Why?

I have stayed with Bea for any number of reasons.

I want to show her that there are honest people in the world who respect fidelity and uphold their vows.

I want to provide her with the comfort and security she deserves.

Because she does have a good heart under all this baggage, I want to mentor her to be her better self. I am not trying to change her, but I want her to better realize her potential and that of her son and her millions of dollars.

I want her to realize her dreams of travel and to know what it means to have a finer life.

I'll admit that I want her to turn some corner and decide that I am worth the financial investment, in addition to that of time and energy, so that I can be provided for the way I deserve. She's done such with others; she will again, besides with just her family, b/c she does provide for them.

And I do love her. Most days.

Something is especially strange, though. Bea acts as if she has no power and that I hold all the cards. She resents my schedule which revolves around painting dropping off, picking up, Openings, volunteering, meetings, and, last but not least, actually finding time to go outside and paint. I have curtailed so much on her behalf, especially when relating to weekend paint outs and workshops.

As it really stands, though, Bea holds all the cards. She dictates everything. My demands might be according to a time and date, but hers are pervasive of everything else. I remember reading an advice column long ago where someone complained of the elderly aunt, who complained that nobody listened to her. The columnist pointed out that the aunt was who was actually in charge b/c everyone hopped to it around her. I spoke of this with Bea and she absolutely disagreed, but all her rules make me hop and there's an imbalance of power.

Eventually, I need to talk about my lack of desire for sex and to figure out if it is circumstantial or hormonal.

I'm through for now. Of course, there's more, but I'm working over at the Harmonies this evening before Just Desserts comes on!