I want to discuss Chris for a minute.
He's a nice guy. Going to AA has changed him into being that nice guy. Prior to that, he could relate strongly to the pathological liars of the world, namely P in my recent world. Now Chris can't even tell a white lie. He is a good person.
Last time I saw him was two weeks ago today at our picnic. We talk a lot, listen a lot, and got along very well. We were together 4.5 hours that afternoon.
One thing he said stood out. He said, "I am new at this," meaning dating while not addicted to something, also while not being in the game-playing mode. "If I do something stupid," he stated, "I don't mean to. Could you just tell me and set me straight?"
His words have haunted me. I don't know when to play that card on him.
He's turned out to not be the best communicator. I know turmoil at his job is largely to blame, but I think he is to blame as well. He talks about being spacey and lacking focus. Maybe that's the real culprit.
Anyway, we emailed quick notes a few days after the picnic; his focus both on how much he enjoyed the butterflies then on the tenseness at work as the progression to his boss being fired is unfolding. Several days later, I emailed him a quick note early last week asking if he's the boss yet, then saying I saw the butterflies again but had a much better time with him. To respond, he went to the trouble of bringing his lap top to work (not usually used there) so that he could use their hook up b/c it was down at the house. He said he'd call that night and invited me to call.
I did call at 9, but he was having a meeting with his boss who still didn't know he was being fired for being a bully and sexist pig. Then he called me an hour later. He started by saying that he's in turmoil, then added emphatically that he's not drinking or anything again, although it's not a default thought for me to have. After talking and learning that his boss was opting not to come in the next day, so I convinced him that it could actually be pretty smooth, he felt more calm. (He's the probable replacement, but I am realizing that he's not emotionally in the proper place for this responsibility even if he is technically very proficient.) He then asked how I was and I said very tired, In fact, I barely got out of bed this week. He asked if it's depression, but I said I didn't know. I do know that I am very lonely and I have no energy. We talked about other stuff, so it didn't end with either of us on a down note.
However, he didn't ask about the weekend. It was my weekend without J and it was very long. My birthday is coming up and I will be spending it alone. I will be without J all week and next weekend as well. I don't see the loneliness thing going away any time soon. I won't even regale the PMS.
Honestly, I don't think he's not interested. I think he's overwrought emotionally with his job, only able to focus on one thing at a time. I also think that him being in AA and mostly hanging out with AA people, to include co-workers, he doesn't have much of a chance to develop as a well-rounded person. He would agree. He recently told me that I am the most normal person he knows. ME!?
So I am back to the "tell me if I do something stupid" comment he made. Well, he's doing something stupid. If someone told me they were bored and lonely, I'd call to give them company. He's being stupid. He's unable to focus beyond his job (which is not a difficult or high stress job, just the situation right now is odd), his boarding arrangements, or is AA meetings. Oh yeah, he was screwed by his last long term girlfriend who got the house and his car, the latter he just learned about last week. The house was purchased with his lump sum, so he's lost it and the leverage to buy around here, just as I'd feared selling my house and going in with P would do to me. That said, he is coming around financially and feels good at getting to this point.
So, who's stupid? Him for not calling? Me for wanting him to call? Me for waiting for him to call? Me for not calling him?
Last time, the email and me calling when he asked prompted him. I don't want to have to prompt.
He's being stupid. I should tell him.
But I won't. You know one reason why? Well, two distinct things of the same realm. I have issues like AA to confess to him, but we've not arrived there and I am glad. Over the last month, I've thought of going to friends mode with him, expressing that so I'd not have to tell, but it wouldn't be fair for him to think something was wrong with him, not me.
In fact, I am so desperate for company (and I don't mean sex) that I keep thinking of Ted and know he'd come running. Yup, he's the one who thought P was justified in finding new, that he didn't cheat, that we were on a 'break' all those months. As much as I want company and think he's a cheapskate in a rug with issues I could handle, the main reason I haven't called is that he felt I had no justification to be hurt about P.
I'm the one who's stupid here. I am ever so human.