Friday, November 24, 2006

Warm fuzzies

This morning I dozed on Luke's couch as he readied for work. When he was leaving, after he'd coordinated our outfits for the evening to match, he stuck he head back in the door and said how excited he is about tonight.

(If you saw his hands move, his eyes twinkle, his smile, his small stature, and our coordinating outfits, you'd, too, wonder if he's gay. I'm glad he's not, so I can hit on him effectively.)

Although he even emailed later about making sure to coordinate his shirt/tie with my sweater/skirt, I can't exactly say he's excited by the ba11et per se; his point is taking me to someplace to do something I really want to do. He's begun trusting me that what I like is good. He'd balked a bit ahead of time on some elements of my Thanksgiving spread, but he loved them when it came time to eat.

(Food-picky Norma came, too, and loved it, too, although I'll admit was put out a bit that nobody helped cook at all - even after being asked - and nobody set the table or helped clean up at all. Bastards.)

On Thanksgiving evening, I like to go to a movie. Norma had gone home, as her purpose was to get a lot done on her day off, but Luke didn't want to see the new Will Farre11 movie. I insisted. I said, "Trust me," and he finally did. He beamed afterwards, liking it even more than I and thinking I have great taste. Actually, I was so tired from the cooking etc (oh, just let me play martyr for once, people, plus the turkey kicked in), I had to fight sleep, so I didn't think it quite as good.

I'm not so good at thankfulness and often forget that's the purpose of the day over creating the perfect dinner that is all hot at the same time. Son aside, I will readily admit sometimes it's hard to find things to be thankful for. At least I had good company - although between Norma and Luke, I got my dose of religion for some time. I let them talk, but I did interject once or twice that moral and ethical people do not have to have religion. Norma insists that my religious background is what make me moral and ethical, but I countered that it has been the way I always was, me dragging my family to church when I was five. That was a call for the structure of good, not any inkling of religion itself.

But thankful? I don't know. I'm truly embarrassed, but I'll confess the day made my heart ache for P, with whom I'd cooked the last two years and felt very appreciated. He told me last year that I made his house a home and it makes me cry still. Yesterday, I'd worn a wooden necklace I'd gotten in C0sta R1ca with him and it got lost, not sure if it was at the theater or at Luke's. I didn't even look for it, beyond my hair and shirt. I guess it could be a message from the Universe, huh? I think that's what my therapist would say. (To be clear, I also wore earrings from my sister, who I haven't spoken to in over a year, so the necklace associated with P was not alone in my carrying my sordid past along.) Nonetheless, I am sure that P had a hole in heart yesterday, too. I don't wish that on anyone. I dread Xmas day.

Overall, that's not to say Luke didn't appreciate me being there and cooking - he was kind of weirded out b/c his ex is foreign and he had to do everything with her all the time, so he's not used to being done for. I needed a shade of gray with his help, but he feared coming in the kitchen and taking over, so it was black or white to him in helping. I'm glad this finally came out after the movie, b/c I understood the day better. As we'd prepared for Norma's arrival, we had parallel play while he picked up his piles, much more than was necessary - gosh, this guy can dally more than me - I am constantly trying to keep him on task - and I My.martyr.hands.still.smell.of.garlic.

Luke is a kind, dear man, but I am still stumbling over my past. Unfortunately, his past is even more present than mine and I was a pained witness the other night to an extended conversation he had with his ex, someone he has to finesse to milk any cooperation, which feels to me like him cowtowing and I hate to hear him that way, although he wants to in order to see/protect his kids. I think she's dicking him around and I also think he needs to get a handle on it, regardless of who the future women are in his life. It's not fair that a 10 minute check in with his kids turns into a semi-nightly additional 30+ minutes with his ex wife.

There's always another layer to the onion, huh?

I don't want to revisit my past, though. I hope the necklace is gone for good. I guess I need new memories to replace the old. And I am working on that, as is he, regardless of whether we're doing it for each other.

At the end of the evening, as we talked to clarify things and I understood how his actions didn't really match his emotions, I told him it was a wonderful gift to give a warm fuzzy, especially when cooking at Thanksgiving is a natural thing for me to do. It is very special to be able to give that just doing what I am good at. With all he's been through, he deserves a warm fuzzy, but I do, too. Mine comes tonight in color coordinated outfits.

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