Monday, November 19, 2007

Got my goat

Excuse the vitriol, but...

Oro's recent post jarred my memory. Helen's tackles it very eloquently, too. "Just adopt" has many connotations to me.

Last Saturday, after we'd picked up bags for Scouting for Food, ex and I were talking as he drove me home. I decided to update him that the tremor is probably thyroid-related (but BTW has definitely NOT decreased in the last week) and that many other symptoms were due to another overdose when spanned many months.

One of these side effects, as I mentioned here, was weight gain. Oddly (add it to my list), sometimes a thyroxine overdose can make one ravenous. When told this, ex said he'd thought I'd lost weight. That was a surprise, so I told him I'd gained 15 after losing 30 last year. To this he curtly replied, "Just don't eat."

"Just adopt."

When something physiological is wrong, seemingly only the weak allow it to get the best of them. The strong are Darwinian and trudge on through, unscathed. They are ever so wise and superior.

He's been so fortunate to have lost around 30 pounds over the last year due to the toe nail fungus medicine (L - something : Lama.sil maybe?) taking away his ability to taste. It's one of those 3% of users side effects. He wasn't enjoying food, so he wasn't eating. How fucking lucky is that? But since it happened to him, he is among the "privileged" and can easily poo poo an unintentional weight gain by me. He can't even internalize or respect that he has merely experienced the flip side of what I experienced many times over.

I'll never forget over a decade ago when he told me that I'd "let myself go" in the most disparaging fashion. (How do I loathe that phrase?) He'd been through me having injections for endometriosis and gaining 30 or 40 lbs. He saw me through a battery of psych meds that had side effects of 30 lbs each. He also saw me go on diets and loose 25 unfair pounds, but be so discouraged that I didn't deserve the repeated weight gains. The marvels of medical science did this to me and he conveniently forgot. Side effects R us. For every one step forward, there were two steps back and I paid for health with my weight.

Makes me reflect...

How narrow people are.
How short sighted.
How short their memories are.
How they forget hard times.
How they think logic wins over the unexplainable.
How fucking smart they are with all the answers.
How misguided they are that they think they are actually in control.
How pompous they are spreading their own gospel.

How come I always get the short end of the stick?

I'm in the throes of PMS, hence the rant and anxiety dreams over P and his wife. Hoo boy.

I think I'm also crashing from the hypothyroidism and removal of Levoxyl. I am truly a wet blanket right now.

Can I admit that I always smile a little when I see that P's football team lost? My therapist had tried desensitization exercises for me so that I could own/like the team for myself and not hate their team colors, shades of which BTW I'd purchased all my winter sweaters a few years ago and must still wear. Instead of me embracing that city, team, and mascot, I gave away to charity or threw away everything team-related I had, except for the sweaters and blouses. It felt liberating to me at the time. When I later told her, my therapist was disappointed, saying I should learn to reconcile the team/city as my own, too, but I prefer to try to throw away the memories.

Note I say try, because Thanksgiving was our holiday and he loved me cooking for him and his family. That last one two years ago, he pulled me aside, hugged me, and whispered, "You make my house a home." Funny that. The shape I'm in, I can't even make my own house a home. I can't bring myself to cook for just my son and me and I feel tremendous guilt about it.

/rant over, for the moment

Thanks if you read this far. I need your support.


DD said...

When people use the word "just" it's because what they are telling you is theory, at best. It's the easy answer because they don't know how to be supportive. My husband says, "Just don't think about it," when I tell him how scared I am right now.

Whenever I hear that word start a statement, I know the person(s) didn't hear a word I said.

I also think that whenever someone responds with "whatever" they are actually saying "fuck off".

Cricket said...

"Just" is at its core minimizing.

As an aside, I especially hate to hear "just" in prayers. It sounds so Fundamentalist to me.

Anonymous said...

I may not comment every day,
but I read your blog everyday.
I still have not lost the weight from my surprise 2nd boy, 11 yrs. ago. I was an infertility patient for my first son,and 6 ms. later pregnant with the 2nd one with drugs or surgeries.Ex-Hubby was not happy about that and I was in shock.
Weight has been an issue my whole life. Up and down, not heavy and heavy. Do I like it? No.
But, I seem to use food as a stresser, really wish I smoked or drank, but I eat now. Both boys have autism and I can barely hold on sometimes and this is what I use. Food addict I suppose.
Sorry about the rambling, so I do understand your weight issues and how cruel people can be about it.
You sound like a great person, don't listen to them at all!

Cricket said...

Thanks, Melissa. You certainly have your plate full. It is a sorry state that society makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Val said...

Hey, it's a great rant Cricket!
My ex has a true "fat phobia" so I too got to hear all those lovely phrases about "letting myself go", "not respecting myself", and one of the best mind-fucks of all: "It's not you, it's ME -- I'm just not attracted to you anymore!"