I hope there is a reason I can figure out for my awful mood. I've barked at both Ted and my son, whilst I was simultaneously able to rein in a good bit, because it could have been worse. It's rare that I'm grumpy and need such distance.
I hope the biofeedback didn't wire anything bad in on Friday. It could also be PMS, as these new bcps seem to have made PMS worse the last few months and it unfortunately begins directly after ovulation time, so it lasts a while. Or it could be reduced sleep from not being able to afford sleeping meds and wishing biofeedback would kick in and fix things, which it has a little. (Last night, I begged off as tired to Ted, which was true.) Or it could be a side effect of coming off the sleeping med which doubled as a mood stabliizer. Or it could be the good ol' menopause kicking in, combined with the nightly hot flashes waking me up.
Speaking of which, Ted asked me with a grin last evening, "Your face just got really red. Are you having a hot flash?" Of course, it has been well established that I'm only having them at night, so he was needling me. Why is menopause and a cranky woman open season for all, not just Ted?
I think the soy pills have made the 4-5am heat waves less hot just since Wednesday - lesser hot flashes w/out the point of having drenched sheets. That was a good $4 investment. I am taking them twice a day for a while to get them in my system.
On Saturday afternoon, I took my son to see The Astronaut Farmer and it was excellent for the two of us to see together, a great family movie. At one point, Billy Bob said of his father, "I need to find a way to forgive him." As always, statements like that strike a chord with me. I am not so good at forgiveness and letting go, if you hadn't noticed. I'd hoped so much that the biofeedback would help my endless brain chatter, but it hasn't. I wish I could stick the disqualifier "yet" on the end of that, but perhaps I am losing faith in the face of another test coming up Wednesday. Right now, I feel like I am training myself toward a test instead of the symptoms. I am terrified about being dropped by this program I am getting gratis.
Getting relaxed is so fucking stressful.
Plus I need to forgive lots of hims. Forgetting would be even better. Brain chatter.
Saturday, we also went to blasted Toys R Us again, trying to find just the right thing to spend J's gift card on. He finally settled on a kite and I got one, too. The plan was to fly kites today, but it's mid-afternoon and I haven't gotten myself together yet. He is such a relatively patient kid and I know I fail him sometimes.
[ETA: We got out there to fly kites and it was fucking cold. We got them both up, but mine was easier because it was essentially a pillowcase with baffles, although the wind was probably too strong for it. My son's kite is an airplane with little support sticks and it was more difficult to put together and to fly, but he did, then gave up and flew mine instead while I bailed and sat in the warm car. Then we went by a Red.box and got Flus.hed Away, a flick he saw with his dad, but Oro said it was so good, I figured it was worth my time and it definitely was. Imagine being a star (in fact, I read recently where one of the leads, Hugh Jack.man, and wife had two miscarriages, said fuck that pattern, and adopted two kids) and being in non-kid movies all the time, then getting a voice part in something your kids would love. I think that'd be cool. I've always wanted to do a voice part in a cartoon.]
At least the cat is doing fairly well. After being ill on Tuesday morning (she has a couple hours where she goes both ends every couple weeks and it may have to do with her kidneys or liver), she's gotten her strength back steadily all week and she's a geriatric good. Her new favorite thing is deli roast beef. She's become quite the beggar. The vet, in essentially saying she's going to die very soon, said in her condescendingly compassionate tone as we left the office, "Feed her whatever she wants." Now that's an easy goal. The cat has had three slices already today. Yup, she's on her death bed, but is quite happy lapping up the roast beef and running around to bug me to death about giving her more.
I think the vet is uncomfortable about the idea of geriatric animals and their owners with the way she behaved. It makes her say stupid things.
Maybe she's going through early menopause.
PMS, Menopause, hot flashes and crying are doing me in lately.
Especially tonight, I feel like the worlds worst mom.
We are all so hard on ourselves, our own worst critic. Feeling hormonal makes our self-evaluations even worse. I feel so much guilt when I'm not on my game as a mother or date or whatever. Stupid to be so hard on myself, as I'm usually spot on. Hormones are awful things.
PS - nary a hot flash last night - those soy pills are fab.
I commented to my husband just yesterday that our lab probably wishes he had been an old dog his whole life because of all the special treats he's getting lately.
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