My legs will be getting in such good shape.
(I can't give up Norma. I'm kidding.)
Luke had a two month relationship over the summer that he later concluded was just physical. I won't let that happen here, but I can reap some benefits, too, along the way. Many, many benefits. We have similar appetites and are working on meshing styles. He's such a good communicator.
And I have found a man to give me a couple screaming organsms in a single day. Very good for me.
He is so cute, with such bright eyes and smile, I could smoosh him up. At the same time, he has such character and strong moral compass, that he's not some teddy bear push over. I can respect him. It is the perfect combination. He's a little guy, simultaneously a kid and an incredibly evolved adult.
Several times over these last few days, both in person and on the phone, we have disagreed quite strongly about several topics, things that are probably distinct, yet overlap. It has gotten graciously heated, or lack of a better way of putting it. I've gotten frustrated. I've also gotten a glimpse of what it's like to talk to me and deal with my own intensity. I value that immensely. I value a guy who thinks and has a backbone. What he needs a better dose of is agreeing to disagree without it feeling like a judgment.
With no lead in, he whispered to me last night in the dark, "Just think, if we'd have met ten years ago, we'd have a bunch of kids running around here." It melted my heart, that a staunch, great-to-the-core dad would hypothetically "regret" not having kids with me. Even with me talking about parenting and infertility very little, he knows how important children are to me and what kind of mother I am.
And for reference, I will talk very little about it to him so that he doesn't figure out the categorization of my blog, as I had to admit I appeal mostly to a single audience, except for an old guy down South who has a crush on me. (Hi Ron!)
He'd asked one of those nights on the phone what I read on the computer and I told him blogs. He then asked if I had a blog. I stammered, not ever getting that question before, but I didn't want to lie to such a direct question. So, of course, he asked the address and I said that if I told him I'd have to shoot him. He persisted in being curious, but I asked that it drop.
On Friday night, he admitted to looking for it, but not knowing how to look. I did not offer up about blog search engines. I know he wants to read it so he can know me better. I countered that a lot of a blog's purpose is ranting and, when the pendulum swings back, I am a more rational person. I need the blog as a safe place to rant as well as a place to organize my thoughts.
He joked on Saturday that he had no time at all to look for my blog although it was on his 'to do' list. Then he asked about how often I blog and I told him kinda daily. He asked if he would have a fake name if I ever blogged about him and I replied that my goal is to be anonymous, but I had blogged about him already, he already has a fake name, and he has fans, too. That made him smile.
I could see being very paranoid about an unknown like this. I explained that sometimes SOs know, sometimes not. Sometimes the SOs who know don't read and some bloggers like that and others feel neglected.
What I know is that blogging does not paint me in the best possible light and that is not my intent. I also explained that if he went back and read my blog, he wouldn't necessarily see the full story, that sometimes you don't go back to a to expound upon a topic after it was resolved. I said that him reading what I wrote if it was about him would seem inaccurate because the writing is a work in progress which doesn't convey the whole story necessarily. Also, condensing weeks of writing into a single quick reading is not reflective of the real dynamics that it feels like as life unfolds. Further, reading it incompletely told or condensed over a short time would rehash things that were already settled and done. He seemed to grasp that.
When he brought it up today, asking ifI blogged during my 90 minutes at home today, I told him I hadn't. Then I asked, in turn, if he talked to his sister today.
See, the other night after we got off the phone at 2am, he called his sister half the country away. I didn't ask what he told her, but it was evident about his excitement. Then on Friday when we met, I was looking sleek in all black and he went more casual. Almost the first words out of his mouth were, as he shook his head, "My sister told me to wear all black." He'd just gotten off the phone with her.
So when he asked today if I had blogged, I equated it to him using his sister as a sounding board and he had an 'ah ha!' moment. He understands now. He's a rather persistant person, so I don't see his curiousity ending, but I do know that he gets it on some level.
It feels very good to have the boundary, yet be honest. I didn't have that before.
And I think I have the potential for more as well.