Sunday, November 05, 2006

I can give up walking with Norma now

My legs will be getting in such good shape.


(I can't give up Norma. I'm kidding.)

Luke had a two month relationship over the summer that he later concluded was just physical. I won't let that happen here, but I can reap some benefits, too, along the way. Many, many benefits. We have similar appetites and are working on meshing styles. He's such a good communicator.

And I have found a man to give me a couple screaming organsms in a single day. Very good for me.

He is so cute, with such bright eyes and smile, I could smoosh him up. At the same time, he has such character and strong moral compass, that he's not some teddy bear push over. I can respect him. It is the perfect combination. He's a little guy, simultaneously a kid and an incredibly evolved adult.

Several times over these last few days, both in person and on the phone, we have disagreed quite strongly about several topics, things that are probably distinct, yet overlap. It has gotten graciously heated, or lack of a better way of putting it. I've gotten frustrated. I've also gotten a glimpse of what it's like to talk to me and deal with my own intensity. I value that immensely. I value a guy who thinks and has a backbone. What he needs a better dose of is agreeing to disagree without it feeling like a judgment.

With no lead in, he whispered to me last night in the dark, "Just think, if we'd have met ten years ago, we'd have a bunch of kids running around here." It melted my heart, that a staunch, great-to-the-core dad would hypothetically "regret" not having kids with me. Even with me talking about parenting and infertility very little, he knows how important children are to me and what kind of mother I am.

And for reference, I will talk very little about it to him so that he doesn't figure out the categorization of my blog, as I had to admit I appeal mostly to a single audience, except for an old guy down South who has a crush on me. (Hi Ron!)

He'd asked one of those nights on the phone what I read on the computer and I told him blogs. He then asked if I had a blog. I stammered, not ever getting that question before, but I didn't want to lie to such a direct question. So, of course, he asked the address and I said that if I told him I'd have to shoot him. He persisted in being curious, but I asked that it drop.

On Friday night, he admitted to looking for it, but not knowing how to look. I did not offer up about blog search engines. I know he wants to read it so he can know me better. I countered that a lot of a blog's purpose is ranting and, when the pendulum swings back, I am a more rational person. I need the blog as a safe place to rant as well as a place to organize my thoughts.

He joked on Saturday that he had no time at all to look for my blog although it was on his 'to do' list. Then he asked about how often I blog and I told him kinda daily. He asked if he would have a fake name if I ever blogged about him and I replied that my goal is to be anonymous, but I had blogged about him already, he already has a fake name, and he has fans, too. That made him smile.

I could see being very paranoid about an unknown like this. I explained that sometimes SOs know, sometimes not. Sometimes the SOs who know don't read and some bloggers like that and others feel neglected.

What I know is that blogging does not paint me in the best possible light and that is not my intent. I also explained that if he went back and read my blog, he wouldn't necessarily see the full story, that sometimes you don't go back to a to expound upon a topic after it was resolved. I said that him reading what I wrote if it was about him would seem inaccurate because the writing is a work in progress which doesn't convey the whole story necessarily. Also, condensing weeks of writing into a single quick reading is not reflective of the real dynamics that it feels like as life unfolds. Further, reading it incompletely told or condensed over a short time would rehash things that were already settled and done. He seemed to grasp that.

When he brought it up today, asking ifI blogged during my 90 minutes at home today, I told him I hadn't. Then I asked, in turn, if he talked to his sister today.

See, the other night after we got off the phone at 2am, he called his sister half the country away. I didn't ask what he told her, but it was evident about his excitement. Then on Friday when we met, I was looking sleek in all black and he went more casual. Almost the first words out of his mouth were, as he shook his head, "My sister told me to wear all black." He'd just gotten off the phone with her.

So when he asked today if I had blogged, I equated it to him using his sister as a sounding board and he had an 'ah ha!' moment. He understands now. He's a rather persistant person, so I don't see his curiousity ending, but I do know that he gets it on some level.

It feels very good to have the boundary, yet be honest. I didn't have that before.

And I think I have the potential for more as well.


Kellie said...

Wow. Both scary and extremely cool.

The whole blog thing to people who don't blog must seem like a mystery of sorts. Last week I desperatly wanted to tell my husband about my blog because I wanted him to see how much support and feedback I was getting and how much I *needed* that. But on the other hand, I was afraid that something (or most things) I've said and put into writing would have hurt him and that was totally not my intention. I'm not sure that I could be completely honest knowing for certain that my SO was reading everything I wrote - I think I would edit and that might defeat the purpose.

It's a tough call though...

On the other hand, if I were in a relationship with someone that blogged and I didn't know the address of the blog - it would drive me fucking insane until I found it and read it. I'm not sure *I* could just let it go. I would hope I could... but I know me way too well for that.

Klynn said...

Sounds like things are going well. 2 screamers in one day...wowzers.

About the blog, I hope he decides to let it rest, and give you your (blog) space, so you can feel safe here.

When I started my blog, Bob knew all about it, and he's fine with it. Funny thing is that he's way savvy, and he knows the addy, and he's never tried to read it (sitemeter would tell me if he did). I think it's so sweet that he allows me my privacy. Even though he doesn't read, I still don't go overboard with my ranting. So I technically do censor my blog a bit, but not nearly so much as if I suspected he'd be reading every post.

DD said...

A girl has to maintain some aura of mystery. I think your blog should be that.

brite69 said...

Yay for screamers! ^_^

I have a few different blogs going and although my boyfriend knows about most of them, the one that you read, he has no clue about. It's not that I choose to hide it from him, but he doesn't understand why I need to write things out for other people to see. He has told me on more than occasion that I must not have anything better to do with my time. Blogging is no longer a subject we discuss. (Though, I must admit to giggling when I found out he blogs on the Nint endo website. He's such a nerd. LOL)

Cricket said...

Yeah, he referred to the oddness of something being simultaneously private and public, that it is preferable for strangers to read than friends and family.

Everybody blogging knows they don't know the whole person, that they probably know a lot about one part, then chunks of others.

IRL, people can know me in a different and more intimate way. I could see telling Luke anything, if I don't already.

Anonymous said...

You deserve someone that makes you happy.
I am so happy for you.

Ron Southern said...

I may be an old guy with a crush, but I AM single, you know!

By the time you let new boyfriend know about your blog and read it, you may have progressed so far that you won't need to have a confessional blog (which yours mostly is).

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm very excited for you - you sound rather thrilled with Luke. It's great to read! I am confused though - I've been away from your blog for a while, sorry. Are Luke and Tom different men? And how did you meet Luke? I tried to find the first entry about him but I can't seem to.