Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wee hours

I woke up at 1:30. Unusual for me, I actually opened my eyes to look at the clock.

Two hours later, I was still awake, so I finally got up. Again, unusual for me to not wallow as long as possible in bed.

After I had maneuvered myself to try to sleep in a sitting position for my cough, I realized why I was buzzingly awake - another inhaler OD - so it's useless to stay in bed. I've had the cough get progressively worse over the last week and had only recently allowed the inhaler at my bedside again. (For years, I kept it in my pillowcase. Did you hear about the woman who stored hers there along side her .22 and she *thought* she was using her inhaler that night? True story. She lived.) I've also been exhausted and had a hard time getting up in the mornings, both presumably from my erratic thyroid and the heaviest period of my entire life - no exaggeration. Such is menopause - you might skip a month or three, but you're gonna pay.

So the inhaler OD just means I am jittery while I can simultaneously breathe. It's a trade off. I'll use the nebulizer, which I forget I have, when I come down.

Last night, I spoke to my mother about her exMIL, who she never liked. (See previous comments.) When I said I was contemplating a drive across several states to provide some respite care this weekend as my grandmother isn't expected to make it out of the hospital (which I believe is an exaggeration by the staff) due to a hypothetical "event" which will not mesh with her pneumonia or her new found (only by them and not communicated a month ago, not by her own cardiologist two weeks ago) heart irregularieis, my mother stridently said to take care of myself and my own interests, to include my opportunity for retail next week which only comes up less than once a quarter. As I responded to her, it's not the money for the week as much as it is the less fickle vestedness in the future for this opportunity. That and I've worked hard to be prepared.

Besides, she said, your grandmother would not have crossed the street for you, why do this for her?

And she was right. I'd felt guilty that I had not participated in her very healthy three years in nursing home care and I know the circumstances have worn on her two children, although my father has kept himself to a strict once a week visitation schedule until a month ago with her first hospitalization for pneumonia. However, she has three grandchildren within two hours; they are capable and much closer. I can't save the world.

I was really lucky, so to speak, having grandparents in my life for a long time. I had all four until I was past 30 and three until my mid-40s. It doesn't look like I'll make 50 with one, but not many do.

The rain started again. Maybe I can prop myself up for a few precious hours of sleep.