I was in the bathroom yesterday around 4.
It had been a strangely miserable day. Luke has gotten under my skin (good way), but he'd also gotten under my skin (bad way.)
I'd been in my pajamas until past 2pm, writing and sorting thoughts. Some would call that a relaxing day, but I was diswrought, not lazy. We finally talked on the phone and things seemed better. I felt better, wanted to get the day moving.
So I showered and mentally kicked myself for not voting in the morning when it wasn't crowded. As I stood in the bathroom doing my hair and make up starting to look human, my son, who had witnessed my day long funk, peeked around the door, and exclaimed, "You must really liiike vooooting!"
Indeed. My vote actually counted. And there was only one person ahead of me in line.
Later in the evening and true to form, Luke and I went at it again on the phone. I'll try to summarize, but the fullness of his thoughts is hard enough for my brain to comprehend, much less put it into words.
Going with a banal description, he expects me to read his mind and states that what he thinks is logical. Me, I answer his questions truthfully and figure if he dares to ask about me and anal sex, I'll tell him, no problem. Hence, I don't want him to ask questions he doesn't want the answer to, particularly if I don't understand the motivation behind his question, while my motivation is purely to be honest, even if it might hurt. I am not his to allow his heart to be broken by me so quickly through any revelations. I am chatty and conversational and not committed. He needs me to temper myself and I need to embrace that.
We all know I lament. My personality type is INFP. The short summary for how an INFP sees the word is at this Myers Briggs dating site. Is the glass half full or half empty? Please tell me yours.
INFP -- But look! A crystalline vessel, filled with shimmering, life-giving nectar!
INFP - Can't you see how this glass represents our world? It is neither perfect nor bad, it's simply here and its value is determined by each and every one of us. We cannot survive if we don't drink the water...if we don't get along with our fellow people. [When the other entries have about 10 words.]
I want Luke to take the test. I have theories about his, but of course he thinks it is a stupid test.
As a guy, he doesn't want to feel like I lament or wax nostalgic about some random dick. Fine, however when I talk about someone I dated, someone/something he asked about specifically, I do not want to paint random dick as an unworthy asshole, because that reflects poorly on me and my choices. See above. There's value in whatever that water or glass is.
Luke doesn't want to hear both sides of the tale and I contend that he then shouldn't ask. As it stands as a resolution, we are both trying to contain our styles - me going into less detail and him not leading me that way or allowing me to continue if it hurts him. We have such chemistry otherwise. I am under his skin, too.
This so ridiculously complicated for the short time we've known each other.
But through him, I do see a glimpse to the other side with a man who thinks and doesn't require that I lead. I will be led kicking and screaming toward the thing that I want - an equal partnership. And feeling unsettled or at the short end of awareness is uncomfortable, but it is an opportunity for growth. I am grateful for the chance. Past relationships didn't work and this is a chance for a new dance; I am learning the steps.
And I'm sure I'll want to wring his neck again tonight, but maybe it'll just be foreplay and not mental gymnastics.