Monday, August 27, 2007

Eva's thoughs on giving it a try

I discussed a recent conversation with Ruby about people turning a new leaf when that very special someone comes along. Now I'll discuss a conversation with Eva, who has a different take. She's into poly-amory, except she's singular about it. She has a boyfriend who has a wife who knows and accepts. I don't know if he has other girlfriends. I think he would like me to be a girlfriend. I'm not so sure about the idea to say the least.

On the one hand, it seems complicated. On the other, it is simpler - you get what you get when you can and for ever long as possible. You love someone and wish them to enjoy their life.

I cannot fathom putting someone else's happiness about his multiple partners over my petty jealousy. Is that short sighted on my part?

Do you know anyone living this lifestyle? It kinda makes sense given my track record - if they're gonna cheat, might as well know about it and make it legal. And if I only have specific times off, no need to have a 24/7 boyfriend untended.

Please come out of the woodwork on this or email me privately.


Klynn said... I won't do it, and don't know anyone who is doing it. I'm not saying it couldn't work, but the conditions and personalities involved would have to be ideal. I'm sure you know the dangers of having multiple partners, health-wise, but also consider the emotional and mental ramifications.

Also, I'd advise you not to do anything that you would be mortified for J to find out about in the future. Wouldn't want him to hit his teens and say "My mom did WHAT??!"

You totally deserve to have a good guy all to yourself. Don't settle for being the side dish to someone else's entree. You're the whole casserole, baby. Don't sell yourself short.

Anonymous said...

Going to have to be very careful with this one..
I had a bf he is still one of my best friends, we lived together, and I dated and had another male friend. For 3 years...
We were all ok with it until other male decided he couldn't handle it.. It was kinda messy at that point. Funny though is BF married another woman and I married a third guy all toghether.
The thing is, most men do this all the time. They date multiple women and have the fun they want without commitment... Why are us women called whores or sluts because of that?? GAH

I do not want to leave my info on here, but will send you email if you wish..

Cricket said...

First, I'm mortified at a typo in the title.

Other than that, well, anon, I would be curious what you'd say. How much time did the three of you spend together? What were the expectations?

I honestly want so little of a man's time that it makes sense to me. Then, Klynn, I tell myself I'm crazy. People who are married, tho, have no idea how lonely it is to be single. I can go an entire weekend with J gone and not talk to a soul unless I pick up the phone to call my mother. These are supposed to be my fun weekends and I am miserable.

Further, I look at the possibilities as social more than sexual. I just want something to do, dammit! Boredom gets so old and goodness knows I try to find things to keep busy - I'm glad the summer is over and I'll be hitting the ground running in Sept. Thank goodness.

DD said...

I have to say Cricket that if you are looking for sex, you could surely find it with someone who doesn't have something like this going on in their lives. In other words, why let the sex get complicated by having a relationship?

And I have to admit that if you decided to do something like this and you throw out an occassional post for advice, I would be at a loss for words.

Anonymous said...

You do not remind me of someone, just looking for sex.
If he cheats with you and his wife, I am sure he willcheat on the both of you.
And give you any and all diseases he catches from all the other women he sleeps with.
This really never works out. Someone always gets hurt by wanting more of someone else.
There are alot of single men out there.
What about Ted?

And yes, what would J think about all this? You could not tell him the truth really? Could you?

I have seen women totally destroyed by this kind of a relationship.
Please do not do this, Cricket.

Anonymous said...

As you can see, most people are so against this.

I was in this type of relationship for 3 years. The difference was that none of us were married at the time.
I loved J, but he wasn’t always what I needed.. D offered the dates out, the dancing and all the other fun stuff. No, it wasn’t about the money; I paid for more then my share. It was about the personalities and the meshing.
I wet out every Wed night with D. Spent some holidays with J and some with D.. I also lived with J so that was different.
We all knew about the others. If you are in a relationship like this or any, lies are the worse thing you can do. We did not lie to each other. How many people in normal relationship can honestly say that? How many people out here are living lies now? Cheating already and not saying word.
You think it’s easier to catch a disease from who is honest about what they do or someone who tells lies and sleeps around? Single men are less prone to diseases?? Oh dear. That’s so wrong.
I think people need to be a little more open minded about stuff.

That being said.. is it right for you? I don’t know. I know I was ready to settle down.
Am I going to do it again?? Absolutely not. I am happy where I am now. Do I regret it? No… I grew up a lot during that time.

You need to look inside and answer questions that only you can answer. Be true to yourself.

brite69 said...

I know someone who is sort of living like that. He has a girlfriend and is married, but I can't remember if he told me his wife knows or not. He's been talking about divorce a lot recently, but I know there are other issues that make him want that.

I could do it, but I have a hard time associating sex with love, so I think I would have a bit of an advantage (if you want to call it that) there. I've never had an issue with just being there for sex. I don't get jealous and, as long as I'm not being lied to or exposed to anything, I don't have a problem with being the "other woman" so to speak.

I've always felt like that and it makes me wonder if maybe I should've been born a guy. LOL Ultimately, though, you have to know what YOUR limits are. If you get jealous easily (like you do. LOL) you would not want to enter into something like this. The emotional issues, like the jealousy and the possiblity of developing more feelings than you should, are the things that will be the most dangerous here.

If you think you're able to cope with it, than more power to you. This is definitely not something to just nonchalantly enter into and I know you won't.

Hope this helped a bit. I'd have replied sooner, but I kept seeing the date and thinking that the post was 2 weeks old for some reason. I blame the sun.

Val said...

I guess I'm just too jealous & possessive... I couldn't manage a polyamorous relationship! The complications make my head spin; I think there's too many possibilities for things to get horribly off-track, hurt feelings, vendettas (see? I TOLD you I was the jealous type!), etc...
I'm lucky that P was the 1st guy to respond on my dating service -- I told all subsequent male callers that I only dated one man at a time!