Sunday, August 05, 2007

The way it goes vs. the way I want it

Thanks for a few comments and some support. It feels very sad and lonely here when post after post receives no comments, particularly when there are a number of blogs that I respond on practically every post. I also want the conversational nature here which would lead to additional blog entries that aren't so me focused. I'd like things to be different and can only receive if I ask.

So, about last night...

You know how when your mate sticks out their lips in a pucker, your instinct is to pucker back in a quick kiss as you're on your way out the door?

Well, I fucking didn't expect that out of Ted as I was leaving Saturday night. He was standing by my stuff, so I had no choice but to go near him. When I was still across the room, it ran through my mind that I wasn't even going to hug him like I did all the other people at the cook out, but I got trapped. It wasn't a wet, sloppy, passionate kiss, however the naturalness of it is throwing me. And the publicness. We were in the kitchen with the rest of the stragglers and I'd just hugged the room, yet kissed him.

He was actually polite and mature all evening; even spoke nicely to Henry about his new house. I don't know what's gotten into him. It was sort of like the mature version I saw him transform into after he'd piss me off and make me irrational; him being mature is a manipulative upper hand, but he seemed humble this time. More together. More tolerable.

Although I would not have requested it, he stuck to me when he came to the party late, but that was logistical, as there wasn't any place else to sit. We caught up. It was nice having the fence building to talk about, as it wasn't something that was emotional or mattered. He spoke of his mother's dementia and how close she is to going to the nursing home. (I didn't say that she should have gone six months ago or that her violent and physical tirade from the day before was most likely pure frustration from him dicking her around.)

But to catch up, to be friendly on one level, then to have that go to a different (kissing) level (as I am not a general huggy/kissy person) upon leaving, well, I just hope he doesn't read anything into it. I kissed as a reflex, nothing more.

It did occur to me after I left that I want to email him to set him straight on how to keep up with a person, but I won't. (I love composing emails and blog entries in my head about what I'd like to say.) In our conversation early on, I mentioned that my grandmother died and he replied that he knew. I'd written it on the message board when a friend's grandmother died the next week, so I figured Ted would have read it there. He didn't contact me about that, even when he knew it was my third significant death in a few months, but he dared to text message me about July 4th and Wimbledon. I don't get it.

I want people to care about me, but is it wrong for me to want to be cared about in a certain way? Like when my grandmother died vs. being remembered during stupid day-in-a-life events? Does he really want brownie points for making contact? Then contact me at appropriate times. Oh, and paying me what he still owes would do wonders.

I don't know if he's stuck on me or what. I don't what to have to go through this exposure for every event. I want him to be my acquaintance, not my friend.

At least I did meet some other people at the cook out and there were lots others that I knew. After some chairs cleared, one friend invited me over to sit near her, as she knew a little about the Ted situation. It was fun sitting there with the girls, even though Ted followed me over to the chair on the other side. In trying to keep some distance, I never talked to him there, but I know my friend noticed how he followed me.

Oh, this shit plays with my mind. And it will happen every event we're both attending. I've already told him off. I don't want to dredge up hard feelings again by being mean.

Resolve: I need to find some other guy to date and scare him off.


Anonymous said...

Doesn't everybody want to be cared about in a certain way? Alas, without telling someone straight to their face (and then expecting them to remember) it rarely seems to happen...

Apart from Passive Aggression, I don't have a clue as to how to get someone to treat me any one particular way or another. I think I mostly rely on being a bitch and demanding respect. Then again, I'm not sure I care all that much, either? Hmm.

Klynn said...

This guy is such a weasel. After everything he's put you through, he has the gall to kiss you?! No matter how platonic the kiss, that's just presumptuous and almost insulting. Yeah, don't let him play head games with you. You can do SO much better.

Next time he tries to get close, assuming you don't already have a much better (more considerate) boyfriend, just ask him if he's recently had the rug shampooed. Just something to make him go away. You don't need that creep.

Val said...

I'm sorry about the lack of comments...I know I've bitched before that I can't pull 'em up on my work computer (which is probably the universe's little hint to Get To Work, eh?).
Juicy email COMING SOON, I promise!
Hang in there,
luv Val

DD said...

If anyone else had puckered up, would you have kissed them, too?

He successfully marked you as his by doing that and maybe a pointed offering of your hand the next time will tell him in action b/c he doesn't seem keen on your words.

Cricket said...

Oro - I try so hard not to be passive aggressive. I'd rather be direct, but mostly I'd rather be listened to when I politely stick my neck out.

Klynn - weasel is right. Presumpuous is also right. I really don't want to be mean in return, though.

Val - looking forward to juicy.

DD - I think I would have kissed anyone. I don't think he marked me so much as I think people might look at us differently. Who knows? Maybe nobody noticed. I had my back to them and some had just finished the first round of birthday shooters. I was not the center of attention and we were over next to the exit.

Last party, I had a peck kiss of the other Ted. He was thanking me for saying he was studly, not for his age but regardless of his age.

I think when it comes to hugging and kissing in the good bye situation, I do whatever I do quickly just to get it out of the way - when I could, I hugged two at a time to git r done. I am on autopilot to get it over with. Hence the reaction to Ted's kiss - finish this good bye shit no matter what it takes. However, this kiss... I'm sure he'd say I kissed him even though he initiated it.

Oh, this makes my head explode.

Ron Southern said...

If you get trapped into an autonomic kiss again, follow it with a very sweet "Hey, sugar, when are you gonna pay me back the damn money you owe me?" loud enough to be heard by others.