On the phone tonight, before I even talked about my day, Luke asked me how close to meno-whateverthatwordis I am.
He wants to get his brain around my baby-making abilities without confessing to love me forever and ever, but it isn't a very subtle topic. He knows I have one tube blocked and endo, but he wants to know what's possible. He says he forgets 44 with me, because he sees 33. I don't have the feeling that he'd dump me if I can't; if anything, I think he's surprised himself at wanting this enough to ask about it.
I am a sucker for a guy who actually wants to be a father.
I told him that there's bloodwork that can show how close to menopause a woman is. If 25 or higher is menopause, I was down at 6 a year and a half ago; I didn't go beyond discussing FSH, except to say that I don't know if my eggs are shot. I don't know why I was only allotted one pregnancy in this lifetime. I do know I would need help to get pregnant and that at my age they would go big guns, if they went at all.
Why didn't I meet him four years ago?
He won't come out and say he wants to have a baby with me, but it is certainly the implication. I have told him that it is a desire I have tried hard to put out of my brain. It is also something I could have chosen to do on my own, but I didn't want to do it without the package - relationship, living circumstances, etc. I raised one baby alone and I don't want to do it again.
I told him that I went for my annual physical today. Because I've been having pain during sex (during jostling, not penetration, and he was aware of that; he's more intense/forceful than previous lovers), that I'm getting a pelvic u/s and I am going back on bcps. He wondered aloud how I could go on bcps if I want another baby. I was pretty stunned at the question. It is wonderful, after my history and feeling that my body has failed me, that he would even consider it. Bless his naive little heart. He's so sweet and he just doesn't understand.
I had to explain how the bcps will regulate my period, lighten things (even if things are pretty light anyway), and reduce the chance of cysts. All these things will reduce pain and, just by having the cycle regulated, I will better be able to identify which pain is what. (I chose not to discuss with him the bleeding from the wrong orifice that happens each month, but if it decreases, then it means it is endo of the bowel, not colon cancer. I have a scopy appt to make, but I really, really hate that stuff. BTDT. Won't go back if I can possibly help it.)
The doctor and I also discussed my thyroid. I began taking less thyroxine in June because I wanted to be calmer. It worked. My weight loss slowed, so I began walking and that was good. The bad came in Sept and has continued - my nose, hands, and feet are chronically cold. I've know for a while that the dosage that maintains a calmness in me is not physiologically enough for the rest of my body. So I am going to be playing with the dosages/brands again (plus bcps change the thyroxine's effectiveness, so everything could go to hell and has to be re-titrated) and I am really dreading how vulnerable it makes me, how irritable I feel. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of a lot of bad stuff. I do not want to replay it.
I deserve to be well, but I truly resent the process and goodness knows I do not want to take it out on Luke. He is precious. This baby stuff is a complication I was not anticipating. It is an incredible thought, but how realistic is any of this?