a password, but changing user, etc is hard to do on the fly sometimes without looking like you actually have something to cover up.

Generally, I log off all my accounts, even when on my own. I now have a fear of falling in the shower or getting in an auto accident and having my life exposed. I feel such Big Sister mortality now when surfing the Internet.

One day, I left in a rush and forgot to log out of my email. She went through it all. I used to keep everything, sort of as a personal record, but I have since deleted it all. She was particularly incensed about messages from Lyd, who is still a friend. This messages were from long ago and none of Bea's business.

Bea drives me crazy.

She also checks my phone for calls and texts. Over the summer, she found a text to Lyd saying, "next it'll be your hands." For the love of god! This brought days of fighting b/c I could not recall the context. Bea wanted me to do the blind, incriminating phone call thing where she listened in on a conversation where someone would potentially be set up. She'd demanded it before and I always refused. Sheesh, I'm not in HS!

So after about four days, as I was taking a shower, I touched my face and remembered the context. Lyd had traveled to a wedding. She was drunk and texted me that her nose was numb. Then the next text was her face being numb. And I figured it was radiating out and it'd be her hands next. Bea was officially foiled in her idea that I was having text sex, which I didn't even know existed.

You can tell how my life is with Bea. I am always looking over my shoulder and I could honestly do this much better if I were being rewarded somehow. Further, I can see how being with a person like this would cause someone to cheat. But I will not cheat. I will just go away, sooner rather than later.

Hence, my Gay Harmony dabbling to see if there are people like me out there. People who are not cheaters. People with culture. People with education. People with goals. People taking car of their own baggage. People who evolve.

Okay, one final thing. Bea still very much wants a baby and she thinks I'm a stellar mother and she wants to have it with me. She has it stuck in her head that I am over the diaper thing, but I actually fear getting close to a child who is whisk away haphazardly. I finally had the opportunity to relay this recently. I hope she is stewing over it. She has the white picket fence goal, but has the ghetto basis, so she hasn't a clue how to get what she wants. I could give her the white picket fence mentality, but I could not change her to embrace it. She's better at gazing in the window.

Who would have thought six years ago when I began this blog that a lesbian would want so desperately to have a baby with me? And tell me often? And that I'd be so ambivalent about the prospect? That I'd actually be very far away from it? That it skeeves me out to learn over the weekend that she's actually taking prenatal vitamins?

PS - she texted as I was finishing up. Just checked it. She asked if she could live here for a while if she needed a place to stay before she found another place to stay.

It makes my head explode.

I couldn't give an answer; I needed to discuss the circumstances. She refused, saying she just wanted an answer. Again, I am not in HS.